This Week In the Noose: May 7 – May 11, 2007

May 15, 2007 at 6:26 pm | Posted in Bush, DWYFF!, Noose, Sports, Video, Yankees | 1 Comment

queenbush.jpgThose letters to Congress bear their fruit today, dear readers.  I can no longer ignore your persistant demands and grass-roots tenacity.  You win.  So today, we’ll stick our heads back in the noose.  Are you happy?  Stop e-mailing me.  (And that means you, Pelosi.)

The week seems like it was just yesterday.  It started out strong, with people coming together.  But by the middle of the week, everybody was kung-fu fighting.  And by Friday, I’d lost interest altogether.  But let’s not get ahead of ourselves!

On SUNDAY, Roger Clemens reunited with the Yankees, who promised to pay him $8,000 for each pitch he throws.  That may not sound like much.  But when you consider the Yankees already gave him a Hummer for retiring, it’s not a bad deal for him. 

Also reuniting MONDAY was Bill O’Reilly and Lucy the Blog reader Henre.  The pair was romantically linked for years, but their relationship crumbled in 2003, after O’Reilly declared fatwa on the Frenchman’s homeland.  For as Thomas Jefferson famously wrote in 1948, “The red, white, and blue must always come before genital loofah messages.” 

O’Reilly believed Jefferson’s words, and he lived them every day.  But even a patriot has needs, so the Factor Warlord finally called off the dogs.  The lure of Henre’s pusierre was just too much for Bill to bear.  So yet again, love conquers all and France is back in business.  Good luck!

At the White House, President Bush hosted the Queen of England.  He’s cute as a button, but damn near retarded!

corzine.jpgAlso damn near retarded, but formidable in the paint, is New Jersey Governor Dave Corzine, who returned to work Monday, a month into his rehab from a car crash.  Corzine’s driver was going 91 mph, and the governor was not wearing a seatbelt.  He broke a leg, 11 ribs, his collarbone, and his rectum in four different places.  (No one knows about that last part, so mum’s the word.)

“Other than buckling up, I think the biggest lesson, and it is the overwhelming one, is there’s tremendous good in this world,” the governor said.

That is so true, Dave Corzine.  So true.  Some days, the world’s goodness just pours over me until my soul is drenched and I can do nothing more than lay on the floor eating cheeseburgers.  There is so much love.  I ache.

More of the world’s goodness was on display on Monday in Japan.  In a Tokyo suburb, Kazuko Kawakami died after being strangled by the hairy palms of her own husband, Hitoshi Kawakami.  As first reported by Lucy the Blog’s Latin America bureau:

“The 28-year-old victim was playing with her husband’s mobile phone while he was taking shower and found a pornographic image, which he received from a friend, press reports said.  The couple, who registered their marriage in February, fought over the image, and the husband strangled his wife.”

Also overreacting TUESDAY was San Antonio Police Officer David Bierman, who shot a 21-year-old guy armed with a bag of weed.  Not cool.

amputee.jpgElsewhere in the police blotter, a guy with no arms and one leg managed to lose the pursuing authorities, during a high-speed chase through the streets of Florida.  Those very same authorities say Michael Francis Wiley, seen to the right, is one of Pasco County’s most accomplished traffic violators.  Despite his physical limitations, the 41-year-old nemesis of Weng Weng has persevered and established a criminal record that can stand up with that of any able-bodied man.  Like momma always said, “When life hands you lemons, steal a car, kick a state trooper, and headbutt your wife.”  And momma was right.

Momma also used to say how keeping up with us kids on the farm wore her out, just like having sex with a black man.  But apparently momma wouldn’t have fit in with today’s stuffy culture, where such feelings are wrong.  No, say the thought police, if you feel like you just had sex with a black man, keep it to yourself!  Well message received, left-wing zealots.  And thanks for blighting another childhood memory.

taiwan-brawl.jpgAlso Tuesday, the noose went to the Taiwanese legislature, and a Boston Pops concert broke out!  According to AP reports, rival lawmakers “exchanged punches, climbed on each other’s shoulders and jostled violently” over an electoral reform bill.  In a related item, Louisiana state legislatures jostled violently over a bill to outlaw cockfighting.

Predictably, if someone is banning cockfighting on Tuesday, someone else will be banning sex toys on WEDNESDAY.  And that corollarly held true this week, when officials in Cyprus outlawed the Love Bug 2, a remote-control operated and “deceptively powerful love egg.”  Military officials believe the vibrator’s electronic waves will disrupt the army’s radio frequencies, and if the Cyprus army falls, we are all totally fucked.

Teacher Angela Comer’s deceptively powerful love egg came in the shape of a 14-year-old middle school student, who Comer took to Mexico and sodomized.  Rather than stand trial, Comer pleaded guilty Wednesday, telling a Kentucky judge, “A trial is very stressful for everyone, and I just want this to be over.”  It’s refreshing when cooler heads prevail.

But cooler heads did not prevail in Germany and Boston Wednesday.  In the city of Cologne, a man cut off his own head with a chainsaw after stabbing his 70-year-old father to death. 

popsfight.jpgAnd at Boston Symphony Hall, a Taiwanese legislative session broke out!  Concertgoer Matthew Ellinger told the Boston Globe that a fellow audience member hit him after he asked the man to stop talking during the performance.  Cue “The Brawl at Symphony Hall.”

“People with a temper like that aren’t really safe in society,” Ellinger said. “If a guy is going to lose his temper at the symphony when somebody asks him to stop talking, that’s just not cool. If I were to let that go, I would be doing nobody any service.”

Rather than do nobody any service, Ellinger will sue the man, who went on to cause a ruckus in what the Globe dubbed “The Brawl at Symphony Hall.”  At the battle’s apex, one man had his button-down shirt ripped open.  It’s true.

On THURSDAY came news that oral sex causes throat cancer.  What gives?

mooniteguy.jpgOn FRIDAY, fallen football star and lover of the gonj Ricky Williams failed yet another drug test.  The test marked a significant setback for Williams, who was eligible to be reinstated to the NFL this month.  While his career prospects may look dim in professional football, we’d be happy to give Ricky a spot on Lucy the Blog’s co-ed softball team, which administered a thorough 14-3 drubbing of Gary’s Old Towne Tavern just this past weekend.

Also on Friday, charges were dropped against the two societal menaces who brought Boston to its knees with their anti-American cartoon Lite-Brite ads.  Next time there will be no mercy, hippies.  We’re living in a post 9-11 world, and it’s not funny!  Wash your fuckin’ hair!

And finally Friday, 31-year-old school janitor Adrian Mayne of Australia was sentenced to four months in prison for drilling holes into the kindergarten’s floor and its bathroom ceiling, which he used to take pictures of the students’ “breast and groin areas.”  Yo Adrian, everyone knows you can’t put those shrimps on your barbie.  At least wait until they’re 9!

Well, this endeavor has obviously fizzled out entirely.  But what have we learned this week, children?  

Rather than answer that, I think I’ll just hand it over to the Iron Sheik.  Because really, only the Sheik can truly articulate what I’m feeling right now, at this very moment. 

Please join us next time, when we’ll debut the first excerpts from Lucy the Dog’s celebrity sex tape.  Until then, sayonara, you “piece of sheet no good motherfucker!”


1 Comment »

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  1. There is certainly a lot to know about this topic. I really like all of the points you made.

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