Keep the Change

April 15, 2008 at 8:39 am | Posted in America, Bush, Lowell, New Orleans, Sports | 3 Comments
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A couple weeks ago I considered writing about the Iraq war’s five-year anniversary.

But then I decided not to because it seems futile. I have nothing to say. Even a doped-up grad student who spent most of his time on campus gazing lovingly at the exposed thong-tops of freshmen coeds could’ve predicted this clusterfuck. If you think the war has benefited or will benefit America in any way, shape, or form, then you are a retard. Leave this blog now.

However, while performing a Google image search for Arianna Huffington (SafeSearch set emphatically to OFF), I stumbled upon The $3 Trillion Shopping Spree, a nifty site recently linked to by The Huffington Post, which Lucy the Dog sometimes contributes to under the pen name of “Deepak Chopra”.

The shopping spree gives you a chance to fritter away $3 trill and damn near two hours, filling a shopping cart with the money our president invested in “occupying Iraq and killing over a million people.”

You’d be surprised how far $3 trillion goes. I could only spend $2,239,298,606,460.96 before I ran out of steam. I mean, I could’ve thrown in some debt relief for Liberia or treatment for malaria, but fuck that. I’m not one to spend just because the money’s there. The remainder will do just fine in my ING Orange savings account, thank you kindly.

So here’s the list of what I bought. I encourage you to make your own list and then feel totally annoyed by this colossal waste of dough over the last five years.

B-2 Bomber – 1 purchased for $2,200,000,000

Just because I oppose the Iraq War doesn’t mean I’m some yellow peacenick. Far from it.

With this B-2 bomber, I intend to make Lowell a leading power here in the Merrimack Valley. We will not rule with recklessness. But as Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence, we will hold the rest of the Valley “as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.”

So be on notice, Merrimack Valley. Lucy the Dog has a B-2 bomber, and she will bomb the shit out of you.

New York Yankees – 1 purchased for $1,027,000,000

First move: You’ve got a lotta spunk, Girardi. But we’re chasing Number 27 and there’s no room for error. You don’t pitch to Manny in that spot, so pack your bags. Lucy the Dog will take over from here.

Second move: I am pleased to introduce my new bench coach, The Sherpa.

Third move: We won’t be needing your services anymore, Mr. Pavano and Mr. Igawa. However, be sure to take a bag of stinky green bud on your way out the door. You and every other American! That’s right…

A Bag of Stinky Green Bud for Every American – 1 purchased for $100,000,000,000
Medical Marijuana for All Cancer, HIV, HCV, and MS Patients for 23 Years – $128,845,000,000

Please mail all unwanted bags to Lucy the Dog at 10236 Charing Cross Road, Beverly Hills, CA 90024. Yup. That’s the new secondary address. Because Lucy the Dog now resides at…

The Playboy Mansion – 1 purchased for $50,000,000

Suck it, Hef.

Switch to Solar – 1 purchased for $420,000,000,000

I’m not even sure what this switch would involve. But I do know my wife probably thinks it’s really important. And during the baseball offseason, I’m going to be spending lots of time at the Playboy Mansion. So my wife’s probably gonna be like, “Why are you always spending so much time at the Playboy Mansion? What about me?” And I’ll be like, “Whaddya think, this ‘switch to solar’ shit pays for itself? I need to breathe here, hon, I’m doing the best that I can! Get off my back!” Then I’ll do a bong hit with Paulie Shore and Bill Maher. Suh-weet!

Hanes Classics Men’s 6-pack Cushion Low Cut, White, 6-12 – 1 purchased for $10

I could use some new socks.

Rice for All – 2 purchased for $60,000,000,000 each

Oops. Somehow I clicked it twice and ended up with two orders. Thank me later, poor third-world people. Now you’ll get four dishes of rice a day, and so will everyone else on Earth! Mmmmm, yummy. Who doesn’t love rice? I do. But you know what I really love?

Soy Sauce Sesame Seeds (3) – 1 purchased for $10

I really love rice with soy sauce sesame seeds!

But you know what I really, really love?

Hannah Montana Anti-static Pink Hair Brush – 1 purchased for $10.99

I really, really love eating my rice with soy sauce sesame seeds while brushing my hair with a Hannah Montana Anti-static Pink Hair Brush. And if George Bush didn’t have to invade Iraq for no reason, maybe I could do it every day. PRICK!

Rebuild New Orleans – 1 purchased for $2,000,000,000
Finish repairing the damage done by Katrina – 1 purchased for $200,000,000,000
Raise New Orleans 20 feet – 1 purchased for $750,000,000,000

There’s probably some crossover in these three purchases, but the government runs on inefficiency, turf wars, and duplicated efforts. I have no plans to tinker with that winning formula. So let’s just make sure the job gets done, boys. And do it right. Don’t be afraid to come back and ask for more if this money doesn’t cover it. We can always move some funds out of the rice for poor people line item.

John Paul Pet Calming Moisturizing Shampoo with Conditioning Formula – 16 fl. oz. – $12.99

Whilst frolicking in the woods this weekend, Lucy the Dog rolled in much pooh. ‘Nuff said.

Mexican Border Fence – 1 purchased for $20,000,000

This was sort of an impulse buy. I thought it’d be a nice stocking stuffer for my father-in-law next Christmas. I love getting the holiday shopping done early. But what to get the Perk Is a Beast who has everything? Hmmmmmmm…

Drive: The Story of My Life by Larry Bird – 1 purchased for $3

According to Amazon.com, “Here is the book that puts a basketball legend – and his game – on the line. And scores!” He’ll love it.

National Debt – 2 purchased for $250,000,000,000 each

I accidentally bought two of these, also. But the extra $250,000,000,000 will make for a nice little reserve when President McCain goes to war with Iran.

Jolly Roger Skull and Crossbones Red Scarf Pirate Flag – 1 purchased for $.01

Uhhhhh, do I have to spell it out for you? It’s a jolly roger skull and crossbones red scarf pirate flat for only a penny! DUH!!!!!!

Private Concert with Bob Dylan – 1 purchased for $50,000,000

With Sanjaya Malakar as opening act.

Universal Health Care – 2 purchased for $3,067 each

For me and the missus. The rest of you suckas are on your own.

Rock Band Special Edition for PS2 – 1 purchased for $125
Play Station 2 Console – 1 purchased for $125

I was originally looking for a drum kit, but Rock Band came up in the search and I realized I’d rather play that then go through the hassle of learning the real drums. I’m not very good at “sticking with things.”

Make a Hollywood Movie – 1 purchased for $106,600,000

In a land of dying revenue. Plummeting circulation. And lobotomized refrigerator journalism. One misunderstood genius will ascend to immortality.

Lucy the Dog is…The Organizer.

Smashing windshields, exposing senior-citizen olympics doping scandals, and filing two stories a day, The Organizer is about to pop an inflatable rat in your ass.

Mary Louise-Parker costars as the HR generalist who generally craves his genitals. With appearances by Lindsay Lohan in her breakthrough role as Editor with Ungodly Tatoo Above Ass-Crack. And Penelope Cruz, the sassy union-busting consultant hired to take The Oragnizer down. Waaaaay down.

Rated R for non-stop fallating of The Organizer, coming soon to a theatre near you.

Increase Substantial Organic Produce in the US – 1 purchased for $10,000,000,000

When you’ve played that ‘solar switch’ card one too many times, nothing says, “Honey, I’m so sorry I had an offscreen romance with Mary-Louise Parker, Penelope Cruz, and Lindsay Lohan” like buying your woman 10 billion dollars worth of that organic produce that she so adores. Even transmission of that light case of the clap from Lindsay will be forgiven.

Mooning Garden Gnome – 1 purchased for $14.98

Because when I was just a little pup, I remember thinking, “If I ever get three trillion dollars, I am so going to treat myself to a mooning garden gnome.”

And goddammit, I deserve it.

RELATED:
The Daily Free Press: The Sherpa’s Second Serve: Dubya explores its powerful toys
The 3 Trillion Dollar Shopping Spree

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3 Comments »

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  1. Since everything else in The Organizer synopsis was more or less dead on, I have to assume the entire thing is based on actual events. And all I can say is what the fuck? There was fellating? I remember sodomizing — some of it even voluntary — but there was no fellating in this corner of Camp Malcontent.

    Some type fellatio backpay seems the only fair recompense. You’ll be hearing from my representatives with the…

    Dammit.

  2. tehehehehe your blog always makes me smile, despite being a lazy ass student who you would probably fail 😛

  3. There was no felating, but a whole lot of sucking. I’d watch that movie twice and now I can touch myself to your web site thanks to the Mary Louise Parker.


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