I Fuckin’ Stink

April 22, 2009 at 11:39 pm | Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

armpit-odorI stopped updating this blog because I found I suddenly had nothing to say. And I still have nothing to say.

But I decided to force myself to start posting again, in hopes that that might change. Thus far, it has not.

Can I share something personal though, since I have nothing worthwhile to tell you?

I fuckin’ stink. I mean, seriously. It’s true. I reek.

For some reason, in about mid-January, my entire body decided to change the way it prespires. To my knowledge, I had never stunk before in 33 years of existence. I would sweat, but only within reason. There was nothing that three gentle strokes per pit of Dove deoderant couldn’t handle.

And now, this. By the end of the day, I am sitting in my cube with my armpits soaking, all swampy and disgusting. Why? What has changed? What the fuck is going on?

I apologize for the excessive cursing, but this is a troubling development. Life is difficult enough without having to deal with such a betrayal by your own body. And sadly, I suspect it’s just the beginning. As I get older, who knows what else will fail? Really, can erectile dysfunction be far behind? And the worst part is I’m freezing half the time, yet the sweat keeps coming. I’ll be copyediting my little science articles, just minding my own business, and out of nowhere one of these horrifying, chilly drops will crawl down the side of my torso. I disgust myself.

To address this problem, I recently invested six dollars in a different type of deoderant made by JASON (there are accents in that name, but I have no idea where they go or how I’d apply them). I figured that since JASON is all organic and shit, they’d have some magical green ingrediants to fix things. In hindsight, however, this logic was flawed from the start, as hippies and organic types are not generally known for their fresh-as-a-new-car smell.

Sure enough, I’m pretty sure this deoderant has only made the problem worse. I need something that’s the opposite of organic. Something that’s been tested on monkeys, with deadly results. Something that will be so strong that it kills any bacteria lingering under my arms and, simply by being in my household, passes along rare forms of cancer to lovely little Nola Jane. I need this now. But of course I’m so cheap that I’ll first have to use the entire bar of JASON, which means I’ll continue to stink through the summer months. Sweet. That should make for some comfortable commuting.

So yeah. Getting old is lots of fun. And that’s all I have to say about that. I fuckin’ stink.

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7 Comments »

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  1. Is that Victor Garber in the middle of that photo?

  2. you sent me to the google machine for that one, as i didn’t know who victor garber was. clearly, he’s one of these hip new actors that all you 20-somethings are tweetering about. but even after checking his credentials, i’m not sure whether it’s him. whoever it is, he has pretty boobs.

  3. […] It’s one thing that still makes me feel young, and as my head gets grayer and my armpits get stinkier and Nola gets bigger, it’s nice to feel young once in a while.  It’s nice to see […]

  4. Sometimes I like to chloroform my wife with my day-old gym clothes. She does not find it funny.

  5. I have an extra bar of Degree. They sell them in double-packs. My guess is that by the end of today you will smell like a urine-stained, Bangkok alleyway. Ashlee is a lucky woman.

  6. there’s no one luckier.

  7. […] all fuck.  (And that was before I’d even become acquainted with Rajon Rondo, who’s funkier than my pits at a James Brown […]


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