The Sun Also Rises

May 8, 2009 at 11:25 pm | Posted in Evil Tribune, Lowell, Lowell Sun | Leave a comment
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Throughout its storied history, Lucy the Blog has taken some well-deserved shots at The Lowell Sun.

Isunlogot began nearly two years ago, on May 9, 2007, with our *NEPA award-winning evisceration of the paper’s plump n’ pasty editor, Jim Campanini.  Thanks to that fine piece of journalism, a basic Google search will now tell you all you need to know about this skeevy predator, who continues to embarrass his unfortunate staff on a semiregular basis.

Shortly thereafter, we exposed the Sun’s loathsome and underhanded efforts to intimidate and mislead American Idol voters, thus derailing the AI dreams of the dreamy Sanjaya Malakar.  Scoundrels!

Ultimately, it was not their chronic ineptitude or their flamboyantly whitebread columnists or their fabulous typos that caused us to give them the final gooseface by canceling our subscription.  It was the simple fact that they relied on 7-year-old children and drunken vagrants to deliver the paper in a timely fashion.  Some of my best friends are 7-year-old children and drunken vagrants.  But I would not ask them to deliver a newspaper on a daily basis.

Lately, however, I have been having a bit of a love affair with the paper, or at least my relationship with it.  Its faults remain, but I look forward to reading it, so that must count for something.  Of course, this is mostly due to my relatively recent commuter status.  Pricepoints and convenience go a long way, and the guy at the train station hands you the paper if you give him a quarter.  One Quarter.  I’m no economist, but that’s a good deal.  I can almost always find a quarter before leaving the house.  At the full cover price of 75 cents, I’d probably stop reading.  Or maybe I’d only buy it on Thursdays to torture myself with Lowellita’s column; just reading about one of her late-night romps a few weeks ago left me with a mild case of the crabs.

In any case, given our past criticism, it is only fair that we occassionally commend the paper’s editorial staff, most of whom perform a commendable job in a thankless industry that swallowed me whole and crushed my spirit in less than three years’ time, leaving me with little more than a heavy debt load and lingering animosity.

I loved reading the Sun this week.  In large part, this was because of events on the ground here in Lowell.  The reporters had a lot to cover, but they covered it.  And if they hadn’t, well…I guess these guys would have.  And these guys would have.  And in their own way, they would have and they would have too.  But they certainly wouldn’t have been able to alone, or at least not for any sustained period of time.  That’s why newspapers matter.

Photo by David H. Brow, Lowell Sun

Photo by David H. Brow, Lowell Sun

Because of the Sun, I know that cops arrested 22 drunk drivers in 3 hours at a Thorndike Street sobriety checkpoint.  Is that not insane?  These people should be executed immediately.  All of them.  Scary, scary shit.

I also learned about the United Teen Equality Center’s continued awesomeness.  They’re planning a $6.3 renovation to their facilities, which will hopefully get a boost from President Obama’s socialist pork funds.  As a result, UTEC will be able to serve even more kids and steer them from a life of hoodlum shenanigans.  Fuckin’ libruls!

(And speaking of this worthy organization, have you seen these lovely paintings of UTEC youths?  Why don’t you buy one of them, you cheap, selfish bastard?  Our family’s diapers, Perk Is A Beast t-shirts, and Budweiser drinks aren’t gonna pay for themselves, you know!!!)

I even saw a picture of an inflatable rat that marched right through my neighborhood!  How sweet is that?  I hadn’t seen an inflatable rat in ages, and I’ve long been a fan. In fact, my biggest regret from our failed union uprising at The Evil-Tribune was never getting a chance to use such a rat.  If we’d only broken one out, I’m sure we would have secured enough votes to organize and thus earn ourselves years and years of agony at the bargaining table.  Also, we might have won if our editors hadn’t been such lying cunts.  That would have helped, too.

Today alone, The Sun had some great stuff.  Police are investigating longtime Lowell School Committee member Regina Faticanti for allegedly making threats over the phone to Superintendent Chris Scott.  So silly!  Don’t hate Chris ‘cus she’s beautiful, Regina!  And don’t be such an enormous raving bitch – or an alleged enormous raving bitch – that someone feels the need to retain a lawyer and have you investigated.  Especially if that someone is the Superintendent.  Whose lawyer is being paid for by the city.  With a school budget deficit estimated at $4 to $8 million dollars.  What could this Faticanti lunatic have said to warrant such drastic measures?  It boggles the mind.

Also today, Dennis Shaughnessey wrote a nice little piece about local students at a summer job fair.  Shaughnessey is the best thing going at The Sun, aside from Gourmet Gal.  He’s a hardcore newspaper man – both a columnist and a reporter – and he always paints a nice little picture of whatever he’s covering.  Very detail oriented, good color.  I like that.  But he should change his columnist photo.  I mean, come on dude.  The jacket over the shoulder?  Why don’t you just go all in and put a fedora on your head with a press badge sticking out of it?  That headshot withstanding, Lucy the Dog salutes you.

dennisWe also salute assistant managing editor Kris Pisarik, who compiles the “Helping Hands” column every Friday.  I love that column.  Today, I learned that local blind children will spend tomorrow working downtown to help beautify the city.  Specifically, they will be “the first disability organization to help plant flowers in [a] handicapped-accessible garden, providing an aesthetically pleasing environment for this public, first-of-its- kind planter in Lowell.”  That’s just super, I say.

And finally, the paper’s editorial page featured a simple cartoon paying tribute to retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter.  It was drawn by the brilliant Dave Granlund, who Lucy the Dog worked with as an intern at MetroWest Daily News.  Granlund was the victim of cutbacks at the News, which, as I mentioned in this post, was something of a tragedy.

But I’m glad that Dave is surviving in syndication because the world needs Dave Granlunds, as it needs Kris Pisariks and Gourmet Gals and Dennis Shaughnesseys.  Without newspapers, there are no Left in Lowells or Huffington Posts or network news broadcasts. 

So hopefully, the well-paid dolts atop our nations’ mastheads will figure out how to survive their industry-wide death spiral.  Sadly, I suspect it’s too late.

*No awards have actually been won by Lucy the Dog, though I did recently call into WWOZ and win a pair of tickets to see Jon Cleary in New Orleans.  I couldn’t use them, but I felt like a winner nonetheless.

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