SWINE FLU STRIKES LOWELL!!! HEAD FOR ZEE HILLZ!!!
April 30, 2009 at 12:03 am | Posted in Lowell, Lowell Sun, Nola Jane | 2 CommentsTags: Lowell, Lowell Sun, Nola Jane, Superintendent Chris Scott, swine flu
If I die from swine flu, it's your fault, Chris Scott.
I generally ignore such hysteria, but now that I have a vulnerable and precious little creature to protect, I’m admittedly a bit troubled by today’s news that two middle-schoolers from Lowell are the first confirmed swine flu cases in New England. They likely contracted it during a recent trip to Mexico.
Amidst all the deathly implications, I found one quote from today’s Lowell Sun to be particularly disturbing.
Apparently, the mother of the infected children is a teacher’s aide in the Lowell public schools. And, reports the Sun…
“Superintendent of Schools Chris Scott said she was unsure whether the mother returned to work yesterday.”
Uhhhhh, excuse me?
Wouldn’t that be a good thing to know? I mean, the kids haven’t returned to school since last week, and they were tested on Monday. So it should come as no surprise to their mother that they’re sick. Thus, as a precautionary measure, one would assume she should not be going to school.
And one might even assume that the superintendent should be aware of the situation–I was, after all. Perhaps she might even advise the mother to take a day or two off. At the least though, you’d expect Scott to know whether the teacher’s aide (who, I remind you, is potentially carrying a potentially deadly virus) had, yaknow, showed up to work.
Is it really possible that Chris Scott didn’t know? If so, that’s pretty lame.
ED. NOTE: I apologize for the hyperlocal Lowell coverage of late. I realize that our only Lowell reader is my wife, so this is probably a bore for the rest of you. But that’s your fault for not living here in the swine flu capital of New England. There’s a lot to like about Lowell!
Flamboyant Rainbow Antagonizes Dan Phelps
April 28, 2009 at 10:08 pm | Posted in Lowell, New Orleans, Obama | Leave a commentTags: Dutton Street, Lowell, Rainbow
This is a picture that I recently took of a rainbow in Lowell. Because the photo is truncated on the ends, you can’t see the group of homeless vagrants living underneath the rainbow’s warm, luminescent shelter. They were later removed by an anonymous city councilor.
I’m not sure I’d ever seen a full rainbow, end to end. We were waiting at the light on Dutton Street and Broadway, just outside of Lowell Sun headquarters. It was quite awesome. Suck it, Phelps.
Lucy the Blog hopes to return later this afternoon with an overdue tribute to the late Bea Arthur. Or, we’ll just post a portrait of her breasts and allow you to pay homage in your own way. Whatever time allows.
But until then, thanks for nothing so far, Barry! Love, the City of New Orleans.
Some Lowell Sun Pussy to Start Your Week
April 27, 2009 at 6:29 pm | Posted in Lowell, Lowell Sun | 1 CommentTags: "Tax on Plastic Grocery Bags", Chaucer the Cat, Lowell, Lowell Sun
google image search result of "chaucer cat lowell sun". but probably not actually chaucer the cat.
In this morning’s Lowell Sun, columnist Chaucer the Cat comes out aggressively against proposed state legislation that would, according to Chaucer:
“…tax consumers 5 cents per bag for each plastic grocery bag they use at the checkout counter at a supermarket.”
Given The Sun’s traditional pro-tax stance, it’s surprising that they allowed Chaucer the Cat to stray so far off the reservation. But Chaucer has never been afraid to tweak The Establishment.
“Here’s one for the outrageous pile,” (s)he(?) writes in ‘Plastic-bag tax? Paws-itively nauseating,’ arguing that the tax will force society’s most vulnerable out of their homes and into the aisles of our local Hannaford’s.
“Hopefully, many will be out when this comes up for a vote, otherwise you’re going to be pack-mule-ing your groceries home or living at the supermarket, and that’s going to be very crowded. “
Chaucer also asks who will replace our prune juice, in the event that the legislation passes and the whole world goes to shit.
Sun columnist’s writing shows he sucks
April 24, 2009 at 8:29 pm | Posted in America, Lowell, Lowell Sun | 5 CommentsTags: Dan Phelps, Flamboyance, Lowell, Lowell Sun, Perez Hilton
“If you don’t know who Perez Hilton is, then I am sorry to be the one to introduce you to him.”
if i understood photoshop, there'd be white goo dripping from his lips, a la hilton. it would be hilarious!
So begins the column “Gay blogger’s behavior shows his own intolerance,” written by Dan Phelps in this morning’s Lowell Sun.
If you don’t know who Dan Phelps is, then I am sorry to be the one to introduce you to him.
He’s a generally harmless white nerd, who is in his late-30’s or early-40’s, were I to guess. He’s a local columnist and not a bad one at that. Or so I thought. But my prior opinion could have been favorably skewed by the fact that he is neither Jim Campanini nor Lowellita. All things are relative.
Before this morning, I’d never been moved much in any direction by Phelps. He leans populist-conservative, I guess, and he’s quite vanilla-ish. (I know, you’d never guess by the picture!)
Today, however, I was a bit taken back by his borderline (if not outright) homophobic screed. Picking up from where we left off…
“He [Hilton] is one of those in-your-face, flamboyangly gay pseudo-celebrities who is famous simply because he writes trash about other celebrities in an online blog.”
Let’s break this down.
(1) “one of those”: No one wants to be “one of those” anythings; the phrase inherently conveys a sense of disdain. I mean, really, what are you more likely to hear? “He’s one of those really nice guys who holds the door open and never cheats on his taxes“? Or “He’s one of those pole-smokin’ types“? “One of those” is rarely used in a favorable light.
(2) “in-your-face”: Really? He’s “in-your-face“? I have a link to Perez Hilton on this blog, but that’s only because I’ve been too lazy to update the Blogroll feature. I visit Perez Hilton.com once in a while, hoping to see a nip slip, but it’s not part of my regular online diet. I find it quite easy to keep Perez Hilton out of my face. Every time I see articles about his Miss USA scandal, I ignore them. In fact, I wouldn’t even have read this one, except I thought the headline might be referring to Andrew Sullivan.
(3) “flamboyantly gay”: “One of those” “flamboyant gays”! I’ve had it with all of them! Why can’t they just be nice, non-threatening white nerds like me and Lucy the Dog?
Just Because We Don’t Post As Much Doesn’t Mean the Lowell Sun Is Less Stupid
October 6, 2008 at 10:33 pm | Posted in Lowell | 1 CommentTags: Lowell Sun, Taking a moment to think of something other than Sarah
That snappy-writing Scandanavian doofus over at Pax Arcana thinks he found the the greatest news story ever written today.
But for greatest headline ever written, you’d be hard-pressed to beat this one, which appeared in Friday’s Lowell Sun:
“Hamel retiring his briefcase, trench coat after 40 years at the Sun”
On its face, there’s nothing particularly notable about the headline. It ran above a story about George Hamel, a longtime ad salesman who started at the Sun way back on October 4, 1968. Now, as the headline would indicate, the beloved Hamel is hanging it up.
Except he’s not.
That previous link goes to a cached version of the article. But the now edited headline on the Sun’s site reads: “After 40 years at Sun, Hamel, briefcase, trench coat, keep on selling“.
Apparently, there is a little confusion over there on Dutton Street. So hold off on those “Happy Retirement” wishes. In a follow-up story that ran Saturday, reporter Jack Minch wrote, “contrary to a headline in yesterday’s Sun, [Hamel] does not plan to retire any time soon.”
To summarize: The Lowell Sun ran a story saying that the most tenured ad salesman at the Lowell Sun is retiring. But the most tenured ad salesman at the Lowell Sun is not retiring. And Jim Campanini is still not a very good editor.
Beyond the Palin
September 6, 2008 at 12:09 am | Posted in America, Lowell | 6 CommentsTags: Obama for Pres, Sarah Palin
This morning, as I was boarding the elevator to my office building, I overheard two women, who I’d guess were in their late-forties or early-fifties, gleefully discussing the mind-bendingly bizarre phenomenon that is Sarah Palin.
“She’s incredible,” one of them said to the other, her chubby neck rippling all the while. “I’m going to vote for McCain because she’ll be running the show. He can’t stand up to her. She’s amazing!”
Had I been able to react quickly enough, I would have punched that lady right in the eye. But instead, I stood there dumbfounded, no less so than I was when the barracuda was first thrust upon us a week ago (it’s only been a week!), and no less so than when I listened to her whacked-out hate-filled diatribe Wednesday night.
Coming on the heels of Romney’s twisted meltdown and Giuliani’s “red meat”-heavy rant (can we please retire the term “red meat,” pretty please), it seemed impossible that Palin could offer anything more offensive than what we’d already heard. But one should not underestimate Sarah Palin. (Nor should one question her credentials or any of the rapidly accumulating lies that fall from her lipsticked bulldog lips. Because that’s sexist. How dare you?)
The passage that really blew my feeble mind was when Palin said that, “a small-town mayor is sort of like a community organizer, except that you have actual responsibilities.”
To this, the crowd guffawed derisively, as they had earlier when Giuliani mentioned Obama’s history as a community organizer. And then once the laughter subsided, they returned to being pasty men with creepy fantasies of throughly vetting Madam Palin in a bathtub filled with homegrown, blackey, gooey, yummy domestic oil. DRILL, BABY, DRILL! DRILL, BABY, DRILL!
Thankfully, critics from all walks of life have spoken out against Palin’s childish slight, and they have done so eloquently. I, however, shall not.
Ahem.
FUCK YOU, SARAH PALIN. FUCK YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
You just spent four days bitching about the incompetence of Washington, which was obviously spoiled by the liberal stranglehold on the power structure over the last 12 years. (Wait, what?)
But while Washington was being incompetent, who do you think was getting shit done?
While Washington sent children to die and neglected those who returned, who do you think was helping the families left behind or sending care packages or hanging signs on highway overpasses?
While Washington watched New Orleans mold over for months after Katrina, who do you think was leading rebuilding efforts?
While you fight abortion and comprhensive sex education, who’s busting their asses to keep the kids of unwanted pregnancies on the straight and narrow?
While your party jacks the federal deficit with this bullshit war (which you justify as the will of GOD for god’s sake!), who do you think is picking up the slack for all the social services that have been slashed?
When municipalities can’t afford to put cops on the street, who do you think runs after-school programs to keep kids out of trouble?
Who do you think cleans the shit out of the canals in Lowell?
Who do you think fought for the rights of those with handicaps, like your friggin’ SON?
Who was Martin Luther King? Who was Susan B. Anthony? Who was that ex-con with the weird cadence to his voice on “The Wire” who started a boxing gym? Who were the Founding Fathers before they were the Founding Fathers? Who was JESUS FUCKING CHRIST?
The answer to all of this, of course, is COMMUNITY ORGANIZERS, you brainless fuckin’ puppet! If you sat on a PTA, you were practically a community organizer yourself, and you’re too goddamn stupid to know it! It’s the most selfless, important work that any American can do! Ask your own running mate! His advocacy of community organizing and community service is the only commendable thing about his entire platform!
Stay in Alaska, please, Sarah Palin. Go stick your head in an igloo or chase wolves from an airplane or get knocked up again or whatever the hell it is you do that so warms the piss of Republican zombies. We’ve got enough of your dumb-ass kind here on the mainland.
RELATED:
Community Organizing Leaders Speak Out About “Actual Responsibilities”
What a Community Organizer Does
Truly a Bridge to Nowhere
Open Letter to Lowell Zoning Board
July 15, 2008 at 6:56 am | Posted in Lowell | Leave a commentTags: Government inaction, Lowell Zoning Board, There's Less to Like About Lowell
Dear Lowell Zoning Board:
It takes a bit to get Lucy the Dog to post on the blog these days. Time is limited and I don’t have much on the brain. Plus I got knocked up!
But watching your performance during tonight’s meeting, I was inspired to brush the dust off this ol’ clunker. Because really fellas, I gotta get this off my chest.
ITEM 1: Please stop qualifying each of your anti-art sentiments with, “Hey, nobody supports the arts more than I do! I love art!”
You do not love art. And each time you claim to, it’s an insult to those of us who do. You impede art. You hardly know what art is. You do not love art.
ITEM 2: You are retarded.
Thank you and have a good night,
Lucy the Dog
It’s Not Easy Being Green
April 24, 2008 at 6:09 pm | Posted in Lowell | Leave a commentTags: Government inaction, recycling, Red Cross
(Ed. Note: This is one of those posts that will bore our non-Lowell readers. But that’s your own damn fault for not living in Lowell.)
Last week, City Manager Bernie Lynch told Lowell residents that the city may dump its recycling program in order to cut budget expenditures.
Apparently, less than 10 percent of the city’s trash gets recycled, and as a result, the program costs us $800K while only bringing in $250K.
This discussion about Lowell’s disinterest in recycling coincided with Lucy the Dog’s own ill-fated initiative to recycle.
Because we live in a condo complex, we are not eligible for the city’s curbside pick-up. Therefore, the only things that we generally spare from the trash are cans and bottles that can be turned in at redemption centers. Recycling paper, newspaper, cardboard, glass, plastic, and non-refundables has been, quite simply, too inconvenient.
But a couple weeks ago, I bought some plastic crates for sorting, and got very excited about creating a home recycling station in our garage. All I needed was a place to bring this junk. No problem.
The logical place to start seemed to be the city’s Recycling Department. I went to its web page, hoping to get information about collection centers. But if any such information is there, I couldn’t find it.
So instead, I called the department and explained my situation: that I don’t get curbside but I want to bring my stuff somewhere, etc. The Recycling Coordinator said that rather than read the list of drop-off locales over the phone, I should e-mail him and he’d email me the list. Easy enough.
I e-mailed him immediately and waited a few days for a response that never came. Then, on April 13, I e-mailed him a second time, asking if he did indeed receive my first e-mail. Again, a response never came.
Around the end of last week, I called the Coordinator to confirm whether he’d gotten my e-mails. He had, he said, but he’d been very busy. He then ‘promised’ to send me the list before leaving the office that day. And I am still waiting for the list.
Perhaps I’m being unreasonable here. And I don’t want to play the disgruntled taxpayer role or toss out the cranky “I pay your salary!” card. But whoever you are, public sector, private sector, wherever. If you say you’re going to do something, then do it. Otherwise, don’t say you’re going to do it.
And if you can’t provide simple information to a resident who is eager to recycle, then it’s no small wonder that your program is failing. So you might as well dump it and cut your losses. I bought my own friggin’ plastic crates, for Christ sake! You can’t even reply to an e-mail?
It’s just so silly and frustrating.
And in related news, I never heard from the Red Cross either. Fuckers.
Keep the Change
April 15, 2008 at 8:39 am | Posted in America, Bush, Lowell, New Orleans, Sports | 3 CommentsTags: $3 Trillion Shopping Spree, Dumbass war
A couple weeks ago I considered writing about the Iraq war’s five-year anniversary.
But then I decided not to because it seems futile. I have nothing to say. Even a doped-up grad student who spent most of his time on campus gazing lovingly at the exposed thong-tops of freshmen coeds could’ve predicted this clusterfuck. If you think the war has benefited or will benefit America in any way, shape, or form, then you are a retard. Leave this blog now.
However, while performing a Google image search for Arianna Huffington (SafeSearch set emphatically to OFF), I stumbled upon The $3 Trillion Shopping Spree, a nifty site recently linked to by The Huffington Post, which Lucy the Dog sometimes contributes to under the pen name of “Deepak Chopra”.
The shopping spree gives you a chance to fritter away $3 trill and damn near two hours, filling a shopping cart with the money our president invested in “occupying Iraq and killing over a million people.”
You’d be surprised how far $3 trillion goes. I could only spend $2,239,298,606,460.96 before I ran out of steam. I mean, I could’ve thrown in some debt relief for Liberia or treatment for malaria, but fuck that. I’m not one to spend just because the money’s there. The remainder will do just fine in my ING Orange savings account, thank you kindly.
So here’s the list of what I bought. I encourage you to make your own list and then feel totally annoyed by this colossal waste of dough over the last five years.
B-2 Bomber – 1 purchased for $2,200,000,000
Just because I oppose the Iraq War doesn’t mean I’m some yellow peacenick. Far from it.
With this B-2 bomber, I intend to make Lowell a leading power here in the Merrimack Valley. We will not rule with recklessness. But as Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence, we will hold the rest of the Valley “as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.”
So be on notice, Merrimack Valley. Lucy the Dog has a B-2 bomber, and she will bomb the shit out of you. Continue Reading Keep the Change…
Act Like You’ve Been There, Lowell
April 4, 2008 at 7:53 pm | Posted in America, Lowell, Lowell Sun, Movies | 7 CommentsTags: A lot to like about Lowell, irrational love for Louis C.K., Ricky Gervais, This Side of the Truth, Tina Fey's rear
Lucy the Dog is by no means immune to celebrity worship.
And we welcome any exposure or economic and cultural gains brought to our beloved Lowell by the filming of This Side of the Truth.
However, the first frame has yet to be shot and the city is already swooning like starstruck schoolgirls.
I love Ricky Gervais’s humor as much as anyone. And if I stumble upon Tina Fey, I will have no choice but to cop a feel of her adorable buttocks. But we’re not talking about Ridge Forrester or Sanjaya Malakar. Get it together, people.
Yesterday, a Boston Globe headline proclaimed, “As Lowell prepares for its close-up, locals have stars in their eyes.”
“Merrimack Valley, don your shades: Lowell is soon to be the location of a film shoot for a major motion picture with a star-studded cast, including Jennifer Garner.
‘Jennifer Garner coming into Lowell – that’s a 10!’ said Mayor Edward “Bud” Caulfield. ‘We’re really excited about it. It will certainly put Lowell on the map.'”
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