Be There!

July 14, 2009 at 1:57 am | Posted in Lowell, Muzak, New Orleans, Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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GDABrunch

I Fuckin’ Stink

April 22, 2009 at 11:39 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

armpit-odorI stopped updating this blog because I found I suddenly had nothing to say. And I still have nothing to say.

But I decided to force myself to start posting again, in hopes that that might change. Thus far, it has not.

Can I share something personal though, since I have nothing worthwhile to tell you?

I fuckin’ stink. I mean, seriously. It’s true. I reek.

For some reason, in about mid-January, my entire body decided to change the way it prespires. To my knowledge, I had never stunk before in 33 years of existence. I would sweat, but only within reason. There was nothing that three gentle strokes per pit of Dove deoderant couldn’t handle.

And now, this. By the end of the day, I am sitting in my cube with my armpits soaking, all swampy and disgusting. Why? What has changed? What the fuck is going on?

I apologize for the excessive cursing, but this is a troubling development. Life is difficult enough without having to deal with such a betrayal by your own body. And sadly, I suspect it’s just the beginning. As I get older, who knows what else will fail? Really, can erectile dysfunction be far behind? And the worst part is I’m freezing half the time, yet the sweat keeps coming. I’ll be copyediting my little science articles, just minding my own business, and out of nowhere one of these horrifying, chilly drops will crawl down the side of my torso. I disgust myself.

To address this problem, I recently invested six dollars in a different type of deoderant made by JASON (there are accents in that name, but I have no idea where they go or how I’d apply them). I figured that since JASON is all organic and shit, they’d have some magical green ingrediants to fix things. In hindsight, however, this logic was flawed from the start, as hippies and organic types are not generally known for their fresh-as-a-new-car smell.

Sure enough, I’m pretty sure this deoderant has only made the problem worse. I need something that’s the opposite of organic. Something that’s been tested on monkeys, with deadly results. Something that will be so strong that it kills any bacteria lingering under my arms and, simply by being in my household, passes along rare forms of cancer to lovely little Nola Jane. I need this now. But of course I’m so cheap that I’ll first have to use the entire bar of JASON, which means I’ll continue to stink through the summer months. Sweet. That should make for some comfortable commuting.

So yeah. Getting old is lots of fun. And that’s all I have to say about that. I fuckin’ stink.

Diaper Change You Can Believe In

January 16, 2009 at 8:00 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Obviously I’ve been having some difficulty updating Lucy the Blog on an even occassional basis.  I’m not sure what its future holds.

If you feel like keeping up with Nola Jane’s progress, Ashlee’s got a little blog thing goin’ at www.welzsmith.com/blog. It’s password-protected to keep out pervs like Coach Football and Henre. But if you email me, I’ll give you the dope info.

obamapoop

Oh, My Nola

December 12, 2008 at 9:32 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Lucy the Dog welcomed Nola Jane into the world last night, December 11 at 10:27.  She looks like a monkey.

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Celtics-Hawks Game 7 Update, 1st Quarter

May 4, 2008 at 10:38 pm | Posted in Sports, Uncategorized | 1 Comment
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Because the Beast Master is presently confined to his courtside luxury suite, please allow Lucy the Dog to offer her uninformed analysis of Number 43’s performance after 12 minutes of basketball.

Perk is totally a beast.

And furthermore… 

Continue Reading Celtics-Hawks Game 7 Update, 1st Quarter…

He Bashes His Head in the Wall, Too

May 2, 2008 at 3:12 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment
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New Post! But Not Today

April 30, 2008 at 2:02 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment
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Any day now, I will think of something to write in this space.  I can totally feel it coming.  It’s right on the tips of my fingers.

Until then, I shall sit here deep in thought, like Hulk Hogan pondering whether or not he should touch his daughter’s rear.  (Spoiler Alert:  He should and he does.)

Open Letter to Nerds and/or Smart Shoppers

April 9, 2008 at 2:05 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 14 Comments
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Dear Nerd and/or Smart Shopper:

Thanks for reading Lucy the Blog.  I know it has given you so much.  And now it’s time for you to give back.

Recently my iPod died.  I really liked that iPod.  My dad gave it to me for Christmas in 2003.  I named it iSis after my favorite Bob Dylan song.  Don’t you think I’m clever?

Now I have to buy a new iPod because I really enjoyed having an iPod.  But I don’t have very much money.  So what should I do?  Should I buy my iPod at the Apple store?  Are there cheaper ways to get an iPod?  Can you buy an iPod on eBay?  Or through non-Apple vendors?  How much should I plan to spend on a new iPod? 

I see lots of the degenerate youths carrying around iPods.  They don’t seem to have much money, so I’m thinking I should also be able to secure one.  I want one that holds like 1,000 songs.  Or maybe 2,000.  And not that lame Shuffle thing where you can’t even pick what song plays.  I don’t want my iPod making decisions about how I should run my life.

Thank you in advance for your expertise.  I don’t understand technology or how to get good deals.  But I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night.  Seriously!

Love,

Lucy the Dog

PS: If any nerds and/or smart shoppers are reading this from WordPress headquarters, can you just leave the software alone?  I can’t figure out how the hell to position a picture anymore and it just put me in a foul mood. Enough tinkering around.  Let it be.  It works fine.  Fuck.

Kyle Vanden Bosch Bends My Mind

December 9, 2007 at 11:56 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

kyle.jpgPerhaps someone with TiVo technology can confirm this for me.  But during CBS’s astoundingly dull pregame montage for today’s Tennesse vs. San Diego game, Titans DE Kyle Vanden Bosch made the following statement:

“We’re gonna leave nothing on the field.”

That was roughly 20 minutes ago, and I’ve spent every minute since wondering if it makes any sense.  Did I hear him correctly? 

Don’t you usually give 100 percent and leave everything on the field?  Sometimes referred to as “leaving it all on the field”?

If you leave nothing, you probably didn’t try very hard.  And that’s no way to go through life, Kyle Vanden Bosch.

Lucy the Blog September Hiatus

September 12, 2007 at 1:16 am | Posted in Uncategorized | 14 Comments

Mark Cuban recently called the Internet dead and boring.  It’s true.  I read it on his blog post titled, “The Internet is Dead and Boring.”

But I must take issue with Cuban.  The video below, found by Papa Beast, provides ample evidence that the Internet is alive and well and kicking much ass.  Or at least helping me waste my life.  Without the Internet, I never would have seen this.  Nor would I have seen MTV’s Tonya Cooley having soft-core porn sex.  And that, friends, would be a shame.

Perhaps Cuban meant to say that Lucy the Blog is dead and boring.  In which case, he would have a point.  Lucy the Blog is near-dead and way boring.  I’ve been trying to figure out how to resolve this.  But realistically, I know that I won’t have much blogging time in my schedule until October.

So rather than sporadically flail away, I’m taking the Lucy the Blog staff on an extended retreat to do trust falls and reevaluate our vision for the site.  We’ll shut it down for now and return on October 1, once life has settled down.

I realize this is breaking many hearts across the info superhighway.  And some may think I’m just whining.  But give me a break.  I’m a HUMAN!  All you people want is more, more, more, more!  You’re lucky I even blog for you bastards!  Leave Lucy the Dog alone.  Please!

See you in October.

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