Flamboyant Rainbow Antagonizes Dan Phelps

April 28, 2009 at 10:08 pm | Posted in Lowell, New Orleans, Obama | Leave a comment
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This is a picture that I recently took of a rainbow in Lowell.  Because the photo is truncated on the ends, you can’t see the group of homeless vagrants living underneath the rainbow’s warm, luminescent shelter.  They were later removed by an anonymous city councilor.

I’m not sure I’d ever seen a full rainbow, end to end.  We were waiting at the light on Dutton Street and Broadway, just outside of Lowell Sun headquarters.  It was quite awesome.  Suck it, Phelps.

Lucy the Blog hopes to return later this afternoon with an overdue tribute to the late Bea Arthur.  Or, we’ll just post a portrait of her breasts and allow you to pay homage in your own way.  Whatever time allows. 

But until then, thanks for nothing so far, Barry!  Love, the City of New Orleans.


Sun columnist’s writing shows he sucks

April 24, 2009 at 8:29 pm | Posted in America, Lowell, Lowell Sun | 5 Comments
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“If you don’t know who Perez Hilton is, then I am sorry to be the one to introduce you to him.”

if i understood photoshop, there'd be white goo dripping from his lips, a la hilton. it would be hilarious!

if i understood photoshop, there'd be white goo dripping from his lips, a la hilton. it would be hilarious!

So begins the column “Gay blogger’s behavior shows his own intolerance,” written by Dan Phelps in this morning’s Lowell Sun

If you don’t know who Dan Phelps is, then I am sorry to be the one to introduce you to him.

He’s a generally harmless white nerd, who is in his late-30’s or early-40’s, were I to guess.  He’s a local columnist and not a bad one at that.  Or so I thought.  But my prior opinion could have been favorably skewed by the fact that he is neither Jim Campanini nor Lowellita.  All things are relative.

Before this morning, I’d never been moved much in any direction by Phelps.  He leans populist-conservative, I guess, and he’s quite vanilla-ish.  (I know, you’d never guess by the picture!

Today, however, I was a bit taken back by his borderline (if not outright) homophobic screed.  Picking up from where we left off…

“He [Hilton] is one of those in-your-face, flamboyangly gay pseudo-celebrities who is famous simply because he writes trash about other celebrities in an online blog.”

Let’s break this down.

(1) “one of those”:  No one wants to be “one of those” anythings; the phrase inherently conveys a sense of disdain.  I mean, really, what are you more likely to hear?  “He’s one of  those really nice guys who holds the door open and never cheats on his taxes“?  Or “He’s one of those pole-smokin’ types“?  “One of those” is rarely used in a favorable light.

(2) “in-your-face”:  Really?  He’s “in-your-face“?  I have a link to Perez Hilton on this blog, but that’s only because I’ve been too lazy to update the Blogroll feature.  I visit Perez Hilton.com once in a while, hoping to see a nip slip, but it’s not part of my regular online diet.  I find it quite easy to keep Perez Hilton out of my face.  Every time I see articles about his Miss USA scandal, I ignore them.  In fact, I wouldn’t even have read this one, except I thought the headline might be referring to Andrew Sullivan.

(3) “flamboyantly gay”:  “One of those” “flamboyant gays”!  I’ve had it with all of them!  Why can’t they just be nice, non-threatening white nerds like me and Lucy the Dog?

Continue Reading Sun columnist’s writing shows he sucks…

Lucy the Blog: the Resurrection

April 13, 2010 at 11:06 pm | Posted in Lowell | 4 Comments
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Oh, hello.  It’s been awhile.

Last spring, while walking with Ashlee, Lil Nola Jane, and Lucy the Dog, I stumbled upon this abandoned, helpless bear.  An encounter that, for me, was akin to finding Jesus Christ on a grilled cheese sandwich.

I felt an immediate, profound connection with him, and the memory of his deranged smile, in the midst of grave peril, fortifies me on a near daily basis against the slings and arrows of life.

There is no more apt symbol for the depravity of man than Lowell’s canal system.  On a good day, if the tides are right or the heroic Canalwater Cleaners have been at work, the glistening waters recall Lowell’s past moniker as “Venice of America.”

On most days, however, those canals are congested with shit–extraordinary amounts of shit, from Twizzler bags to Honda engines.  And each piece of said shit can be traced to a single human being who simply didn’t give a shit.  Just dropped his shit and moved on.  It’s somebody else’s shit now.

My mother is surprised by the shit, almost to the point of disbelief.  She thinks I’m exaggerating when I explain that people in my neighborhood routinely drop trash on the sidewalk without breaking stride.  In suburban New Jersey, where she and my father raised me, there’s far less shit.  Here in Lowell, even the city government leaves its shit around at least once a year.

It can be disheartening to walk the canals and see the consequences of such selfishness, stupidity, and disregard.  And of course, if you extrapolate further and consider what else is begot by that way of (not) thinking…well, you just might toss yourself into that canal.

The shit is pervasive.  Big bank shenanigans.  Endless war.  Political ineptitude.  Tea-bagging retards and Nazi-boning infidels.  Pretty much all the columnists at the Lowell Sun and every boozy T rider who curses in front of kids.  What’s up with their shit?

Early Easter morning, a guy who worked at my dad’s company was murdered with his fiance in Jersey City.  They were both shot square in the head on the sidewalk in front of their home.  Execution style.  They’d just come home from their engagement party.  Two 19-year-old girls and one 19-year-old male were arrested.  The male was charged with three unrelated murders.

That, dear reader, is some low-down dirty shit.  Shit that’ll break your heart right in half.

When our canal systems swell with so much shit, it’s easy to go under.  But look at this bear.  Surrounded by all that is awful, he perseveres and floats on.  He looks to the sun and he smiles.

It’s a defiant smile that hints at insanity, but defiance and insanity are required in this modern century.  For without them, one could easily drown in despair.  The bear knows this.  And whenever I start to lose sight of it, I think of him, belly up and smiling.  He may be worse for the wear, this bear, but he’s still got a pulse and a smile.  They haven’t finished him yet.

It’s been a long time gone for Lucy the Blog.  But we return today with a fuzzy bear’s frame of mind.

Life is cruel.  Life is hard.  But above all, life is beautiful.  Smile at the sun.  Fight with defiance and insanity.  And keep floating through the shit.  There are no other options.

More to come.  But in the meantime, sing us home, Bruce.

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