Lucy the Blog

We’re Back and There Will Be Bloody Nips

Today is Marathon Day here in greater Boston.

the horror

This means that the EZ Ride Shuttle does not operate.  And that means that I had to take the subway to work. 

Which means that I saw lots and lots of bloated Red Sox fans drinking Dunkin’ Donuts ice coffee en route to getting tanked at the Caskon Flagon, or whatever it’s called, prior to the first pitch at 11:05 AM. 

Why are they so bloated, these Red Sox fans?  We know they are retarded, but the same can be said of most sports fans, including those of our dear New York Yankees.  But Red Sox Nation is without question the most fattiest of all nations.  Imagine what those Fenway bathrooms will look like by today’s final out, following hours of iced coffee and beer.  Absolutely vile.  And certainly, a handful of these neandrethals will be riding my train home this evening, nice and boozy.

(On a semi-related sidenote, I was taking a leak at North Station last weekend, and a drunk guy in the stall was LOUDLY singing Joni Mitchell’s “You Turn Me On (I’m a Radio)” during an equally loud bowel movement.  A true mash-up if ever there was one.)

this is why i never leave the house without first lubing my teets

Elsewhere in town, people are running very long distances.  This is something I would like to do myself some day, though not really.  Instead, I would settle for someday being the type of person who wants to run a marathon some day.  But even that is unlikely.  You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, after all.

Finally, happy 4/20 to all you potheads out there.  You really need to give that shit up though.  Seriously, grow up.  It’s kinda pathetic.

To help you toward that end, while honoring Patriot’s Day and the soft relaunch of Lucy the Blog, today we announce a public safety initiative designed to sweep soft-core drugs off the street.  We’re calling it “Ganja for Guns.”  

All you need to do is drop off any amount of unused marijuana at Lucy the Dog’s home, and she will personally issue you a brand new firearm.  That’s it; no questions asked. 

So let’s get those drugs out of our neighborhoods, people, and into the secure paws of Lucy the Dog.  Immediately.  Post haste.  Please.  For the kids.

RELATED: For the heck of it, here’s a rerun of Patriot’s Day Rerun, starring world-renowned musician and recently upgraded level four sex offender, Coach Football.  Click here.