Presidential Elimination Party: John McCain

November 7, 2007 at 6:12 pm | Posted in America, Prez Elimination Party, Video | 8 Comments

mccainbush.jpgWith one year to go before the presidential election, it’s time to start separating the wheat from the chaff.  Whatever that means. 

So one by one, Lucy the Dog will unceremoniously banish a candidate from the field, punctuating each dismissal with a clever catch phrase that we haven’t thought of yet.  Like “You’re fired” or “The tribe has spoken.”  (Oh, sweet, sweet memories.) 

We start this morning by sticking a banana in the tailpipe of Sen. John McCain’s Straight Talk Express.  John McCain is a one creepy maverick.  And his candidacy should be taken behind the shed and shot.  Soon.

Yesterday, McCain issued a press release with the following statement by supporter Sergeant Major Paul Chevalier, USMC (Ret.):

“Last week, Rudy Giuliani implied that he had experienced the torture of sleep deprivation while running for president.  His hyperbole is an insult to all American soldiers who have had to endure real torture and mistreatment while in enemy hands.  This practice was common during the Vietnam War.  One of John McCain’s closest friends, LtCol. Orson Swindle, USMC (Ret.) was subjected to this treatment while he was held as a P.O.W. in North Vietnam and can personally assure Mayor Giuliani that the experience was far more severe than the loss of sleep he experiences as a candidate.  I call on Mayor Giuliani to apologize to Lt.Col. Swindle and all of our courageous veterans who have had to preserve through this heinous experience as well as other torturous acts while serving their country and recognize how he belittled that service and sacrifice through his comments.”

This release comes a week after McCain mocked Hillary Clinton’s support for a Woodstock Museum, by joking during a debate:

“A few days ago, Senator Clinton tried to spend one million dollars on the Woodstock concert museum.  Now my friends, I wasn’t there.  I’m sure it was a cultural and phramaceutical event.  I was tied up at the time.”

McCain was so impressed with himself that he immortalized the ‘joke’ in a campaign ad that’s been running ever since:

The federal government can find a million dollars between the cushions of the sofa.  You just put it on the tab and let the grandchildren pay for it.  No big deal. 

And furthermore, as Washington Post Joel Achenbach notes, the Woodstock museum is more than a mere hedonistic salute to filthy communist hippies.

But the greater point is the hypocrisy and opportunism of McCain’s joke and his campaign’s press release.  They encompass all that is ugly about politics and The Process.  And worse, they actually make me sympathize with the loathsome Hillary Clinton and evil Rudy Giuliani, while somehow making me think negatively of prisoners of war.  That’s an amazing feat to be sure.

uglymccain.jpgSo today we lop off McCain’s clunky head for:

(1)  Consciously making light of torture while condemning someone else for unconsciously making light of torture.

(2)  Employing a culturally divisive, holier-than-thou, and entirely gratuitous “hippies suck” tactic.

(3)  Kissing the ass of veterans and the troops for political gain.  And having a face that scares children.  And wearing those sunglasses that somehow makes that face even scarier.

(4)  Calling on another candidate to apologize for something.  When Lucy the Dog is president, she will take a hard line against calling for apologies.  It’s lame.

(5)  Being an old white man.  The country has many problems.  None of which call for an old white man.  (Has any problem ever called for an old white man?)

So that’s that.  Go away, John McCain.  Your act has grown tired. 

[Insert catch phrase to be determined later here.  Reader suggestions for said catch phrase will be appreciated and considered.]

I’m Lucy the Dog.  And I approved this message.

RELATED (kinda):  Since we’re talking prez stuff, I thought I’d point you to this nifty story by Dan Kennedy about Kucinich’s UFO and Huckabee’s God.

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  1. Suggested catchphrases:

    “Whammy.”
    “Frodo lives.”
    “Eat my shorts.”
    “By the power of GRAYSKULL!”
    “Don’t be ridiculose cousin Larry.”
    “Welcome to the O.C., bitch!”
    “Good night, Jon Boy”
    “Is that your final answer?”
    “Book ’em Danno”

    and my personal choice:

    “Get off my fucking lawn with that shit.”

  2. Pax, you forgot, “Shazzam!”

  3. How about using the Clarence Carter classic song “Patches” as his theme song. I would vote for him…

    I was born and raised down in Alabama on a farm way back up in the woods. Oh
    I was so ragged folks used to call me “Patches”. Papa used to tease me about
    it, but deep down inside dad was hurtin’ ’cause he’d done the best he could.

    My papa was a great old man
    I can see him with a shovel in his hand
    Education that he never had
    But he did wonders when the times got bad
    The little money from the crops we raised
    Barely paid the bills we made

    Oh life whipped him
    Down to the ground
    When he tried to get up
    Life would kick him back down
    On the day papa called me
    To his dyin’ bed
    Placed his hand on my shoulders
    And in tears he said

    Patches
    I’m depending on you, son
    To pull the family through
    My son, it’s all left up to you

    Two days later papa passed away
    And I became a man that day
    Everyday I had to work the fields
    ‘Cause that’s the only way
    We got our meals
    See, I was the oldest of the family
    And everybody was depending on me

    Now the years have passed
    And everybody’s grown
    Mama’s been livin’
    In a brand new home
    Lord knows it took
    A lot of sweat and tears
    And my daddy’s voice
    To help us through the years
    He said –

    Patches
    I’m depending on you, son
    To pull the family through
    My son, it’s all left up to you

    Daddy had been sick for a long time, flat on his back. Every evenin’ after
    we’d finish our chores and eat our dinner, we’d all go into papa’s room to
    cheer him up a little. And this particular day dad was in good spirits,
    sittin’ on the side of the bed, tellin’ mama how good she looked. When all
    of a sudden, papa had a pain in his chest. I was too young to understand,
    talkin’ about a heart attack here. Mama rushed us all out of the room into
    the hallway. About ten minutes later she came out with tears in her eyes.
    She called out to me, “Patches, Patches, get in here, boy. Your daddy wanna
    see you.” I went runnin’ into papa’s room, there papa lay. Daddy had tears
    in his eyes. I knew something was wrong, daddy was a poor man, but all of my
    life he’d been a proud man. I knelt down on one knee beside the bed, papa
    put his hand on my shoulder. He said, “Patches, Patches, boy, the hammer of
    life done beat your old papa down to the ground, and I ain’t got nobody to
    turn to to take care of mama and the younger. So what I want you to do is
    promise me, son, is that you’re gonna do your best to help your mama as much
    as you can.” I said, “Papa, I’m gonna do my best.” But little did I know
    then like I know now, that tryin’ to climb life’s mountains searchin’ for a
    top where there ain’t no top, sometimes you find yourself frustrated, lazy.
    But every time I feel like I can’t live my life like I want to, my mind goes
    back to that day when I see those tears in my daddy’s eyes. But most of all
    I remember his words, “Patches, I’m dependin’ on you, boy.” Every time I
    feel like givin’ up, I hear his voice. “Patches, Patches, Patches, Patches -”

    I’m depending on you, son
    I’ve tried to do my best
    It’s up to you to do the rest

    Patches
    I’m depending on you, son
    I’ve tried to do my best
    It’s up to you to do the rest
    Patches
    I’m depending on you, son
    To pull the family through
    My son, it’s all left up to you

  4. […] PREVIOUSLY ELIMINATED:  John McCain (R) […]

  5. […] ELIMINATED:  John McCain (R); Mitt Romney […]

  6. […] ELIMINATED:  John McCain (R); Mitt Romney (R); Hillary Clinton (D); John Edwards […]

  7. […] ELIMINATED: John McCain (R); Mitt Romney (R); Hillary Clinton (D); John Edwards (D); Rudy Giuliani […]

  8. […] I will not fill in that scantron ballot for a Bush or a Clinton.  I’ll vote for Jonothan the Impaler before I support this idiotic, perverse family tradeoff.  I don’t care if Hillary can erase […]


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