Tags: your mother
But at the moment, the sun is shining on Lowell and the weather is ideal for a stroll down memory lane.
Yesterday marked one full year of soul searchin’ and knowledge-droppin’ at Lucy the Blog headquarters. And what a year it’s been for the Dog.
We laughed. We cried. We learned 12 things about Tyra Banks’s vagina. We opened foreign bureaus in Pakistan, Sweden, and Chechnya. And we licked the interior of our anus. It was awesome!
So today, please take our paw and join us as we revisit some highlights from the last 365 days. Or don’t. It’s Friday, so do whatcha wanna, do whatyalike, and do what you feel.
Cue sappy accoustic Green Day song, and commence nostalgic clip montage.
Tags: Colton Berry, Husker Du, Trombone Shorty
**And note to Coach Football: Did I punctuate “Andrews'” correctly, or should there be an additional ‘s’?
Despite his slanderous and inaccurate lynching of Sanjaya months ago, Lucy the Dog must commend Lowell Sun scribe Andrew Ravens for yesterday’s front page story on Elvis. Or at least the first four paragraphs, which is the most compelling four paragraphs you will read today.
“Elvis settles most arguments and disturbances at The Community Family, a day-care center for dementia patients on Broadway Street.
Whenever the peace breaks, Program Director Maria Maskaluk sets her close-to-life-size Elvis Presley cardboard standup in the middle of the room and says, ‘Look who’s here.’
Suddenly, the squabbling ends and the giant image of Elvis, wearing a bright gold suit, is placed back behind Maskaluk’s office door.
‘For some reason,’ Maskaluk said, ‘it just calms everyone down.'”
As a former recipient of my Boston University JO722 course’s “Lead of the Week” award, I feel suitably qualified to deem this as the most devastatingly awesome lead anecdote that’s ever been written.
While previously, Lucy the Blog had called for Ravens’s firing, we now must reverse course and demand that he be promoted immediately and named replacement to not very good editor Jim Campanini. (Hey, what ever happened to that lively Community Forum anyway, Thomas Paine?)
I’ve never really been into Elvis, but you’ve got to hand it to the guy. He moistened panties for decades, sold more than a billion albums, inspired an army of losers to channel his spirit, and now his cardboard likeness is used to sedate the masses at neighborhood dementia facilities. It’s quite a legacy.
Tony Bennett just brought down the house. Justin Guarini loves it. Smokey loves it. Simon loves it. Jeff Foxworthy and Jerry Springer? Love it both. David Allen Grier totally loves it.
This shit is lame. More Sanjaya please.
FINALS PREDICTION: Constantine bones Ridge Forrester’s daughter at the afterparty. Take it to the bank.
Today Lucy the Blog welcomes guest blogger Ridge Forrester, who will share his thoughts on last night’s American Idol. We first met Ridge at the Miami nightclub Ink, where he was celebrating the launch of the Forrester Creation spring line. You couldn’t find a nicer guy. Despite his star power, he puts his pants on one leg at a time just like you and me. And he watches American Idol. So please make him feel welcome.
When I agreed to write this entry for Lucy the Blog, I couldn’t have imagined my life would be in such turmoil. These days, I barely have time to watch Idol, much less get into any detailed analysis. But if you know one thing about Ridge Forrester, you know I’m a man of my word.
If you’re unfamiliar with me, I’m a critically-acclaimed fashion designer at Forrester Originals here in Los Angeles. My family built Forrester Creations, which you’ve no doubt seen on our hit reality show “The Bold and the Beautiful.” But last year, we were forced to give Forrester Creations to my half-brother Nick Marone, after my mom threw his mother over a balcony. Long story.
Updating our report from This Week In the Noose, it turns out that Ford CEO Alan Mullaly pulled a Keith Richards with his story about saving President Bush from blowing himself up with a hydrogen car.
It remains to be seen whether Mullaly ever really threw a child’s canary out a window because it was aggravating his hangover. But after this latest incident, I have my suspicions.
Until we get to the bottom of it, please enjoy this video of Sanjaya, bunnies, and a Bob Dylan impersonator.
By the way, Sanjaya survived tonight. So eat it, Andrew Ravens.
ACTION ALERT: Lucy the Blog encourages our readers to contact Lowell Sun entertainment reporter Andrew Ravens, and demand an apology for his deliberate lies, his overt attempt at voter suppression, and his personal assault of Sanjaya Malakar.
I recently bought a subscription to the Lowell Sun, which is now delivered to my house each day at the crack of 2 or 3 in the afternoon. (In all fairness, there’s at least a half-mile between the Sun printing press and my apartment, so the late arrival is to be expected.)
Today, the Sun’s entertainment reporter wrote a story titled “Sanjaya Syndrome,” which received prominent placement as the front-page centerpiece. At first glance I cringed, thinking we’d really stepped through the looking glass this time. Sanjaya, with a full-body picture, is now getting more than a quarter of Page One. Wow.
But upon closer examination, it became clear that this was simply another attempt by the mainstream media to stymie the Sanjaya movement and preserve its precious Idol cash cow. The article begins with the same hellfire and brimstone propaganda techniques that the MSM used to get our panties in a bunch over Saddam and his self-guided nuclear bomber planes that had the capacity to reach the mainland and impregnate our daughters.
(Imagine YouTube hadn’t removed the video of a fully lip-glossed Alex Rodriguez, humping his bat at the plate. Now imagine that video was posted in this spot right here. Wouldn’t that headline be so hilarious? Or at least make some sense? Just imagine!)
I cannot resist the weekend’s call. It feels like I’ve been sitting in front of this computer since I left that bar Monday, and I’m ready to escape its evil grip and clean the garage, indulge in beer drinks, and listen to some rock and roll. We do the weekends right here in Lowell.
But first I owe you this week’s suggestion for Do What You Feel Friday! So why not just follow the advice of French presidential candidate Jean-Marie Le Pen, and spend your Friday malakarbating? We’ll even malake it easier with some Malakar malakterial for Malakites of all persuasions. Go ahead, what do you think the Internet is for? No one’s looking!
Before we proceed, please note that Lucy the Blog does not advise our influential French readership to support the far-right candidate Le Pen. He is pro-life and an alleged Holocaust denier, who considers 9/11 to have been a mere “incident.”
But on this particular issue, Le Pen’s got it right. During a recent candidate’s forum, he articulated his opposition to the free distribution of condoms in schools, saying that students should focus on the “much simpler method” of “manu militari.”
Always on the cutting edge of child development theory, Lucy the Blog famously endorsed this approach even as a green graduate student at Boston University. In the October 21, 2002 edition of our groundbreaking “The Sherpa’s Second Serve” column in the Daily Free Press, we were the first to report that:
“Amelia Earhart masturbated regularly. The guy who invented penicillin? Big masturbator. Henry Ford went at it twice a day. FDR? You bet. By the end of Operation Desert Storm, General Norman Schwarzkopf was rumored to have pleasured himself as many as three to four times a day. And in the midst of his run at Roger Maris’ single-season home run record, Mark McGwire supposedly masturbated after every game.”
Of course, we now know that McGwire’s record was tainted, but it’s clear nonetheless that this column left a great impression with Le Pen and would forever shape his political platform. Presumably, it will have the same effect on you, but you will only know by reading the entire column, which resides after the jump. (I would link to the Free Press online version, but it requires registration and who needs that hassle on a Friday?)
On Monday, we return with renewed vigor (this time we mean it!), as well as the second installment of This Week In the Noose. Yeah!
UPDATE: Prominent freedom fighters yanks it on train. Thrice! Why not?
Tony Bennett wears
a mustard yellow jacket.
Monday Night Football?
Is Paula the ref?
Simon looks especially
Tony tells Blake to
focus on the words’ meaning.
But it’s ‘Mack the Knife!’
Blake is a douche, and
Phil’s sweaty and bald like the
guy from Midnight Oil.
How can we dance when
the world is turning? Or sleep
More Idol haiku
after the jump, but it just
gets lamer from here.