Presidential Elimination Party: Mitt Romney

December 6, 2007 at 9:15 pm | Posted in America, Prez Elimination Party | 5 Comments
Tags: Gooseface, Hair, Mormons wearing surgical gloves, Politics, Presidential Elimination Party, Romney

What has two thumbs and is about to get the gooseface?

THIS GUY!

There’s no shortage of reasons to lop off the well-coiffed head of just-passing-through former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney. 

But there are probably others we’d send to the gallows before him, had circumstances been different.  (That’s a flock of geese heading your way, John Edwards.)

However, these are not ordinary circumstances.  Tonight, Romney will make a much-anticipated speech to profess his love for Christ, and convince God-fearing Americans that he’s righteous enough to be president, even if he wears magic skivvies. 

Despite their persistent efforts to recruit me to their ranks, I have no idea what Mormons believe or what their underpants look like.  Nor do I know what Romney believes or what his underpants look like.  Nor do I care.

What bothers me about Romney is his vicious assault on my previously-untainted Inbox.  I’ve gone to great lengths to avoid exposing my Inbox to spam.  And I’ve been successful.  But reluctantly, I signed up for Romney’s e-mails to research a writing assignment. 

Now that the assignment is over, I’ve made repeated requests to have my name removed.  These requests have been ignored, leaving me subject to an hourly onslaught of campaign updates, most of which focus on his obsession with Rudy Giuliani. 

I haven’t seen such frustrated sexual tension since David Addison and Maddie Hayes.  And it’s only a matter of time before Mitt and Rudy succumb to their urges, likely in the midst of a hair-pulling debate tiff over who hates immigrants best.  Rhetoric will rise, tempers will flare, taunting will lead to shoving, and before you know it, the two will be rolling around the stage grappling in violent man-love and knocking down podiums and flagpoles. 

Mike Huckabee will look on with a mischeivious, horny grin, hoping no one notices as he unbuckles his pants.  If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a million times.

But I’m no square.  I’m not averse to voting for a guy who harbors lust for his political rival.  What I can’t do is vote for a president who is habitually unresponsive to my needs.  I’ve asked you nicely, Mitt.  Please remove me from your mailing list.  Yet you’ve emailed me six times in the last 24 hours.

I don’t need advanced excerpts from your speech.  I don’t need links to photographs of you editing the speech.  I understand you want me to know you wear glasses when you edit speeches.  Under that handsome exterior, there’s a cereberal, caring man who sits at a desk wearing glasses.  I get it.  I don’t need your Happy Hanukkah wishes.  I don’t need to hear about your endorsement from the chairman of the American Conservative Union. 

I just need to be left alone.  I just need you to go away.  I just need to dance.

So here’s a message to you, Mitt Romney.  And there’s no need to reply.

Take a hike.  Lucy the Dog has given you the gooseface.  Boo-yah!

PREVIOUSLY ELIMINATED:  John McCain (R)