Tags: your mother
But at the moment, the sun is shining on Lowell and the weather is ideal for a stroll down memory lane.
Yesterday marked one full year of soul searchin’ and knowledge-droppin’ at Lucy the Blog headquarters. And what a year it’s been for the Dog.
We laughed. We cried. We learned 12 things about Tyra Banks’s vagina. We opened foreign bureaus in Pakistan, Sweden, and Chechnya. And we licked the interior of our anus. It was awesome!
So today, please take our paw and join us as we revisit some highlights from the last 365 days. Or don’t. It’s Friday, so do whatcha wanna, do whatyalike, and do what you feel.
Cue sappy accoustic Green Day song, and commence nostalgic clip montage.
This Week In The Noose, Americans gathered ’round grills, kegs, and flagpoles to honor the Finest of the Fallen from our fine nation, including Miss USA Rachel Smith, who took a severe digger during MONDAY’s Miss Universe pageant in Mexico.
Also making Old Glory proud were government officials in Volusia County, Florida, who couldn’t get together enough scratch to pay someone to raise the flag on Memorial Day. And a Kentucky father and son, who honored our veterans’ sacrifices by beating a teenager with a pipe and a baseball bat during a dispute over balloons at a birthday party. Freedom comes at a price, America. Never forget.
So without further ado, here’s a look at the week that was, the week that wasn’t, and the week that could’ve been if only you’d applied yourself — all of it carefully packaged and freeze-dried here at This Week In the Noose.
On MONDAY, two Kansas City boys, ages 11 and 14, used a squirt gun to hold up the Leavenworth Dollar General store. And aside from that, the world stood still. Continue Reading This Week In the Noose: May 14-18, 2007…
Those letters to Congress bear their fruit today, dear readers. I can no longer ignore your persistant demands and grass-roots tenacity. You win. So today, we’ll stick our heads back in the noose. Are you happy? Stop e-mailing me. (And that means you, Pelosi.)
The week seems like it was just yesterday. It started out strong, with people coming together. But by the middle of the week, everybody was kung-fu fighting. And by Friday, I’d lost interest altogether. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves!
On SUNDAY, Roger Clemens reunited with the Yankees, who promised to pay him $8,000 for each pitch he throws. That may not sound like much. But when you consider the Yankees already gave him a Hummer for retiring, it’s not a bad deal for him.
Also reuniting MONDAY was Bill O’Reilly and Lucy the Blog reader Henre. The pair was romantically linked for years, but their relationship crumbled in 2003, after O’Reilly declared fatwa on the Frenchman’s homeland. For as Thomas Jefferson famously wrote in 1948, “The red, white, and blue must always come before genital loofah messages.”
O’Reilly believed Jefferson’s words, and he lived them every day. But even a patriot has needs, so the Factor Warlord finally called off the dogs. The lure of Henre’s pusierre was just too much for Bill to bear. So yet again, love conquers all and France is back in business. Good luck!
This was a week of taking stands here in the noose. Integrity and Resolution won the day. Good stared down evil. And children set aside their guns and raised their eyebrow clippers.
On MONDAY, MSNBC took a stand against insensitivity that negatively affects revenue. Iraqis took a stand against four years of “occupation” by the
United States Coalition of the Available. And Pakistani Minister of Tourism, Nilofar Bakhtiar, took a stand against her local Board of Fatwa.
The Board issued a fatwa after Bakhtiar commited a “great sin” by hugging a foreign man, according to my sources at Fox News. (Lucy the Dog gets her weed from the same guy as Shepherd Smith.) The foreign man was a skydiving instructor, who assisted Bakhtiar at a charity parachute jump in France. Money raised from the jump went to victims of the Pakistan earthquake of 2005. Infidel!
But you don’t have to be a Minister of Tourism to take a stand. You can be David Hughes of Beaver County, Pennsylvania. Hughes, previously charged with disorderly conduct, took a stand after paying $10 of his $281.50 fine. That was enough, he said! But a judge disagreed, causing Hughes to threaten him with death. To drive his point home – and yes, close reader, I did say drive! – Hughes rammed his automobile into two police cars. Then he punched them and raised his middle finger.
On TUESDAY, stands were taken against Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis and the misunderstood Pacman Jones . Suresh Kumar took a stand by cutting off his tongue and offering it to Hindu goddess Kali (You may also remember Kali as the female winner from Real World/Road Rules The Gauntlet, Season Three.) After cutting off his tongue, Kumar wrote a note to reporters, saying:
“I am a true disciple of the goddess and it is my firm belief which has given me the strength to offer my tongue to her.”
As fate would have it, minutes after our inaugural takeoff last week, our This Week In the Noose pilot was forced into an emergency landing in Ireland. But it will take more than engine problems and ditzy Scientologist aviators to bring down Lucy the Blog. This near-death experience has only made our mission more clear. What a rush.
So without further ado, we bring you the second installment of This Week In the Noose – a look back at the weird, the wild, and the wonderful from the work week gone by. Play ball!
On MONDAY, Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory received public derision after throwing the first pitch of the Reds season three feet wide of home plate. But the Nazi aggressors at Major League Baseball promptly deleted this moment from YouTube history, leaving only the grainy home video footage shown below. Fascist swine!
Other baseballers who got off to a shaky start this year included bloated bloviator Curt Schilling, the entire Yankees starting pitching staff, and “Grump,” mascot of the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Red Barons. Grump, as played by 42-year-old Jay Hastings, was arrested not once, but twice this week, on charges related to diddling little boys.
However, Grump wasn’t the only beast to claim a young helpless victim on Monday. At Seaquarium in Miami, a boa constricter bit a 3-year-old in the face. So much violence toward our most precious resources on National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day?!? What’s happening to our great nation? (Spoiler alert: It’s the immigrants!)
Climb on board kiddies, because Captain Barbarino’s in the cockpit and he’s taking us for a one-way flight around This Week In the Noose!
Only history can say where our journey will take us. But the No Smoking light has been turned off and you are free to roam about the cabin. So pack a magazine, eat some peanuts, and pray to the everlasting Chocolate Jesus above that we’ll reach our destination unscathed.
What? Not even prayer can save us now? Say it ain’t so!
The week got off to a rough start for our fellow travellers. Airline passengers carrying the bird flu were detained and later executed by New Jersey state police, while real-life comedian Eddie Griffin totaled a $1.5 million Ferrari.
In other news MONDAY, an Alberto Gonzalez aid vowed to take the Fifth rather than testify against Dos AG at the Senate. And the results of Anna Nicole Smith’s autopsy led to speculation about her bowel movements.
Other results proved that Alabama is the most religious state in America. And Time tried to bring the rest of us up to speed, only to receive the wrath of bourgeois leftist secularists. It’s Adam and Eve, Rachel Sklar, not Adam and Steve. Get off your high horse!
A judge in England ruled that drunk women can, indeed, screw. And between you and I, some are even prone to once they get a couple in ’em. Like when I was 5, I gave these twins a sixer of Zima and they totally let me take pictures of their tits. But who hasn’t that happened to?
Also Monday, a teacher stabbed himself in the neck, distraught over allegations that he’d been improper with a student. And a nerd war erupted between Boston Globe scribe Dan Shauneghssey and conservative pitching sensation Curt Schilling. (Full disclosure: Schilling and I are colleagues here at WordPress.com and often engage in playful cafeteria grabass.) Continue Reading This Week In the Noose: March 26-March 30, 2006…