This Week In the Noose: April 9-April 13, 2006

April 16, 2007 at 2:24 am | Posted in America, Bush, Noose, Video | 1 Comment

crocodile.jpgThis was a week of taking stands here in the noose. Integrity and Resolution won the day. Good stared down evil. And children set aside their guns and raised their eyebrow clippers.

On MONDAY, MSNBC took a stand against insensitivity that negatively affects revenue. Iraqis took a stand against four years of “occupation” by the United States Coalition of the Available. And Pakistani Minister of Tourism, Nilofar Bakhtiar, took a stand against her local Board of Fatwa.

The Board issued a fatwa after Bakhtiar commited a “great sin” by hugging a foreign man, according to my sources at Fox News. (Lucy the Dog gets her weed from the same guy as Shepherd Smith.) The foreign man was a skydiving instructor, who assisted Bakhtiar at a charity parachute jump in France. Money raised from the jump went to victims of the Pakistan earthquake of 2005. Infidel!

But you don’t have to be a Minister of Tourism to take a stand. You can be David Hughes of Beaver County, Pennsylvania. Hughes, previously charged with disorderly conduct, took a stand after paying $10 of his $281.50 fine. That was enough, he said! But a judge disagreed, causing Hughes to threaten him with death. To drive his point home – and yes, close reader, I did say drive! – Hughes rammed his automobile into two police cars. Then he punched them and raised his middle finger.

On TUESDAY, stands were taken against Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis and the misunderstood Pacman Jones . Suresh Kumar took a stand by cutting off his tongue and offering it to Hindu goddess Kali (You may also remember Kali as the female winner from Real World/Road Rules The Gauntlet, Season Three.) After cutting off his tongue, Kumar wrote a note to reporters, saying:

“I am a true disciple of the goddess and it is my firm belief which has given me the strength to offer my tongue to her.”

Also Tuesday, County Commissioner Keith Nelson stood against his previous stance. Earlier this year, Nelson became a YouTube sensation with his bold statement that he would not vote to abolish slavery, if it was the will of the people. This profile in courage was predictably slammed by the media elite. But what won’t these socialists tell you? How about the fact that Nelson is diabetic, for one? And if he doesn’t eat by noon, he gets wacky!

(Editor’s Note: At this point in the proceedings, we share your fatigue with the ‘take a stand’ theme. But we must stay the course.)

WEDNESDAY was a wild day in the noose for 17-year-old Cameron Kelly. Riding his bike, Kelly heard a loud boom but continued to ride for 60 blocks to his track practice. In the locker room, a teammate noticed Kelly’s shirt was red with blood. And wouldn’t you know he’d taken a bullet?!?! I could still probably kick his ass.

vonnegut.jpgKurt Vonnegut died Wednesday night, leaving me feeling really really dumb for never having read one word from him. I hear he’s fantastic though. A real ground-breaker. And apparently he is somehow associated with the phrase ‘so it goes,’ as it appeared in about eight million tribute stories.

Also Wednesday, charges were dropped against the Duke kids. And William Frawley, 53, president of University of Mary Washington, was charged with drunk driving for the second time in two days. He loves the drunk driving, that Bill Frawley.

George Bush does not love drunk driving. But he does love taking stands. And THURSDAY he did just that, after a suicide bomber blew up a cafeteria in the parliament building. Bush told the evil-doers that we won’t take that shit. Then The Decider and The Stand-Taker showed he can also be The Silver-Lining Finder, saying:

“It reminds us that there is an enemy willing to bomb innocent people and a symbol of democracy.”

Yaknow. In case ya’ forgot. They’ve been keeping such a low profile these days.

In other Board of Fatwa noose, a Malaysian council added ghouls, ghosts, and mermaids to the ranks of the damned. There they will join the carcii of genies, phoenix birds, and Don Imus. Way-oooooo!

Also Thursday, a crocodile bit off the arm of veterinarian Chang Po-yu, 28. Other limbs were severed FRIDAY, this time by the Empire State Building. According to propaganda-pushers at the Associated Press:

“A man jumed to his death Friday out the window of a 69th-floor law office in the Empire State Building. Police responded to the New York City landmark shortly before 3 p.m. after a 911 caller reported seeing a severed leg – covered in a gray sock – on the street below. The rest of the body was recovered from a setback on the 30th floor.”

Ew.

Also Friday, the Teen Aqua Hunger Force movie opened in Boston, despite fatwas issued by Religious Hardliner Thomas Menino. And a Chicago principal and teacher resigned, as video circulated showing them boning hard-core in the principal’s office. (Editor’s Note to young Lucy the Blog readers: If you forget how to spell ‘principal,’ remember that your principal is your ‘pal.’)

mooninite.jpgMeanwhile, in Indianapolis, a possibly drunken Donald Hudson, 44, drove his Jeep through a Wal-Mart after relieving himself in the parking lot. According to police reports, Hudson was careful not to do catastrophic damage in the store, driving his Jeep between displays.

“Hudson drove past the cash registers, turned right and then stopped, apparently lowered his window and talked to an employee working in the produce section.

‘He said something about maybe having a seizure, but then put the car in reverse, turned around and drove out through the doors,’ said Sgt. Gerry Hepp.”

Police would not say whether Hudson attempted to assault any of the officers with breast milk. But 18-year-old Felicha Marin did. And I am so horny.

That’s all for this week’s This Week In the Noose. Join us here next time, when you’ll hear Lucy the Dog say “Unique New York” five times fast.

Seacrest, out!

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  1. […] We first dipped our toes into the cyberwaters on March 6, 2006, with this post: Kanye West Doesn’t Care About Lucy the Dog.  Since then, there have been 140 posts, the most popular of which continues to be This Week In the Noose: April 9-13. […]


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