Tags: your mother
But at the moment, the sun is shining on Lowell and the weather is ideal for a stroll down memory lane.
Yesterday marked one full year of soul searchin’ and knowledge-droppin’ at Lucy the Blog headquarters. And what a year it’s been for the Dog.
We laughed. We cried. We learned 12 things about Tyra Banks’s vagina. We opened foreign bureaus in Pakistan, Sweden, and Chechnya. And we licked the interior of our anus. It was awesome!
So today, please take our paw and join us as we revisit some highlights from the last 365 days. Or don’t. It’s Friday, so do whatcha wanna, do whatyalike, and do what you feel.
Cue sappy accoustic Green Day song, and commence nostalgic clip montage.
Tags: Bold and the Beautiful, Empty promises, Obama for prez, Presidential Elimination Party, Ridge Forrester on fire
UPDATED! SEE BELOW!
Yesterday I said Lucy the Blog’s presidential endorsement would be posted in two parts, with the second being a logos- and ethos-driven case for voting for Barack Obama.
However, today I realized I didn’t feel like putting in the effort to writing that. It just sounds like a lot of work.
So instead, please enjoy 10 minutes of classic footage from “Bold and the Beautiful.” And vote for Obama on Tuesday. If you don’t, I hope you fall into a huge pit of flames.
UPDATE: Apparently you cannot embed that footage so I removed the clip. But since you whiney turds came down so hard on me for not following through on that post, I’ve decided to finish the endorsement as promised.
However, it got quite wordy, so to find out why you should vote for Obama today, you must click on the good ol’ jump link. Continue Reading Presidential Elimination Party: The Exciting Conclusion, Part II…
Tags: Lucy the Blog Endorsement, Obama for President, People making dramatic faces and oversinging, Scarlett Johansson's ample bosom
Make Tuesday super. Vote for this man.
Over the past weeks, we have given the gooseface to some fine Americans, including two Democrats (Hillary Clinton (D) and John Edwards (D)), three Republicans (John McCain (R), Mitt Romney (R), Rudy Giuliani (R)), and one Sanguinary Satanic Vampyre (Jonothan “The Impaler” Sharkey).
During that time, self-inflicted goosefacings have been administered by the likes of Fred Thompson, Bill Richardson, and Dennis Kucinich. Which leaves us with Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul, and Mike Gravel.
We have decided to dismiss those three without the formality of a goosefacing, as we still couldn’t pick Gravel out of a crowd and we’re deathly afraid of being beaten mercilessly by the allies of Huckabee (Chuck Norris, Ric Flair, Jesus Christ) and Ron Paul (Arlo Guthrie, angry white supremacists.)
That, of course, leaves us with Democrat Illinois Senator Barack Obama. So consider this Lucy the Blog’s official endorsement. Give us the Big O or give us death.
Students in Lucy the Dog’s College writing class learn early in the semester about the three modes of persuasion: pathos, logos, and ethos.
Tomorrow we will present part two of our endorsement, using ethos and logos. But today, we focus on pathos, an appeal to the audience’s emotions. This, of course, is Obama’s forte. So there is no shortage of ammunition. We will simply play this video, which makes even our cynical eyes watery as we say “Yes, we can.” (Though we don’t really believe it, and at the end of the day we know we’re doomed to end up with Hillary because people are retarded. But don’t tell anyone. Yes, we can!)
After the jump is the South Carolina primary victory speech in full, which Andrew Sullivan has gushingly described as his best ever.
Even if you disagree with Obama’s politics, we think you will agree that Scarlett Johansson should be in a movie where we get an extended look at her boobs. And can you really say that about Hillary Clinton? Exactly.
Join us tomorrow for part II of the coveted Lucy the Blog endorsement.
Tags: Act of impaling, impaling stakes, Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey, People at risk of being impaled, People who impale
But ultimately we’ve determined that at this critical juncture in our nation’s history, Jonathon Sharkey is not the right Sanguinary Satanic Vampyre for the job.
We commend the 42-year-old “Impaler” for a well-run campaign. He has shown greater tenacity than he did during his 2004 White House quest, as well as a dedication that was altogether lacking in his three failed Congressional bids and his 2006 run at the Minnesota governorship.
In an election when Americans are crying out for bipartisanship, The Impaler has demonstrated a willingness to reach beyond his Vampire, Witches, and Pagan Party line.
Though his disdain for the Christian Supreme Being is no secret, The Impaler has gained traction among conservatives thanks to his support of the American farmer and hard-line stances against drunk driving, offshoring, and Native American Indians, who he rightly acknowledges as both terrorists and communists. Whoever assumes the Oval Office in 2009 would be wise to consider The Impaler’s “No More Indian Compensation Act,” which would hopefully put an end to the Indians’ whining once and for all.
The act is just one initiative in The Impaler’s dense and progressive 13-point “New Deal and Hope for America.” Lucy the Blog applauds the agenda, which also includes unionizing the entire U.S. workforce, providing medical care at a fair price, bringing home the troops, raising the minimum wage, and revising the income tax system with the assistance of Donald Trump.
However, in the arena where he has traditionally distinguished himself, Lucy the Blog feels Jonathon Sharkey no longer impales the mustard.
Tags: Gooseface, Red Sox, Rudy Giuliani, Sunday talk shows hosted by tiny Greek men
UPDATE: For a picture from the referenced “This Week” interview, scroll below. If you dare. Video here.
It appears our long national nightmare will continue, as Hillary Clinton won again in Nevada yesterday. Is this really happening? Kill me.
Elsewhere on the trail, I’m watching Rudy Giuliani on ABC’s “This Week,” and he appears to be wearing more makeup than he had on in this here picture ————————>
Easy on the eyeliner, Rudy. That shit makes you look more than a tad bit demonic.
So for that reason, America’s Mayor gets the gooseface.
Also because he rooted for the Red Sox in the World Series and because he’s sort of like, uh, totally insane.
Tags: Gonorrhea, Gooseface, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards
And while regular blogging will resume on Monday, Lucy the Dog wanted to take a moment to thank the good people of Iowa and wish them well as they return to whatever Iowans do to occupy themselves between caucii, when they’re completely irrelevant. Play with ethanol and Bibles, I suspect.
But last night’s caucus brought the nation one step closer to the sweet, delicious destruction of the John Edwards and Hillary Clinton campaigns.
And now it is up to you, New Hampshire.
Give these two bitches the gooseface.
Tags: Gooseface, Hair, Mormons wearing surgical gloves, Politics, Presidential Elimination Party, Romney
What has two thumbs and is about to get the gooseface?
There’s no shortage of reasons to lop off the well-coiffed head of just-passing-through former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.
But there are probably others we’d send to the gallows before him, had circumstances been different. (That’s a flock of geese heading your way, John Edwards.)
However, these are not ordinary circumstances. Tonight, Romney will make a much-anticipated speech to profess his love for Christ, and convince God-fearing Americans that he’s righteous enough to be president, even if he wears magic skivvies.
Despite their persistent efforts to recruit me to their ranks, I have no idea what Mormons believe or what their underpants look like. Nor do I know what Romney believes or what his underpants look like. Nor do I care.
Today we launch a new series on Lucy the Blog, titled Great Moments in Fabio Getting Hit By a Goose While Riding a Roller Coaster History.
In Part One, we flash back to Busch Gardens in 1999, where Fabio was hit by a goose while riding a roller coaster.
So one by one, Lucy the Dog will unceremoniously banish a candidate from the field, punctuating each dismissal with a clever catch phrase that we haven’t thought of yet. Like “You’re fired” or “The tribe has spoken.” (Oh, sweet, sweet memories.)
We start this morning by sticking a banana in the tailpipe of Sen. John McCain’s Straight Talk Express. John McCain is a one creepy maverick. And his candidacy should be taken behind the shed and shot. Soon.
Yesterday, McCain issued a press release with the following statement by supporter Sergeant Major Paul Chevalier, USMC (Ret.):
“Last week, Rudy Giuliani implied that he had experienced the torture of sleep deprivation while running for president. His hyperbole is an insult to all American soldiers who have had to endure real torture and mistreatment while in enemy hands. This practice was common during the Vietnam War. One of John McCain’s closest friends, LtCol. Orson Swindle, USMC (Ret.) was subjected to this treatment while he was held as a P.O.W. in North Vietnam and can personally assure Mayor Giuliani that the experience was far more severe than the loss of sleep he experiences as a candidate. I call on Mayor Giuliani to apologize to Lt.Col. Swindle and all of our courageous veterans who have had to preserve through this heinous experience as well as other torturous acts while serving their country and recognize how he belittled that service and sacrifice through his comments.”