American Idol Recap: The Haiku Edition

April 4, 2007 at 7:01 am | Posted in Idol | Leave a comment

sanjayamohawk.jpgThis show no longer
offers me joy, a haiku
gimmick I’ll employ. 

Tony Bennett wears
a mustard yellow jacket.
Monday Night Football?

Is Paula the ref?
Simon looks especially
cleavagey tonight.

Tony tells Blake to
focus on the words’ meaning.
But it’s ‘Mack the Knife!’

Blake is a douche, and
Phil’s sweaty and bald like the
guy from Midnight Oil.

How can we dance when
the world is turning? Or sleep
with beds-a-burning?

More Idol haiku
after the jump, but it just
gets lamer from here.

suavjaya.jpgWhenever they say
something nice to Melinda,
she acts shocked.  No neck.

‘Memorize the words,’
Tony tells Chris Richardson.
Sound advice.  Round face.

I’d probably do
Jordin Sparks.  But she’s only
seventeen!
  Who cares?

When Tony sings ‘Smile’,
he thinks of nine eleven.
And then he cries.  Odd.

Gina Glockson, you
are dull.  Hurry and sing your
song.  Then Sanjaya!

White suit, hugging his
tight, brown buttocks, I’m woozy.
Don’t touch him, Paula, you goddamned whore!  Get your Cory Clark semen-stained hands off him, that is MY Sanjaya you bitch, MY Sanjaya.  And I will beat the crazy out of you if you lay so much as one skank finger on that boy again, do you hear me?  Do you hear me, Paula?  Don’t you ever – EVER – move in on my territory and make me spoil an otherwise perfect, rhythmically- and syllabically-sound haiku posting.  Do you hear me, slut?  Are you listening?

suavjaya.jpg

Where was I?  Haley
sings next. Was that Wayne Gretzky
in the audience? 

LaKisha’s fat.  She’s
a lady.  She’s singing.  The
show must be over.

Prediction:  Bye, Phil.
In eight months, I buy Playboy
to see Haley’s vaj.

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