A Captain Looks at 35

June 26, 2009 at 9:59 pm | Posted in Birthday, Yankees | Leave a comment
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jeterIt takes someone special to knock Ashlee from the top spot on Lucy the Blog, especially on the eve of her opening.

But on this day in 1974, the Lord blessed all of us mere mortals with the gift of Derek Sanderson Jeter. 

On his kickass blog, Yankee beat writer Peter Abraham recounts that a reporter once asked Jeter what the best birthday he ever had was.  Jeter’s response: “Aw, you know I can’t tell you that.”

Undoubtedly, it involved finding a cure for cancer and feeding the hungry while in the midst of some ungodly sex romp with Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, your mother, or any combination thereof. 

And surely, his performance was clutch.  For clutch is all that Derek Jeter knows.

So today, we salute you, Oh Captain, My Captain. 

And may I please offer you my firstborn daughter as a gift on this monumental occassion.  I know it is not much for a man of your riches, but she is all that I can give. 

I would offer the wife as well, but she foolishly thinks you’re too full of yourself.  I know, I know.  I hate her.

Also born on this day were Chris Isaack, who gave us Helena Christensen in sand-covered black-and-white, Jason Schwartzman, who gave us Max Fischer, and Michael Vick, who sucks. 

Hap-Hap-Happy Birthday to you all, from Lucy the Dog!

A Dark Moustache Looks at 67

April 3, 2008 at 9:04 pm | Posted in Birthday, TV, Video | 1 Comment
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victor.jpgToday Lucy the Blog wishes alles Gute zum Geburstag to Eric Braeden, the finest gift Germany has ever bestowed upon these United States of America.

For 28 years, Braeden has carried “The Young and the Restless” as the legendary Victor Newman, a cuthroat tycoon who wears out heavy bags, rides horses, builds empires, and bangs mad bitches.  

In addition to liasons with strippers, blind farmers, and his son’s wife, Victor’s nailed Amanda Bynes, Jennie Garth, Jane Goodall, Tony Orlando, and Doris Day, all of whom, coincidentally also celebrate birthdays today.  

Newman runs Genoa City, Wisconsin, and if you don’t believe me, ask Boston Celtics shooting guard Sam Cassell, who cut classes at FSU to catch Y&R and once told Sports Illustrated he loves nothing more than lying in bed naked, watching The Black Knight in action.  

“He’s the man. The Victor Newman. Victor is cold.”

Amen, brother.  Victor Newman will fuck you up.

A Fat Man Looks at 80

February 26, 2008 at 6:06 pm | Posted in Birthday, Muzak, New Orleans, Video | Leave a comment
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In the days immediately following Hurricane Katrina, it was widely suspected that Antoine Dominique Domino had perished in his Lower 9th Ward home. But as we learned, it takes more than a Cat 5 to take this Fat Cat down.

Fats Domino is alive and walkin’ and celebrates 80 years on Earth today, perhaps with a bowl of beans cooked in his bathroom. If beans ain’t your thing, why not celebrate by buying yourself this two-disc all-star tribute to Fats, which benefits rebuilding efforts in the Lower 9th. Do it!

Also check out the video below, which could only be improved by Sanjaya Malakar descending from the rafters to take a verse of “Jambalaya”. Wearing a unitard.

An Axl Looks at 46 and a Bob Looks at 63

February 6, 2008 at 11:10 pm | Posted in Birthday, Muzak, Video | 6 Comments
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marley.jpgIt was a rough night filled with rage and cynicism and similar awful emotions – misplaced or not – that make for dull reading.

So let’s get off to a fresh hump day by wishing Bob Marley a happy 63rd and Axl Rose a happy 46th.

Both GnR and Bob take me back to my teenage years that now seem like decades ago.  My first Kids Foot Locker paycheck went to the Bob Marley box set.  All those long hours spent in polyester pants, only to bring the four discs home and realize every song pretty much sounded exactly the same.  The packaging was quite seductive though.

As for Guns and Roses, they’re easily one of the greatest bands of my lifetime.  And I’m not even that into them. 

But “Patience” is one of my favorite songs to sing-and-whistle along to in the car, and “Sweet Child o’ Mine” is, in my opinion, every bit as perfect as “Thunder Road” or “Like a Rolling Stone.” 

And then there’s the gloriously pretentious “November Rain” video, which gives you Stephanie Seymour in a short wedding dress and a guy jumping through a wedding cake.  What more can you ask for?

But Axl is 46?????  Day-umm, that’s old!  Yikes.

So here are two clips from Bob and Axl.  They’ll send you right back to algebra class at Chatham High School, where despite your best efforts, you will never get the right angle to see up Hillary Myers’s shorts. 

But fear not, my friend.  You’ll get a boner just by trying.

A Snooks a-Looks at 72 (plus one day)

January 23, 2008 at 1:20 am | Posted in Birthday, Muzak, New Orleans, Video | 2 Comments
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Lucy the Dog was so busy dilly-dallying with our economic stimulus package yesterday that we completely forgot to give a Happy Birthday salute to Fird “Snooks” Eaglin, Jr.

So tonight we’ll stick 72 candles in a pot of red beans and rice to celebrate. Here’s to 72 more, Snooks. Or at least a decade. No need to get greedy.

Also yesterday, Richie Havens turned 67, Baby Spice turned 32, and Bill Clinton took a nap. Awwwww. He’s so gross when he sleeps. Like a bulbous-nosed, shriveled angel.

A Barbecue Swinger Looks at 43

December 19, 2007 at 5:03 pm | Posted in Birthday, Muzak, New Orleans, Video | Leave a comment
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Kermit Ruffins turns 43 today, fo’ shiggity. 

So break out the Bud Lites, spark up the reefer, do the palm court strut, and swing your butt over to Louisiana Music Factory to pick up a copy of his latest album “Live at Vaughan’s” or his 2005 collaboration with his Rebirth brethren “Throwback”.  Either make for a funky stocking stuffer. 

And for the child who has everything and will probably use none of it?  Check out New Orleans Playground, a compilation of kid-friendly tracks by Kermit, The Meters, Fats Domino, Buckwheat Zydeco, and others.

Also emerging from the birth canal today were Professor Longhair, who would have been 89, Kevin McHale, 50, and Alyssa Milano, 35. 

Hap-Hap-Happy Birthday to all of them.

My Second Wife Looks at 31

December 6, 2007 at 9:56 pm | Posted in Birthday, Essays, TV | 9 Comments
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It has often been said that your marriage is only as strong as your ability to stave off former reality show contestants who are attracted to your creepy affection.

And in the case of my marriage, I’d have to say that adage holds true.

Continue Reading My Second Wife Looks at 31…

An Accordian Player Looks at 60

November 14, 2007 at 5:38 pm | Posted in Birthday, Muzak, New Orleans | 3 Comments

Today Lucy the Blog extends a happy, happy 60th birthday to Stanley Dural, Jr., or as we know and love him, Buckwheat Zydeco.

Also celebrating birthdays today are Laura San Giacomo and Ellis Marsalis, Jr.  Fellow New Jersey native Laura San Giacomo was the cause of one of my greatest disappointments, when I rented “Sex, Lies, and Videotape” with the sole purpose of seeing her naked.  Sadly, you don’t see her naked.  And the movie’s a total bore.

As for Marsalis, most of you know that he is the patriarch of one of our nation’s most accomplished musical families: the Osmonds.  May all three of them have a wonderful Wednesday.


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