Presidential Elimination Party: Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey

January 30, 2008 at 9:11 am | Posted in America, Prez Elimination Party | 8 Comments
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impaler0.jpgLucy the Blog’s editorial board has wrestled over this decision for several weeks now.

But ultimately we’ve determined that at this critical juncture in our nation’s history, Jonathon Sharkey is not the right Sanguinary Satanic Vampyre for the job.

We commend the 42-year-old “Impaler” for a well-run campaign. He has shown greater tenacity than he did during his 2004 White House quest, as well as a dedication that was altogether lacking in his three failed Congressional bids and his 2006 run at the Minnesota governorship.

In an election when Americans are crying out for bipartisanship, The Impaler has demonstrated a willingness to reach beyond his Vampire, Witches, and Pagan Party line.

Though his disdain for the Christian Supreme Being is no secret, The Impaler has gained traction among conservatives thanks to his support of the American farmer and hard-line stances against drunk driving, offshoring, and Native American Indians, who he rightly acknowledges as both terrorists and communists. Whoever assumes the Oval Office in 2009 would be wise to consider The Impaler’s “No More Indian Compensation Act,” which would hopefully put an end to the Indians’ whining once and for all.

The act is just one initiative in The Impaler’s dense and progressive 13-point “New Deal and Hope for America.” Lucy the Blog applauds the agenda, which also includes unionizing the entire U.S. workforce, providing medical care at a fair price, bringing home the troops, raising the minimum wage, and revising the income tax system with the assistance of Donald Trump.

However, in the arena where he has traditionally distinguished himself, Lucy the Blog feels Jonathon Sharkey no longer impales the mustard.


Not even the heavy-handed Fruity Giuliani can boast a record on crime and punishment that matches The Impaler’s. In his own words, he has vowed:

“…To instill fear into those who brutally attacked our great nation on 9-11, as well as criminals who prey upon the weak, the innocent, the elderly and children, by Impaling them for their unlawful actions.”

The Impaler is not the first candidate to make such a pledge. But unlike the other pretenders, The Impaler has laid out a detailed and aggressive action plan for his first 96 hours in office.

DAY ONE – “On my first day as President, I will IMPALE 20 people (enemies of America, and my personal enemies).”

These enemies, as noted on his Impaler List, include President George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden, VP Dick Cheney, Former Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Paris Hilton, Mike Tyson, Louis Farrakhan and Fidel Castro.

DAY TWO – “On the morning of my second day, I will IMPALE the rest of my enemies. These are just the first ‘terrorists’ to face my IMPALING Stakes.”

The Impaler has promised to announce these additional enemies by the end of 2007. But as of today, one full month into 2008, The Impaler has not made good on that promise.

DAY THREE – “On my third day as President, my ‘Death Dealers’ and I will go to IRAQUIANA [Indiana], and show the nation what will happen to you if you violate another American’s Constitutional Rights.”

One will not be shocked to learn that this display involves impaling. But The Impaler also pledges to hang every police officer in the town of Speedway, IN from the street lights.

DAY FOUR – Same as Day Three, only with the Los Angeles Police Department.


This is all well and good, and will draw nary a complaint from Lucy the Blog. Indeed, at first glance there would seem to be little to protest in an Impaler administration.

But the devil’s always in the details. And at the end of his platform, The Impaler leaves this troubling caveat:

“PLEASE NOTE: If any women who belong to a group scheduled to be executed are pregnant at the time, they will NOT be executed!”

While such an idealogical compromise may appeal to The Impaler’s pro-life constituency, we find it troubling that an otherwise strong candidate would venture onto such a slippery slope.

3525_1.jpegIf The Impaler can go soft on pregnant women, who’s next?

What’s to say The Impaler won’t wake up tomorrow with another excuse for not impaling someone who is most deserving of a good impalement?

While we appreciate his maverick outsider status, there is clearly a chink in his robe. How will his impaling stake hold up when stroked by Beltway lobbyists and corporate whores?

And where is the list that was promised by the end of 2007? Is this a return to the disinterested Impaler of yesteryear, whose fiery campaigns fizzled into lackadaisical and ineffective novelty acts?

We cannot take that chance in 2008. Not with al-Qaeda regrouping, the dollar crashing, the planet burning, six geese a-laying, and the Yankees going to training camp with so many question marks in the starting rotation.

Americans want change in 2008. Not the same old bickering, empty promises, and backroom grabass.

We want a leader who will do more than pay lip service to the whims of the day. A leader who will impale pregnant women without impunity.

And I fear, Jonathan Sharkey, that leader is not you.

So it is with great respect that I bestow upon thee, Impaler, the gooseface.

Nel Sangue.

PREVIOUSLY ELIMINATED: John McCain (R); Mitt Romney (R); Hillary Clinton (D); John Edwards (D); Rudy Giuliani (R)



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  1. Wouldn’t that be “with impunity?” And how come the Steinbrenners aren’t on the pending impalement list? Weak. I’m changing my affiliation from the VWP Party to the G&D Party.

  2. with impunity, without impunity. i was tired. and trained in the bill burt school of journalism.

  3. Does anyone have the heart to tell him that being the only brunette in Minnesota doesn’t make one a “Vampyre”?

  4. Stonge can tell him tonight at the VWP meeting.

  5. Being the only brunette in Minnesota doesn’t make one a “Vampyre.”

    Sorry — I forgot to tell you this last night at the VWP meeting.


  6. […] And the worst thing of all, I may well end up voting in November for the FIRST candidate I gave the gooseface to, John McCain. And I can’t fucking STAND John McCain. […]

  7. […] nationwide agree that Lucy the Dog’s gooseface impaled the presidential aspirations of Jonothon “The Impaler” Sharkey.  Have you heard his name […]

  8. […] I would rather be endorsed by Jeremiah Wright, Osama Bin Laden, and Jonothan the Impaler than the guy in the clip below. More Clinton yahoos after the […]

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