This Week In the Noose: May 14-18, 2007

May 21, 2007 at 8:00 pm | Posted in Noose, Video | 6 Comments

lincolnhawk.jpgThe United States Postal Service raised the price of a stamp by two cents this week.  And in honor of that momentous occassion, we will be totally mailing it in today at Lucy the Blog.

So without further ado, here’s a look at the week that was, the week that wasn’t, and the week that could’ve been if only you’d applied yourself — all of it carefully packaged and freeze-dried here at This Week In the Noose.

On MONDAY, two Kansas City boys, ages 11 and 14, used a squirt gun to hold up the Leavenworth Dollar General store.  And aside from that, the world stood still.

But TUESDAY was a different story altogether.  Across the globe, authorities cracked down on criminal miscreants like Lincoln Hawk, 60, who pleaded guilty in Australia to two charges of importing illegal steroids.  The retired truck driver and arm wrestling legend cited a medical condition that requires the medication, but expressed no remorse, saying, “The world meets nobody halfway. When you want something, you gotta take it.”

hugging.jpgHalfway around the world that meets nobody, a Japanese teen wanted his mother’s head.  And making Lincoln Hawk proud, he took it!  After fully severing the head from his mother’s neck, the 17-year-old packed it in a Hello Kitty knapsack and delivered it to the Aizuwakamatsu police station, where he was promptly arrested.

In domestic crime, Greater Buffalo breathed a sigh of relief, as the Hugging Bandit’s decade-long reign of terror came to a merciful end.  (Hugging bandit pictured with wine glasses and neon BAR sign.)  According to the Buffalo News, the 200-pound Myra Castleberry, 48, “has targeted dozens of unsuspecting men in the city’s entertainment district, hugging tipsy men leaving Chippewa Street bars, distracting them by fondling them and then secretly stealing their wallets.”

“Hopefully, she’ll be hugging her pillow in her prison cell for a long time,” said Detective Sgt. Tom Donovan of the Central Police District. “It’s time for the Hugging Bandit to think about her evil ways as she sits in a prison cell for a while.”

Also arrested Tuesday were Varsha and Mahender Sabhani, the multi-millionaire Long Island couple accused of keeping two Indonesian women as slaves.  The two women were hired as housekeepers, but were allegedly mistreated and held against their will for several years. 

Lucy the Blog’s award-winning investigative team was seconds away from unearthing this scheme when New York Newsday scooped us and broke the story wide open.  If only we hadn’t taken that break to get small and watch the Real World/Road Rules Inferno 3 on onDemand!

adriana.jpg“‘One of the two Indonesian women was beaten…with a broomstick, cut behind the ears with a knife, burnt with scalding water, made to walk up and down stairs as much as 150 times in a row, and, at one point, was forced to eat 25 extremely hot chili peppers,’ according to federal prosecutors.

The reasons for the tortures included Varsha Sabhnani being unable to find an item of clothing or believing that the poorly fed women were stealing food, the prosecutors said.”

On WEDNESDAY, a drunk 15-year-old girl (pictured) was found stumbling around her neighbor’s back yard in her underwear

And if that’s not enough to percolate your loins, 29-year-old Shantae Cammack (pictured below, looking remorseful) was arrested in Massachusetts for mooning people from her parked van, an allegation she denied to police while her pants hung around her knees.  Cammack was charged with open and gross lewdness and disorderly conduct, and police said of the situation, “It’s unusual.”  If by unusual, they mean completely awesome, then yes.  It was unusual indeed.

Elsewhere in the noose, a New Jersey high school was shut down after a lovelorn alumni crashed his car into the building’s electrical transformers.  Police said the 19-year-old, who stabbed himself in the chest just before the accident, was distraught after getting dumped by his girlfriend.  In a related item, a Kentucky elementary school was shut down Wednesday while police investigated a backpack soaked with animal urine.

In international news Wednesday, Prince Harry was robbed of his dream to serve in Iraq, and a British judge got confused during a trial about Islamist beheadings on the Internet.  According to Reuters, Judge Peter Openshaw was utterly flummoxed by technological jargon like “Web site” and “forum.”

“The trouble is I don’t understand the language,” said the 59-year-old judge.  “I don’t really understand what a Web site is.”

mooner.jpgOn THURSDAY, a Chicago family kicked a gift horse in the mouth after their 8-year-old daughter was given a Happy Meal that contained a bag of weed, a pipe, and a lighter.  Rather than drop to their knees and thank God above, parents Keith and Andrea Irelan immediately made plans to SUE the McDonald’s.  Can you imagine?  They got the goods, they got fast food to treat the munchies, and they even got a goddamn lighter!  You know how hard it can be to find a lighter?  All that was missing was a Teletubbies video, and the whole family could’ve had the best weekend of their lives.  Instead, the ungrateful louts will sue.  Well shame, Keith and Andrea Irelan.  It’s people like you who made 9/11 possible.

Other happenings on Thursday included the resignation of misunderstood humanitarian Paul Wolfowitz and the discovery of a driving range inside the bowels of the misunderstood public works project The Big Dig.  A spokesman for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority confirmed that state troopers have set up a net in a “cavernous room in a Big Dig ventilation building” in East Boston so they could drive golf balls.  Such corruption and tomfoolery is also your fault, Keith and Andrea Irelan.  You owe the taxpayers of Massachusetts a heartfelt apology.

On FRIDAY, immigration was debated and a California woman suffered minor injuries when her car was rear-ended by an SUV driven by a state senator talking on a cell phone while driving through Solano County.  (ED NOTE: I’m getting tired now, so most of that sentence and much of what’s to follow was plagirized word-for-word.)

According to the Times Herald, Sen. Carole Migden, D-San Francisco, was driving her state-issued SUV when she rammed Ellen Butawan from behind at a red light.  Only last year, the senator voted for a law that takes effect in 2008, which will impose a fine for anyone driving while using a cell phone without a headset or one of those Bluetooth things that make you look like a douche.

wolfcard.jpgAnd finally Friday, in a story even hotter than half-naked drunk teens or strange women mooning people from a van, a news station reported that a significant percentage of lonely, suburban moms with urges left unsatisfied by their hard-working husbands like to get small after a long day.  And they’re waiting for your call.

“These were middle to upper-middle class women, professional women, mommies,” reported Shay Pausa, who interviewed hundreds of mothers in greater Phoenix.  “We had some that were members of the PTA and one school teacher even reported.”

Roughly 52 percent surveyed said they smoke pot at least 10 times a year.  Twenty-seven percent say they smoke it one to seven times a week.  And one woman bakes it into brownies, which she then shares with her cop husband to initiate a near-death experience.  (Funky re-mix video and full-transcript cartoon re-enactment below.) 

But despite all of us having a good time, you couldn’t join the fun, could you Keith and Andrea Irelan?  You couldn’t  just leave well enough alone.  How you can live with yourself is beyond me.

Next week in the noose, we explore other societal problems caused by the Irelans, such as the deterioration of the U.S. auto industry, pubic lice, poor student performance in math and science, and the cancellation of Arrested Development.  It’s all your fault, Irelans.  All of it.

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6 Comments »

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  1. Kick-ass post, though you made one typo. You wrote “Reuters,” when you meant Rutgers. They’ve really turned that program around.

  2. And one more thing: Dude Magazine Online circa 2000-2002: blogging before its time.

  3. Thanks for writing, Coach. And you’re right about Rutgers. As you know better than anyone, the Scarlet Knights will likely impose their will upon their Big East opponents next fall, as they return 14 starters from last season’s 11-2 squad that finished 12th in the rankings and won the Texas Bowl with a 37-10 victory over Kansas State.

    I expect to see Coach Schiano get a lot of yardage again this year from standout running back Ray Rice, who along with senior defensive tackle Eric Foster, should garner First Team All-American honors.

    Also keep an eye on senior offensive tackle Pedro Sosa out of Union City, NJ. Sosa runs a swift 40-yard dash, eats up D-Linemen like cheese puffs, and has a really supple ass. Plan on big things from him.

    I’d also like to thank you for your kind words on Dude Magazine Online, which was indeed light years ahead of its time. I must correct you, however, as we never made it to the year 2002. Unfortunately, like many small businesses, we never fully recovered from the financial realities of a post-9/11 world.

    Plus, our Webmaster Sherpa got caught up in a money laundering ring and star feature writer Jahk Lokk left the magazine after a contract dispute. But don’t cry any tears for me. As our old advice columnist Big Red might have said, “Tough shit, you fucking fuck.” Oh well.

  4. Yet another typo. Jahck Lok, not Jahk Lokk.

    Tony Esposito was also a fine contributor.

    I don’t follow football.

  5. […] online magazine, Dude.  Some of you may have heard of Dude from a comment in this Noose post, where Lucy the Blog reader and Level 3 Sex Offender Coach Football […]

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