Melky (Hearts) Nuts

June 4, 2009 at 6:39 pm | Posted in America, Yankees | 3 Comments
Tags: , , ,

There is so much awesomeness packed into this short video; I hardly know where to begin.

Love Melky’s farmer’s tan.  Love his inability to communicate with Marey Carey and his apparent indifference toward doing so.

Love the dedication with which he stuffs those peanuts in his mouth.  Love his lack of a reason for picking number 28.  Love his answer to, “Do you have a girlfriend?”

But mostly, I love that a little boy with nothing can come to the Big Apple from the Dominican Republic and become a New York Yankee and nail porn stars who once ran for governor of the state of California.  What a country.

In short, I love Melky Cabrera.  And I love America.

RELATED: I (Heart) Melky


Sun columnist’s writing shows he sucks

April 24, 2009 at 8:29 pm | Posted in America, Lowell, Lowell Sun | 5 Comments
Tags: , , , ,

“If you don’t know who Perez Hilton is, then I am sorry to be the one to introduce you to him.”

if i understood photoshop, there'd be white goo dripping from his lips, a la hilton. it would be hilarious!

if i understood photoshop, there'd be white goo dripping from his lips, a la hilton. it would be hilarious!

So begins the column “Gay blogger’s behavior shows his own intolerance,” written by Dan Phelps in this morning’s Lowell Sun

If you don’t know who Dan Phelps is, then I am sorry to be the one to introduce you to him.

He’s a generally harmless white nerd, who is in his late-30’s or early-40’s, were I to guess.  He’s a local columnist and not a bad one at that.  Or so I thought.  But my prior opinion could have been favorably skewed by the fact that he is neither Jim Campanini nor Lowellita.  All things are relative.

Before this morning, I’d never been moved much in any direction by Phelps.  He leans populist-conservative, I guess, and he’s quite vanilla-ish.  (I know, you’d never guess by the picture!

Today, however, I was a bit taken back by his borderline (if not outright) homophobic screed.  Picking up from where we left off…

“He [Hilton] is one of those in-your-face, flamboyangly gay pseudo-celebrities who is famous simply because he writes trash about other celebrities in an online blog.”

Let’s break this down.

(1) “one of those”:  No one wants to be “one of those” anythings; the phrase inherently conveys a sense of disdain.  I mean, really, what are you more likely to hear?  “He’s one of  those really nice guys who holds the door open and never cheats on his taxes“?  Or “He’s one of those pole-smokin’ types“?  “One of those” is rarely used in a favorable light.

(2) “in-your-face”:  Really?  He’s “in-your-face“?  I have a link to Perez Hilton on this blog, but that’s only because I’ve been too lazy to update the Blogroll feature.  I visit Perez once in a while, hoping to see a nip slip, but it’s not part of my regular online diet.  I find it quite easy to keep Perez Hilton out of my face.  Every time I see articles about his Miss USA scandal, I ignore them.  In fact, I wouldn’t even have read this one, except I thought the headline might be referring to Andrew Sullivan.

(3) “flamboyantly gay”:  “One of those” “flamboyant gays”!  I’ve had it with all of them!  Why can’t they just be nice, non-threatening white nerds like me and Lucy the Dog?

Continue Reading Sun columnist’s writing shows he sucks…

Geauxbama! Goose Old Man McCain! And a HELLS YEAH on Question 2!

November 2, 2008 at 7:10 pm | Posted in America | Leave a comment

Election Day is finally upon us. 

And as you may recall, prior to Lucy the Dog’s return to the working man’s Land of Cubicles and the subsequent drying up of the blog, we used this space to endorse the socialist, redistributing, half-breed Muslin, long-legged mack daddy, Barack Hussein Obama.

We still love us some Obama.  And, frankly, if the nation doesn’t goose the scary face of Old Man McCain and busty maverick Sarah Palin, we will sulk and contemplate violence.

But fuck that negativity.  Let’s win this shit.  YES WE CAN, YES WE CAN-CAN!

And while we’re at it, let’s get us some still-illegal-and-difficult-to-acquire-yet-sort of-less-illegal marijuana.  Because we’re not too proud to say we love us some marijuana, too, ya hear? 

So vote yes on Obama and yes on Question 2, Massholes.  DO IT!

Beyond the Palin

September 6, 2008 at 12:09 am | Posted in America, Lowell | 6 Comments
Tags: ,

This morning, as I was boarding the elevator to my office building, I overheard two women, who I’d guess were in their late-forties or early-fifties, gleefully discussing the mind-bendingly bizarre phenomenon that is Sarah Palin.

“She’s incredible,” one of them said to the other, her chubby neck rippling all the while. “I’m going to vote for McCain because she’ll be running the show. He can’t stand up to her. She’s amazing!”

Had I been able to react quickly enough, I would have punched that lady right in the eye. But instead, I stood there dumbfounded, no less so than I was when the barracuda was first thrust upon us a week ago (it’s only been a week!), and no less so than when I listened to her whacked-out hate-filled diatribe Wednesday night.

Coming on the heels of Romney’s twisted meltdown and Giuliani’s “red meat”-heavy rant (can we please retire the term “red meat,” pretty please), it seemed impossible that Palin could offer anything more offensive than what we’d already heard. But one should not underestimate Sarah Palin. (Nor should one question her credentials or any of the rapidly accumulating lies that fall from her lipsticked bulldog lips. Because that’s sexist. How dare you?)

The passage that really blew my feeble mind was when Palin said that, “a small-town mayor is sort of like a community organizer, except that you have actual responsibilities.”

To this, the crowd guffawed derisively, as they had earlier when Giuliani mentioned Obama’s history as a community organizer. And then once the laughter subsided, they returned to being pasty men with creepy fantasies of throughly vetting Madam Palin in a bathtub filled with homegrown, blackey, gooey, yummy domestic oil. DRILL, BABY, DRILL! DRILL, BABY, DRILL!

Thankfully, critics from all walks of life have spoken out against Palin’s childish slight, and they have done so eloquently. I, however, shall not.



You just spent four days bitching about the incompetence of Washington, which was obviously spoiled by the liberal stranglehold on the power structure over the last 12 years. (Wait, what?)

But while Washington was being incompetent, who do you think was getting shit done?

While Washington sent children to die and neglected those who returned, who do you think was helping the families left behind or sending care packages or hanging signs on highway overpasses?

While Washington watched New Orleans mold over for months after Katrina, who do you think was leading rebuilding efforts?

While you fight abortion and comprhensive sex education, who’s busting their asses to keep the kids of unwanted pregnancies on the straight and narrow?

While your party jacks the federal deficit with this bullshit war (which you justify as the will of GOD for god’s sake!), who do you think is picking up the slack for all the social services that have been slashed?

When municipalities can’t afford to put cops on the street, who do you think runs after-school programs to keep kids out of trouble?

Who do you think cleans the shit out of the canals in Lowell?

Who do you think fought for the rights of those with handicaps, like your friggin’ SON?

Who was Martin Luther King? Who was Susan B. Anthony? Who was that ex-con with the weird cadence to his voice on “The Wire” who started a boxing gym? Who were the Founding Fathers before they were the Founding Fathers? Who was JESUS FUCKING CHRIST?

The answer to all of this, of course, is COMMUNITY ORGANIZERS, you brainless fuckin’ puppet! If you sat on a PTA, you were practically a community organizer yourself, and you’re too goddamn stupid to know it! It’s the most selfless, important work that any American can do! Ask your own running mate! His advocacy of community organizing and community service is the only commendable thing about his entire platform!

Stay in Alaska, please, Sarah Palin. Go stick your head in an igloo or chase wolves from an airplane or get knocked up again or whatever the hell it is you do that so warms the piss of Republican zombies. We’ve got enough of your dumb-ass kind here on the mainland.

Community Organizing Leaders Speak Out About “Actual Responsibilities”
What a Community Organizer Does
Truly a Bridge to Nowhere

Live Blogging Mitt Romney’s 2008 RNC Speech

September 4, 2008 at 6:20 am | Posted in America | 1 Comment
Tags: ,

9:17 PM: Holy fuck.

If You Vote for John McCain, You Are Stupid*

September 3, 2008 at 11:12 pm | Posted in America, Bush, New Orleans | 4 Comments

The cognitive dissonance between reality and the Republican party’s talking points has been particularly dizzying as of late.

This past weekend, Newt Gingrich heralded Sarah Palin’s qualifications on ABC This Week, noting, among other things, her mad flute skillz.

Meanwhile, McCain’s other trophy wife, the Ferdinand Imelda Marcos of haute couteure soft casts (seriously, screw the houses, how many multi-colored soft casts does this lady have for that wrist), defended Palin’s international creds by noting that Palin comes from Alaska, which is really, really close to Russia.

But of all this bullshit, none is more mind-blowing than the glowing praise being heaped upon Old Man McCain every day for hosting a subdued convention in the wake of Hurricane Gustave.  Kerry Healey, the Imelda Marcos of battery-operated love toys (take my word for it), told Emily Rooney that McCain’s mature handling of the convention – putting the country first! – was in stark contrast to the substance-free glamour of the Democratic National Convention.

And last night, Joe Leiberman said:

“What you can expect from John McCain as President is precisely what he has done this week.” 

McCain himself told Chris Wallace on Fox News:

“It wouldn’t be appropriate to have a festive occasion while a near tragedy or a terrible challenge is presented in the form of a natural disaster.”

No, John?  Wouldn’t it be?  That’s odd because a few years ago, when a real tragedy – not a “near tragedy” – was unfolding, it seemed like a perfectly OK time to party. 

In fact, here’s a photo of the guy who conveniently couldn’t make it to the RNC – he’s very busy, suddenly – presenting you with a birthday cake on the very day that Hurricane Katrina was drowning New Orleans.

So here’s some straight talk express for the Republican ticket.  Go fuck yourself, John McCain.  And show your tits, Sarah Palin.  Seriously.  I totally want to see ’em.

*This should not be interpreted to mean that you are stupid if you don’t vote for Obama.  I can see why a one might not want to vote for Obama.  I don’t agree with it, but I’m open to a rational argument against voting for him. 

However, if you vote for John McCain, then yes, you are stupid.

Have A Good Cry and Beast L.A.

June 14, 2008 at 11:03 pm | Posted in America, Sports, TV, Video | Leave a comment
Tags: , ,

We interrupt this hiatus to pour a cold one for Tim Russert

The heart breaks on so many levels.  But I’m buoyed by the thought of him joining my grandfather in the great unknown.  Pop-Pop watched Russert every Sunday and taught me to do the same.

I’m prepared to bawl my eyes out tomorrow morning.  I almost lost it on the EZ Ride to North Station yesterday, which definitely would’ve been awkward.  Tomorrow, we let it all flow. 

Then it’s time to get smaller than Eddie House’s son.  Funkier than Rondo’s grill.  

As an unabashed, pink-hatted Celts fan, I can only imagine how rewarding these “heady times” are in The Beast Lair.  It is a far cry from this.  

So Lucy the Dog offers a premature and hearty congratulations to Perk, Boo Licious, Carl Spackler, the Crack Staff, and the rest of gangrene.  You made us like the NBA again. 

Beast L.A.

Ding-Dong, the Witch is Dead

May 7, 2008 at 5:09 pm | Posted in America | 3 Comments
Tags: ,

Hoosiers and Heels give Hillary the Gooseface.  Yes we can, oh yes we can can.

Patriot’s Day Rerun

April 21, 2008 at 5:50 pm | Posted in America, Essays | 2 Comments
Tags: , , , ,

Coach FootballIn honor of today’s holiday, I thought I’d post “I am a Big and Strong Patriot” by Coach Football (pictured, right).

This classic piece of prose was originally published on August 21, 2001 in Dude.  The essay would be honored later that year with a Pulitzer Prize for its searing insights and subtle eroticism.

So please enjoy and have a Happy Patriots Day.  And to all those marathoners out there, don’t forget to grease your nips!

“I am a Big and Strong Patriot” by Coach Football

As every American must, I embarked on a fine excursion to our nation’s home capital last weekend.  And let me tell you, I’m a different man.  For serious.

I started my weekend by taking the big bus down there.  What a great trip!  They showed some movie with Big American Stars, including Harr Ford.  It was some kind of thriller, with drama and murder and sexual in-you-endo. What a way to start it all!

So I get in, take the cab across the streets to my destination site, near the circle.  Get out, go in, the tall boys are ready, crack ’em open, and sit out on the porch.  People walking down the street, moving to the traffic beats.  Americans!  All of them! 
That night I slept on the cold concrete floor.  Waking up, showering, talking.  Taking the subway line down to the place.  Look at the tourists crowding in and panicking and arguing and looking at maps.  On the contrary, I’m prepared!  I know where I’m going!

All of a suddenly, I’m standing in the Art Gallery.  What a place!  Art all around, by Italians, Germans, the Dutch, even Americans.  Many different artsy stylings, techniques, and colors.  The American stuff is not highly regarded though.  So they keep it hidden to the right side.  

They have this whole ‘nother building that was built in the late 1970s by Jimmy Carter.  That gave me pause.  My understanding of the facts goes something along the lines that Carter was made fun of so much that nothing got done during his Term.  During the Energy Nightmare, Americans became increasingly disillusioned with the Southerner.  Then Reagan freed the hostages, sold the arms to Central America, and defined the mid-1980s. Continue Reading Patriot’s Day Rerun…

Keep the Change

April 15, 2008 at 8:39 am | Posted in America, Bush, Lowell, New Orleans, Sports | 3 Comments
Tags: ,

A couple weeks ago I considered writing about the Iraq war’s five-year anniversary.

But then I decided not to because it seems futile. I have nothing to say. Even a doped-up grad student who spent most of his time on campus gazing lovingly at the exposed thong-tops of freshmen coeds could’ve predicted this clusterfuck. If you think the war has benefited or will benefit America in any way, shape, or form, then you are a retard. Leave this blog now.

However, while performing a Google image search for Arianna Huffington (SafeSearch set emphatically to OFF), I stumbled upon The $3 Trillion Shopping Spree, a nifty site recently linked to by The Huffington Post, which Lucy the Dog sometimes contributes to under the pen name of “Deepak Chopra”.

The shopping spree gives you a chance to fritter away $3 trill and damn near two hours, filling a shopping cart with the money our president invested in “occupying Iraq and killing over a million people.”

You’d be surprised how far $3 trillion goes. I could only spend $2,239,298,606,460.96 before I ran out of steam. I mean, I could’ve thrown in some debt relief for Liberia or treatment for malaria, but fuck that. I’m not one to spend just because the money’s there. The remainder will do just fine in my ING Orange savings account, thank you kindly.

So here’s the list of what I bought. I encourage you to make your own list and then feel totally annoyed by this colossal waste of dough over the last five years.

B-2 Bomber – 1 purchased for $2,200,000,000

Just because I oppose the Iraq War doesn’t mean I’m some yellow peacenick. Far from it.

With this B-2 bomber, I intend to make Lowell a leading power here in the Merrimack Valley. We will not rule with recklessness. But as Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence, we will hold the rest of the Valley “as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.”

So be on notice, Merrimack Valley. Lucy the Dog has a B-2 bomber, and she will bomb the shit out of you. Continue Reading Keep the Change…

Next Page »

Blog at
Entries and comments feeds.