This Week In the Noose: April 2-April 6, 2006

April 9, 2007 at 7:07 pm | Posted in America, Bush, Noose, Sports, Video | 1 Comment

grump.jpgAs fate would have it, minutes after our inaugural takeoff last week, our This Week In the Noose pilot was forced into an emergency landing in Ireland.  But it will take more than engine problems and ditzy Scientologist aviators to bring down Lucy the Blog.  This near-death experience has only made our mission more clear.  What a rush.

So without further ado, we bring you the second installment of This Week In the Noose – a look back at the weird, the wild, and the wonderful from the work week gone by.  Play ball!   

On MONDAY, Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory received public derision after throwing the first pitch of the Reds season three feet wide of home plate.  But the Nazi aggressors at Major League Baseball promptly deleted this moment from YouTube history, leaving only the grainy home video footage shown below.  Fascist swine!

Other baseballers who got off to a shaky start this year included bloated bloviator Curt Schilling, the entire Yankees starting pitching staff, and “Grump,” mascot of the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Red Barons.  Grump, as played by 42-year-old Jay Hastings, was arrested not once, but twice this week, on charges related to diddling little boys.

However, Grump wasn’t the only beast to claim a young helpless victim on Monday.  At Seaquarium in Miami, a boa constricter bit a 3-year-old in the face.  So much violence toward our most precious resources on National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day?!?  What’s happening to our great nation?  (Spoiler alert: It’s the immigrants!)

halle.jpgIn international news, a Chinese woman fell from a sixth-floor balcony while hanging her laundry, but escaped death by landing in what news reports called “a 20 cm-thick heap of excrement.”  And in Australia, a thieving couple held up a restaurant known for its “nightly shows of yodelling and thigh-slapping dancing featuring men in lederhosen.”  After making off with a bag of leftover bread, the male robber accidentally shot his female accomplice in the back.  But as everyone knows, the couple that steals bread from restaurants with men in lederhosen together, stays together.  And we, for one, are rooting for them.

In celebrity news TUESDAY, Halle Barry received a prestigious star on the Walk of Fame.  And Keith Richards told British music magazine NME that he once snorted the remains of his father.

“He was cremated and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow.  My dad wouldn’t have cared,” Richards said. “It went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

bushcar.jpgOf course, none of this was true.  But truth is a funny thing, isn’t it?  Where does truth end and falseness begin?  What separates good from evil?  Deal from no deal?  And when is right wrong and wrong right?  If students torture a principal to the point where she can’t “take it any more,” is it OK for the principal to throw poo at them?  Toronto principal Maria Pantalone, 49, says YES, and Pantalone did just that.  But on Tuesday, activist judges said throwing poo is wrong.  Go figure.

Also in the education news Tuesday, five New Orleans fifth-graders were arrested for conducting an orgy in an empty classroom, while their peers and teachers attended an assembly to discuss a stabbing death at the school.  When I was in fifth grade, Carrie Joshi gave me a soda can pop-top.  Unbeknownst to me, that meant I was supposed to kiss her.  And when I finally mustered the courage, I gave her a peck on the tip of her nose.  Today’s kids have it made, I tell ya.  We were born at the wrong time.

In WEDNESDAY‘s police blotter, two Australian men were jailed for life after stabbing a homeless teenager 133 times and using his decapitated head as a bowling ball and a puppet.  And a Connecticut man was arrested when police found 16 bags of weed stuffed in his plush Easter bunny.  Meanwhile, a 26-year-old Ukranian woman was packing weed into the battery compartment of her vibrator, hoping to get it through customs at a New Delhi airport.  On THURSDAY, she failed.

mayororal.jpgAlso on Thursday, San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsome violated the sacred political adage, ‘Never let ’em see you simulate fellatio on a reporter’s microphone.’  And the Ford auto corporation announced it paid CEO Alan Mulally $28 million for four months of work, despite the company’s record $12.7 billion net loss in 2006.  In a related story, Mulally told a business group this week that he recently saved George Bush’s life by preventing him from plugging an electrical cord into the hydrogen tank of a hybrid vehicle during a Rose Garden ceremony.  According to Mulally, the error could have had disastrous and potentially fatal repercussions.  But we’ll never know.  Thanks, Al.  You really earned your keep this time.  Thanks.  So much.

Anyway.  In happier news, a judge in the United  Kingdom ruled that you can schtup a 10-year-old if she looks 16 – ruling that comes on the heels of another UK judge’s decision that drunk chicks are free game.

And in a Florida Wal-Mart, mastermind criminals set fire to the popcorn machine, creating a diversion that allowed them to sneak out the back door with stolen beer.  Witness Christian Dentley put the terrifying incident in perspective, saying, “It’s horrible, because I live right down the street.”  And another witness, shopper Marsha Farrell, noted, “It’s very amazing someone would try to catch a building on fire for beer, but that is the way it is in Orange Country.”

Other ways it is in Orange County?  Dead rats in the mouths of old peopleSign us up!

pope1.jpgOn FRIDAY, workers at an Orange County assisted living home denied leaving a 90-year-old man suffering from dementia with a dead rat in his mouth.  According to the lawsuit, Paragon Gardens Assisted Living and Memory Care “so literally ignored the needs of their residents, and most specifically Sigmund Bock, as to allow vermin in the form of a rat to become lodged in the mouth of Sigmund Bock and die therein.”

Also Friday, the world celebrated Good Friday while the Pope laid down on the floor and took a nap.  Authorities shot tear gas into a Phoenix home where 80 illegal immigrants were residing.  But straight-talking Man of the People Bill O’Reilly will not take that lying down!  Take it away, boys…

Whoa!  Those nerds were pissed! 

That’s all for today’s weekly roundup.  We wish you well as you face the slings and arrows of the seven days to come.  Join us next Monday for another installment of This Week in the Noose, and find out which member of KISS dies!  (Hint, it’s not the one you’re hoping for.)

 

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  1. […] April 12, 2007 at 7:11 am | In Idol, America, Bush, Video | Updating our report from This Week In the Noose, it turns out that Ford CEO Alan Mullaly pulled a Keith Richards with his story about saving […]


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