If You Vote for John McCain, You Are Stupid*

September 3, 2008 at 11:12 pm | Posted in America, Bush, New Orleans | 4 Comments

The cognitive dissonance between reality and the Republican party’s talking points has been particularly dizzying as of late.

This past weekend, Newt Gingrich heralded Sarah Palin’s qualifications on ABC This Week, noting, among other things, her mad flute skillz.

Meanwhile, McCain’s other trophy wife, the Ferdinand Imelda Marcos of haute couteure soft casts (seriously, screw the houses, how many multi-colored soft casts does this lady have for that wrist), defended Palin’s international creds by noting that Palin comes from Alaska, which is really, really close to Russia.

But of all this bullshit, none is more mind-blowing than the glowing praise being heaped upon Old Man McCain every day for hosting a subdued convention in the wake of Hurricane Gustave.  Kerry Healey, the Imelda Marcos of battery-operated love toys (take my word for it), told Emily Rooney that McCain’s mature handling of the convention – putting the country first! – was in stark contrast to the substance-free glamour of the Democratic National Convention.

And last night, Joe Leiberman said:

“What you can expect from John McCain as President is precisely what he has done this week.” 

McCain himself told Chris Wallace on Fox News:

“It wouldn’t be appropriate to have a festive occasion while a near tragedy or a terrible challenge is presented in the form of a natural disaster.”

No, John?  Wouldn’t it be?  That’s odd because a few years ago, when a real tragedy – not a “near tragedy” – was unfolding, it seemed like a perfectly OK time to party. 

In fact, here’s a photo of the guy who conveniently couldn’t make it to the RNC – he’s very busy, suddenly – presenting you with a birthday cake on the very day that Hurricane Katrina was drowning New Orleans.

So here’s some straight talk express for the Republican ticket.  Go fuck yourself, John McCain.  And show your tits, Sarah Palin.  Seriously.  I totally want to see ’em.

*This should not be interpreted to mean that you are stupid if you don’t vote for Obama.  I can see why a one might not want to vote for Obama.  I don’t agree with it, but I’m open to a rational argument against voting for him. 

However, if you vote for John McCain, then yes, you are stupid.

Yeah. What He Said.

February 21, 2008 at 6:50 am | Posted in America, Video | 3 Comments
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Spiddle-lipped Chris Matthews was the hit of the Internets and talk radio today, thanks to his skewering of Texas state senator Kirk Watson.  (Video posted below.)

Upon first glance, Watson does indeed look a bit dumb, though I’d argue he looks no dumber than your average Texan.

However, if anyone in this video deserves ridicule, it’s Matthews himself.  Why, you ask?  Well I’m even dumber than said Texan, so I can’t explain.  But I know a guy at the Daily Dish, and he’d be glad to.  So please, take it away, guy at the Daily Dish!

Dear Chris Matthews: Please Do Your Job

(Ed. Note: If I didn’t make it clear with my setup, that thing above these words, in the blue type?  That’s the thing you’re supposed to read.  Yeah.  Click it.)

Beating Two Dead Horses: Fix NOLA, Elect Obama

February 9, 2008 at 1:17 am | Posted in America, New Orleans, Video | 10 Comments
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obamanola.jpgAnother thing I don’t understand is why people condemn Barack Obama for a lack of substance on the issues.  While his soaring prose may overshadow his policy stances, it’s not like those stances don’t exist.  Like ’em or not, here they are on his web page.  You want nine pages on his plans for the disabled?  Knock yourself out.

The fact is it’s easier for the media to broadcast a knock-out Obama speech than it is to hold your attention with a dissection of his position papers.  And that’s nothing new in election coverage.  But Obama seems to get an unfair shake in nay-sayers’ eyes, as if his grasp of policy doesn’t match his rhetorical abilities.  It doesn’t, but how could it?  He’s set that bar higher than any politician in modern history.

This is not to say Obama’s been unfairly treated in the media; they love him.  However, he has been cast as the ‘inspiration’ candidate, in contrast to Clinton’s portrayal as the ‘substance’ candidate.  And I don’t think that’s right. 

If you so desire, Obama can bore you with policy as well as any candidate out there.  I saw him speak on green economy initiatives in New Hampshire, and he had the entire audience in a virtual coma.  It was dull, dense, and, frankly, a total drag.  I’d gone in hopes of hearing the DNC Obama, not Urkel the Wonk giving a dissertation on carbon credits.  Lame, lame stuff.  But you could not have attended the event and left saying he lacked clear, defined ideas.

I don’t know how much his ‘substance’ matters anyway.  The president’s substance will only get as far as Congress lets it.  It’s their job, not the president’s, to legislate.  For me, the president is more of a symbolic figurehead.  A leader who will guide the ship and rise to the occassion when needed.  Someone who will get out of the plane flying over New Orleans.  Someone who will not go into wars when they’re not needed.  Someone who will inspire and set the agenda and articulate our nation’s principles. 

Congress has the responsibility to put those principles into law.  And since she claims to be so great with that nerdy stuff, maybe Congress is where Hillary should stay! 

What got me thinking about this distortion of Obama’s candidacy was Harry Shearer’s criticism of Obama’s Feb. 7 speech in New Orleans at Tulane University.  Shearer is a comedian, the voice of many Simpsons characters, and a leading advocate for NOLA.  In this Huffington Post brief, he compares Obama to a doctor with “compassion” and “a great bedside manner,” who unfortunately has not diagnosed the patient’s condition.

He bases this on an excerpt of Obama’s speech that was broadcast on CNN, posted after the jump.  Shearer admits that he could not find the rest of the speech online. 

Continue Reading Beating Two Dead Horses: Fix NOLA, Elect Obama…

Every Tuesday is Super…In My Pants!

February 6, 2008 at 12:48 am | Posted in America, Video | 1 Comment
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I never understand people who openly support a candidate – or the candidates themselves – yet say, “It doesn’t matter who you vote for, just as long as you get out there to vote!”

Let me tell you, I just got out there to vote.  And the Hillary Clinton supporters should be forewarned.  It is nasty out.  The lines stretched for blocks and it was pouring rain, even inside the Lowell Masonic Center. 

And that little old balding lady who hands you your ballot?  The crazy old coot stole my wallet!  Plus I feel itchy all of a sudden and my tonsils are enflamed.  I think it’s polio.

As for those of you who’d planned to vote for Obama today, proceed as planned.  They give you a hundred dollar bill just for showing up.  And that little old balding lady who hands you your ballot?  She offered me a full-body massage afterwards!  Elderly hand-skin is soft and wise.

Now a message from an animated Puff Daddy, who is somehow less cartoonish than the real one.

Presidential Elimination Party: The Exciting Conclusion, Part I

February 3, 2008 at 8:26 pm | Posted in America, Prez Elimination Party, Video | 5 Comments
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Make Tuesday super.  Vote for this man.


Over the past weeks, we have given the gooseface to some fine Americans, including two Democrats (Hillary Clinton (D) and John Edwards (D)), three Republicans (John McCain (R), Mitt Romney (R), Rudy Giuliani (R)), and one Sanguinary Satanic Vampyre (Jonothan “The Impaler” Sharkey).

During that time, self-inflicted goosefacings have been administered by the likes of Fred Thompson, Bill Richardson, and Dennis Kucinich.  Which leaves us with Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul, and Mike Gravel. 

We have decided to dismiss those three without the formality of a goosefacing, as we still couldn’t pick Gravel out of a crowd and we’re deathly afraid of being beaten mercilessly by the allies of Huckabee (Chuck Norris, Ric Flair, Jesus Christ) and Ron Paul (Arlo Guthrie, angry white supremacists.)

That, of course, leaves us with Democrat Illinois Senator Barack Obama.  So consider this Lucy the Blog’s official endorsement.  Give us the Big O or give us death.

Students in Lucy the Dog’s College writing class learn early in the semester about the three modes of persuasion:  pathos, logos, and ethos.

Tomorrow we will present part two of our endorsement, using ethos and logos.  But today, we focus on pathos, an appeal to the audience’s emotions.  This, of course, is Obama’s forte.  So there is no shortage of ammunition.  We will simply play this video, which makes even our cynical eyes watery as we say “Yes, we can.”  (Though we don’t really believe it, and at the end of the day we know we’re doomed to end up with Hillary because people are retarded.  But don’t tell anyone.  Yes, we can!)

After the jump is the South Carolina primary victory speech in full, which Andrew Sullivan has gushingly described as his best ever.

Even if you disagree with Obama’s politics, we think you will agree that Scarlett Johansson should be in a movie where we get an extended look at her boobs.  And can you really say that about Hillary Clinton?  Exactly.

Join us tomorrow for part II of the coveted Lucy the Blog endorsement.

Continue Reading Presidential Elimination Party: The Exciting Conclusion, Part I…

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