This Week In the Noose: March 26-March 30, 2006

April 2, 2007 at 4:22 am | Posted in America, Bush, Jesus Christ!, New Orleans, Noose, TV, Video | 3 Comments

travolta-pilot.jpgClimb on board kiddies, because Captain Barbarino’s in the cockpit and he’s taking us for a one-way flight around This Week In the Noose!

Only history can say where our journey will take us.  But the No Smoking light has been turned off and you are free to roam about the cabin.  So pack a magazine, eat some peanuts, and pray to the everlasting Chocolate Jesus above that we’ll reach our destination unscathed. 

What?  Not even prayer can save us now?  Say it ain’t so!

The week got off to a rough start for our fellow travellers.  Airline passengers carrying the bird flu were detained and later executed by New Jersey state police, while real-life comedian Eddie Griffin totaled a $1.5 million Ferrari.  

In other news MONDAY, an Alberto Gonzalez aid vowed to take the Fifth rather than testify against Dos AG at the Senate.  And the results of Anna Nicole Smith’s autopsy led to speculation about her bowel movements.  

Other results proved that Alabama is the most religious state in America.  And Time tried to bring the rest of us up to speed, only to receive the wrath of bourgeois leftist secularists.  It’s Adam and Eve, Rachel Sklar, not Adam and Steve.  Get off your high horse!

A judge in England ruled that drunk women can, indeed, screw.  And between you and I, some are even prone to once they get a couple in ’em.  Like when I was 5, I gave these twins a sixer of Zima and they totally let me take pictures of their tits.  But who hasn’t that happened to?

Also Monday, a teacher stabbed himself in the neck, distraught over allegations that he’d been improper with a student.  And a nerd war erupted between Boston Globe scribe Dan Shauneghssey and conservative pitching sensation Curt Schilling.  (Full disclosure:  Schilling and I are colleagues here at WordPress.com and often engage in playful cafeteria grabass.) 

The UK was a hotbed of news this week.  A hostage situation developed off the coast of Iran TUESDAY, and Prince William also found himself in deep water – yes! – after gently cupping a boobie with his palm.  As if she didn’t want it!

(Editor’s Note:  It occurs to me that I just misread my notes.  I don’t know when the Iran hostage thing started.  The Manila hostage crisis happened Tuesday.  That’s what I meant to say.  But Manila probably wanted it too.  Here’s a story about that from the BBC, which broadcasts from England.)

pantythief.jpgIn Isreal, a pro-legalization group declared that pot is forbidden during Passover.  And here in the States, Wal-Mart gave until it hurt, while we brought justice to a stealer of panties.  Also Tuesday, a high school softball coach met with his peers to do some “soul-searching” about his team’s recent 64-0 victory.

“Baseball and softball have been part of my life since I was 7 years old,” Woodinville High Coach Jim Weir told the Seattle Times.  “The last thing I want to do is disrespect any opponent, disrespect the game.  What happened is unfortunate.  I have been questioning myself these last four-five days.”

tallguywedding.jpgNot to be outdone WEDNESDAY, a tall Chinese guy married a short Chinese lady, Pope Johnnie Paulo got closer to sainthood because he cured a nun’s Parkinson’s, and 64 pets were killed in a fire. I couldn’t stop laughing!

Andy Keaton from Family Ties got arrested for allegedly pouring an alcoholic drink in his girlfriend’s face while she slept on Wednesday, and then putting her in a choke hold and throwing her onto a bed. (That’s if you’re to believe the muckrakers over at DailyCamera.com. They’ve promoted an anti-Keaton agenda since Day One.)

On THURSDAY, the Senate passed a war funding bill that will cure all that ails you.  Yet George Bush pledges to veto it!  What else isn’t the mainstream media telling you?  Do you even ask yourself?  Or do you just take whatever they feed?  Sucking at the hashpipe’s loving teat all night to five repeat episodes of ‘The Office’?  What gives?  Can I see a new one please?

On FRIDAY, former teacher Allenna Ward (24, smokin’, and pictured) was indicted in South Carolina for criminal sexual conduct and lewd acts with 14- and 15-year-old boys at her school, at a motel, at a park, and behind a restaurant.  Those kids have done it in more places than me!  Another teacher was also involved, and my sources tell me the juvenilles were African-American so the death penalty is imminent.  But you won’t catch these broads stabbing themselves in the neck!  There’s other fish in the sea.

pervteacherplain.jpgGeorge Bush visited Walter Reed Hospital on Friday.  He is sorry, fellas.  Seriously, he’s gonna get it right.  He always gets it right; you know that.  Remember when he landed on the aircraft carrier?  That was adorable.  He’s just like you.  He will never let you down.

Elsewhere Friday, the Teletubbies celebrated 10 years of Teletubitude and a Chocolate Jesus exhibit was canceled at the Lab Gallery in New York.  Artist Cosimo Cavallaro created the anatomically correct statue from more than 200 pounds of milk chocolate.  According to the AP:

“Cavallaro is best known for his quirky work with food as art: Past efforts include repainting a Manhattan hotel room in melted mozzarella, spraying 5 tons of pepper jack cheese on a Wyoming home, and festooning a four-poster bed with 312 pounds of processed ham.”

In other art-related news, have you seen my wife’s brand new website?  Why don’t you commission her so we don’t have to live in squalor?

teletubbies.jpgWe have begun our descent, and we thank you for traveling with This Week In The Noose.  Passengers on the right side of the plane will see New Orleans below.  Not like it looks on Google maps, is it?  Well have no fear, because also on Friday, the House subcommittee on Science and Technology condemned Google for using pre-Katrina imagery of the Crescent City.  Chairman Brad Miller, D-N.C., said Google did “a great injustice by airbrushing history.” 

So yeah!  We’re not gonna take it anymore!  We take action!  Or at least wave fingers at the inability of others to take responsible action.  George and Google both learned that this week. 

As Nancy Pelosi so aptly stated, “There’s a new Congress in town.”  When they’re not campaigning.  Or out of session.  Or doing a speaking engagement.  So between 3 and 4 weeks a year, there’s a new Congress in town. 

And if anybody moves, they will take this plane down like an Undercover Brother.

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  1. You’re a golden god of blogging, like a bisexual Andrew Sullivan.

  2. […] friends over at Lucy the blog write so nice, let’s all touch their […]

  3. […] at 7:07 pm | In Noose, America, Bush, Video, Sports | As fate would have it, minutes after our inaugural takeoff last week, our This Week In the Noose pilot was forced into an emergency landing in Ireland.  But it will […]


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