Presidential Elimination Party: Two-fer Special

January 4, 2008 at 8:15 pm | Posted in America, Prez Elimination Party, Video | 10 Comments
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clinton.jpgWe’ve now been on holiday hiatus even longer than Howard Stern. 

And while regular blogging will resume on Monday, Lucy the Dog wanted to take a moment to thank the good people of Iowa and wish them well as they return to whatever Iowans do to occupy themselves between caucii, when they’re completely irrelevant.  Play with ethanol and Bibles, I suspect. 

But last night’s caucus brought the nation one step closer to the sweet, delicious destruction of the John Edwards and Hillary Clinton campaigns. 

And now it is up to you, New Hampshire. 

Give these two bitches the gooseface.

Regardless of her qualifications, the thought of a Clinton or Bush occupying the White House for eight more years is not a pleasant one.  How am I supposed to become an adult if I’m trapped in this weird political time warp?  I need to move on.  We all need to move on. 

Justified or not, Hillary is clearly among the most hated people in America.  Her presidency would only embolden and rally the Hannitys and Limbaughs and Severins of the world.  And while they’re easy enough to ignore, the country would still radiate with a blood-thirsty hatred for our president.  We’ve had that for the last 15 years or so, and it hasn’t been fun.

edwardsrecord.jpgPlus, at the end of the day, Hillary is annoying as shit to listen to.  And Lucy the Blog’s Pakistani bureau has confirmed that she killed Bendzir Bhutto.  It’s true.  Hence, the gooseface.

Also annoying to listen to is John Edwards.  Blow your fucking nose, please.  And take a nap until you’re not so congested and nasely sounding.  It bugs me.

But everything bugs me about Edwards.  I’ve had a couple chances to see him live in New Hampshire, and now that I’m familiar with the scent, I can smell his populist bullshit all the way down here in Lowell whenever he swings into the southern end of NH. 

Ashlee’ll be like, Oh, Lucy the Dog, did you fart?  And I say, “Nope.  That’s just John Edwards talking about corporate malfeasance at Timberlane High School in Plaistow.  The wind must be blowing south.”  (But usually I also farted.)

The point is John Edwards is a total douche.  And his daughter has a fantastic rack.

So put on a hairnet, pretty boy.  You’ve got a date in the Granite State.  And if all goes great, you’ll get the gooseface. 

Live free or die, bitches.  Boo-yah!

PREVIOUSLY ELIMINATED:  John McCain (R); Mitt Romney (R)

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10 Comments »

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  1. John Edwards has a profound ability to almost never rise to the occaison. I remember his speach at the DNC. It was one of the lamest “Big Moment’ speaches I’ve ever heard. He sucks. And he’s a fraud. Why doesn’t he take his money and his oratory skills and become a labor lawyer instead of a prima donna presidential candidate.

  2. I’d rather be hit in the face by a goose than listen to another Hillary speech. That woman’s voice could peel the paint right off your house.

  3. Would you rather make out with her or listen to another one of her speeches?

  4. i would rather make out with cate edwards while listening to george clinton.

  5. I’d hit it — both of them. And George Clinton, too. And Robert Byrd.

  6. Cate has gained some weight since 2004. I’ll take Chelsea just for the resume.

  7. […] Jump to Comments Former President Jimmy Carter has a few words to add to Lucy the Blog’s presidential candidate elimination series (aka the great goosefacing campaign of […]

  8. […] ELIMINATED: John McCain (R); Mitt Romney (R); Hillary Clinton (D); John Edwards […]

  9. […] ELIMINATED: John McCain (R); Mitt Romney (R); Hillary Clinton (D); John Edwards (D); Rudy Giuliani […]

  10. Dude, Emma Claire is hot!


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