This Week In The Noose: May 28 – June 2, 2007

June 4, 2007 at 7:15 pm | Posted in Noose | 4 Comments

This Week In The Noose, Americans gathered ’round grills, kegs, and flagpoles to honor the Finest of the Fallen from our fine nation, including Miss USA Rachel Smith, who took a severe digger during MONDAY’s Miss Universe pageant in Mexico.

Also making Old Glory proud were government officials in Volusia County, Florida, who couldn’t get together enough scratch to pay someone to raise the flag on Memorial Day.  And a Kentucky father and son, who honored our veterans’ sacrifices by beating a teenager with a pipe and a baseball bat during a dispute over balloons at a birthday party.  Freedom comes at a price, America.  Never forget.

On TUESDAY, everyone went back to work, but tempers continued to flare.  A karaoke bar security guard shot a patron dead for singing out of tune.  And Eric Scott, a Connecticut cop, busted a cap in his 18-year-old daughter’s ass, which she’d been pedaling around town all night while he thought she was in bed.  According to published reports:

lohanknife.jpg“‘Mr. Scott was under the impression his daughter had gone to bed for the night, town police Capt. Thomas Rodia said in a statement. ‘He did not expect his daughter to be outside or down in the basement.’

Stratford police said Tasha Scott left her home some time late Monday to meet a boyfriend. She activated a backyard motion sensor light as she tried to enter through a basement door.”

This reminds me of my own father, who once said the only thing hotter than an 18-year-old sneaking out to pork her boyfriend is a knife-wielding red-head starlet with a troubled childhood, poor grammar, zero self-esteem, and uncontrollable substance abuse problems.  Forget that rehab, Lindsay.  Lucy the Dog has all the Promises you need.  Just rest your head on my shoulder and take my deep, hard, loving, and passionate Promises.  Take them and love them, Firecrotch.  (And by Promises, I’m talking about sex-making here.  Doin’ it.  The hot beef injection.)

Though Lindsay checked into rehab Tuesday, Joseph Brill did not.  Perhaps he might give it some consideration.  Brill, 53, pleaded not guilty Tuesday to his 28th drunk driving arrest.  And for many of us, it’s that 28th that really illuminates the fact that there might be a problem.  But old habits die hard.  Elsewhere in the police blotter, Wisconsin police recovered more than 1,500 pairs of girls’ shoes from the home of a 27-year-old man arrested for breaking into a high school.  The same man was arrested for stealing shoes from Kenosha Tremper High School in 2005.

“‘He liked to smell them,’ said Lt. William H. Graham.”

tuberculosis.jpgWell duh!  And what’s this tuburculosis guy‘s problem?  That CNN graphic scares the bejeezus out of me.

As usual, amidst so much madness, one needed only look to the innards of a Malaysian cow for sanity and inspiration.  Salmah Nayan told the Malaysian mainstream media Tuesday that she found the names of Allah and Mohammed in the guts of a cow that she was preparing for a wedding.  (Photo below, though that cow looks goatish to me.)

“‘I cut those intestines twice. At first I didn’t notice it but after I turned it around a few times it became clear the words ‘Allah and ‘Mohammed’ were there,’ she said.

The bride’s mother said her family would keep the intestines as a reminder of God’s greatness.” 

stray-rod.jpgIn other international news WEDNESDAY, the world of professional spitting claimed its latest victim, a 43-year-old German man who died after falling off a second-floor balcony during a “spit for distance” competition.  According to police, while competing against a 14-year-old, the man tried too hard to gain extra momentum to propel his saliva further and fell over the railing.

Fellow athlete Alex Rodriguez made headlines north of the border by stepping “up to the plate with a mysterious, busty blonde in Toronto,” according to the New York Post.  (And by stepping up to the plate, they’re talking about sex-making here.  Doin’ it.  The hot beef injection.)

entrails.jpgOther sexual deviants Wednesday included Linette Servais of Wisconsin, a 50-year-old organist at St. Joseph’s church, where she sang in the choir for 35 years.  Servais was dismissed from her organ and choir duties after refusing to quit her job as a consultant for Pure Romance, a company that sells spa products and sex toys at home parties for women.  Rev. Dean Dombroski also prohibited Servais from leading the committee that plans the annual church picnic.

Lucy the Blog’s Religion and Sex Toy Correspondent reports that Servais took the consultant gig after a brain tumor and treatment left her sexually dysfunctional.  Servais said the job allows her to help women with similar problems.

“After I got over the initial shock, I prayed over this a long time,” she said. “I feel that Pure Romance is my ministry.”

Additional persecution from the hands of puritan zealots came THURSDAY, as two female special ed teachers were fired and arrested for diddling two 16-year-old boys over the holiday weekend.  Killjoys!

In Pittsburgh, Steelers assistant coach Larry Zierlein accidentally e-mailed some porn to numerous NFL employees including league commissioner Roger Goodell.  Zierlein told the Associated Press, “I don’t know these machines very good, it was just a 100 percent unintentional thing.  Hit the wrong button…You learn from it and you move on.”

truck.jpgAn equally embarrasing miscalculation was made by a Texas truck driver, who drove his machine through the entire Lincoln Tunnel Thursday, before realizing that the tunnel had torn off the trailer’s roof.  And in South Dakota, a 47-year-old Sioux Falls man was arrested for throwing a knife at his wife after she accused him of letting her pet parrot escape. 

On FRIDAY, nothing happened.  The world sat in eerie silence, with no idea that in 24 hours, Hugh Grant would be cleared of throwing baked beans at a photographer. 

None of us would ever be the same.  Especially this guy:



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  1. WTF? I get married Wednesday and it doesn;t even rate a MENTION on your shitty blog? Fuck this, I’m going home to eat Funyons, rip tubes and jerk off. Assface.

  2. the upside of eloping is you get to avoid all the bs.

    the downside is no one cares.

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  4. Carey mp3


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