Sun columnist’s writing shows he sucks

April 24, 2009 at 8:29 pm | Posted in America, Lowell, Lowell Sun | 5 Comments
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“If you don’t know who Perez Hilton is, then I am sorry to be the one to introduce you to him.”

if i understood photoshop, there'd be white goo dripping from his lips, a la hilton. it would be hilarious!

if i understood photoshop, there'd be white goo dripping from his lips, a la hilton. it would be hilarious!

So begins the column “Gay blogger’s behavior shows his own intolerance,” written by Dan Phelps in this morning’s Lowell Sun

If you don’t know who Dan Phelps is, then I am sorry to be the one to introduce you to him.

He’s a generally harmless white nerd, who is in his late-30’s or early-40’s, were I to guess.  He’s a local columnist and not a bad one at that.  Or so I thought.  But my prior opinion could have been favorably skewed by the fact that he is neither Jim Campanini nor Lowellita.  All things are relative.

Before this morning, I’d never been moved much in any direction by Phelps.  He leans populist-conservative, I guess, and he’s quite vanilla-ish.  (I know, you’d never guess by the picture!

Today, however, I was a bit taken back by his borderline (if not outright) homophobic screed.  Picking up from where we left off…

“He [Hilton] is one of those in-your-face, flamboyangly gay pseudo-celebrities who is famous simply because he writes trash about other celebrities in an online blog.”

Let’s break this down.

(1) “one of those”:  No one wants to be “one of those” anythings; the phrase inherently conveys a sense of disdain.  I mean, really, what are you more likely to hear?  “He’s one of  those really nice guys who holds the door open and never cheats on his taxes“?  Or “He’s one of those pole-smokin’ types“?  “One of those” is rarely used in a favorable light.

(2) “in-your-face”:  Really?  He’s “in-your-face“?  I have a link to Perez Hilton on this blog, but that’s only because I’ve been too lazy to update the Blogroll feature.  I visit Perez once in a while, hoping to see a nip slip, but it’s not part of my regular online diet.  I find it quite easy to keep Perez Hilton out of my face.  Every time I see articles about his Miss USA scandal, I ignore them.  In fact, I wouldn’t even have read this one, except I thought the headline might be referring to Andrew Sullivan.

(3) “flamboyantly gay”:  “One of those” “flamboyant gays”!  I’ve had it with all of them!  Why can’t they just be nice, non-threatening white nerds like me and Lucy the Dog?

Phelps goes on to question Hilton’s credentials for even participating in such a pageant.

“I know what you’re thinking: ‘A gay guy judging a beauty contest involving women?’  I mean, maybe I’m just out of touch, but that just seems like having a cat judge a pooch pageant.  ‘They’re all dogs!‘”

If this sentence is any indication, you are not out of touch, Dan Phelps.  You are just a douche.  Gay guys can judge beauty contests involving women.  They’re judging based upon talent, demeanor, grace under pressure, nightgown wear, bathing suits, and all that other bullshit.  They are not judging based upon what the insides of the contestants’ vaginas feel like.  If that were the case, perhaps they would be unqualified.  But it is not.

And even if you were right, the cat/pooch analogy just sucks.

“Imagine for a moment a Mr. Gay USA pageant – and who doesn’t believe it will happen as long as FOX is still in businsess?  Would a straight guy be allowed on the panel of judges?  Never happen.”

Really, Dan Phelps?  You don’t think that if FOX had a Mr. Gay USA pageant, they would be happy to have Kanye West judge?  Or Simon Cowell?  Or David Hasselhoff? 

And you don’t think any of those people would do a perfectly fine job?  Do you think they would be too freaked out by the creepy gays on the stage to perform adequately?  You don’t think FOX would love the ratings if LeBron James would agree to judge your hypothetical Mr. Gay competition?  You don’t think those creepy gays would be able to tolerate an outsider like him evaluating their looks and character?

“But at Miss USA, Hilton, never letting down his openly gay guard, asked Miss California, Carrie Prejean, her views on homosexual marriage.”

Did you seriously just write “never letting down his openly gay guard”?  What the fuck is that?

“No doubt, he would have been happy if Prejean had just lied and said gay marriage is A-OK with her. In other words, he doesn’t want to live a lie, but it’s ok if others do, as long as their lie puts them in line with his beliefs and his flamboyant lifestyle.”

Get your flamboyance off Dan Phelps’s front lawn, Perez Hilton!  Lest you be, well…what?

What should we do with Hilton?  What is his sentence for such gross offenses?  A good waterboarding with Jim Campanini’s back sweat?  The Pattywack Machine?  An erotic massage care of City Councilor Rita Mercier?  What?

“Perez Hilton should be universally villified.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  Not the dreaded universal villification!!!  Anything but that!!!

Phelps concludes by criticizing Hilton’s outting of gay celebrities, which is the only point that I remotely agree with him on.  But then he fucks it all up with a lame-o closing joke that’s exactly what you’d expect from “one of those” white nerd scared-o’-gays local columnists.

“He should stick to what he does best – outing gay celebrities.  But, really, did we need him to tell us Lance Bass was gay?

Get it?  ‘Cus Lance Bass is so clearly a flamboyant fag!!!  Even macho folks like us could tell!!!  Can I get a hell yeah, my Greater Lowell heteros?  Hit me up on Back Talk!  ZING!

Related: Gay blogger’s behavior shows his own intolerance, Lowell Sun
Related: What We Learned On NewsTalk LIVE: The Valentine’s Day Edition, Lucy the Blog
Related: Jim Campanini Is Not a Very Good Editor*, Lucy the Blog



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  1. POP!

  2. I haven’t been this annoyed at Dan Phelps since he farted in the glory hole.

  3. […] Lucy the Dog: Sun columnist’s writing shows he sucks Lucy the Dog Lowell Sun Archives Lowell Sun: Plastic-bag tax? Paws-itively […]

  4. […] I’m not sure I’d ever seen a full rainbow, end to end.  We were waiting at the light on Dutton Street and Broadway, just outside of Lowell Sun headquarters.  It was quite awesome.  Suck it, Phelps. […]

  5. […] it was not their chronic ineptitude or their flamboyantly whitebread columnists or their fabulous typos that caused us to give them the final gooseface by canceling our […]

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