Nola Jane Is A Beast

May 22, 2009 at 12:32 am | Posted in Nola Jane, Sports | 1 Comment
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Nola Jane and unidentified man

These are dark days in the Beast’s dojo.  Not quite this dark, but dark all the same.

Thus, in an effort to jolt themselves from the somber doldrums of a lost second-round playoff series to the dreadful and unworthy Orlando Magic, the Beast Lair has generously offered up a free T-shirt to anyone who, well…it’s not entirely clear.  In their own words:

“Just give us a reason, any reason…a photoslop, a virtue of the beast, some fantastic statistical anomaly, whatever…and the one we like the best is getting a Beastly T of their choice.”

As of yet, the post has received zero comments, which may be because the site’s commenting feature is too depressed to get out of bed.  Every time I try to comment, it says I have to log in or something.  But I don’t have a Perk Is A Beast password, as far as I know.  So instead, I will plead my case for a free Beastly T right here in my own space.

Dear Beast Lair:

I deserve a free Perk Is A Beast T-shirt because I purchased a size L shirt that was big enough for me, Ashlee, Nola Jane, and Lucy to live in.  Since it was ordered through Cafe Press, I didn’t think I could exchange it. 

So then I bought a size M shirt.  But for that transaction, I was in more of a ringer T mood.  Those must be sized differently, because the medium ringer T turned out to be too small.  It’s tough to see in the above photo, but those biceps are about to tear the sleeves right the fuck apart.  So even though I’ve paid for two Perk Is A Beast shirts, I only have one, and it can only be worn to Europe or when dry-humping coked out bitches at the club. 

I also bought a onesie for Nola Jane.  It’s a little big, but she’ll grow into it.  I tell you this, however, because with those three purchases, by my math, I have invested nearly $75 in the Perk Is A Beast Empire.  Of course, all of this waste could have been prevented if I hadn’t gotten small and gone into big-spender mode when I visited your site.  But that damage has been done.  The only way to rectify matters now is to give me a free T-shirt.  Thank you.

Sincerely,

Lucy the Dog

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