Sweaty Men in Unitards

April 30, 2008 at 8:37 pm | Posted in Video | 6 Comments
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Yesterday’s filler post about Hulk Hogan got Lucy the Dog to reminiscing about professional wrestling. 

Even though watching the WWF was strictly forbidden in our home, I spent many hours as a young pup sitting in front of the muted television with one finger on the channel button, poised to switch to more wholesome programming in the event that my no-good parents entered the room.

So here, for no particular reason, is Lucy the Blog’s list of our 15 favorite wrestlers of all-time.  Yeah.

(15)  Barry O – These days, the premier wrestlers appear on television at least once a week.  But back in the 80s, you rarely saw a Hulk Hogan type in action unless it was pay per view or Saturday Night’s Main Event.  Instead, you got lots of Barry O.  When introduced in the ring, Barry O would kneel down on one knee and raise his arms in the shape of an O.  Because his name is Barry O. 

Barry O was later blackballed from wrestling after publicly supporting claims that ring boys had been sexually harrassed by WWF higher-ups.  He would eventually back off those statements, admitting he had “a sour grape or two to grind.”  Then he did lots of crystal meth and became Barrymore Barlow.  It’s much harder to make a B shape above your head.

(14)  Hacksaw Jim Duggan – You might be surprised to learn that Hacksaw Jim Duggan is STILL wrestling in the WWE (formerly the WWF).  He carries a piece of wood wherever he goes, and he was once arrested in New Jersey for driving a car while under the influence of the marijuana drug with the Iron Sheik.  Consorting with a known Islamofacist tainted Duggan’s reputation as a true American patriot, and he also got kidney cancer.  All because he smoked pot.  It’s not worth it, kids.  Be above the influence.

(13)  Earthquake – I actually don’t remember this guy, but I stumbled upon the above picture of him and it’s awesome.  According to Wikipedia, Earthquake later wrestled as “The Shark”.  In time, he shed that character, famously saying “I’m not a fish.  I’m a man.”  Now he’s dead.

(12)  Leaping Lanny Poffo – Also known as “The Wrestling Poet,” Poffo is actually the real-life brother of Randy “Macho Man” Savage.  Though he lacked Savage’s skill and sexual prowess, Poffo thrilled crowds by reading poems that he wrote on frisbees.

Following his retirement, Poffo championed the fruity anti-smoking cause, employing his gifts as a wordsmith in the 2004 book “Limericks from the Heart (and Lungs!)”.  Here is one of the book’s 355 limericks:

Mother Hubbard lived sadly alone
Except for her dog with that bone.
She smoked on the road
And in her abode
Which reeked like the cheapest cologne.

(11)  Andy Kaufman – “You might be twice as big as me, but I’ve wrestled women that are twice as big as me.  And I’ve mopped the floor with ’em!”

(10)   The Godfather – In the early 2000s, after years away from wrestling, I started watching WWE’s Monday Night Raw.  This may have been a delayed act of rebellion against my parents.  Or it may have been because I was frequently high on Monday nights in the early 2000s.  In any case, The Godfather was a pimp character who arrived in the ring followed by a handful of strippers called his “Ho Train”.  He would often open his matches by imploring the audience to “roll a big fatty for this pimp daddy”.  I ate a lot of Stouffer’s Macaroni and Cheese back then.

(9)  Ricky the Dragon Steamboat – This guy was my favorite wrestler.  He was pensive and Asian.  That’s all I have to say about that.

(8)  The Bushwackers – You probably think The Bushwackers were Australian just because they licked each others’ heads and often wore Earth tones.  But you are wrong.  They’re from New Zealand.

(7)  Mark Henry, Sexual Chocolate – I met Mark Henry during a family vacation to Colorado Springs, where he was training for the 1992 Olympics.  He was a power-lifter, and neither of us had any idea that he would one day be a WWE star and knock up the buxom Mae Young.  Life’s funny that way.

(6)  Randy “Macho Man” Savage – Even more scandalous than the Henry-Young affair was the much-rumored real-life tryst between Savage and Stephanie McMahon.  Apparently when the boss’s daughter was still in her early teens, Savage deflowered her, according to several poorly-designed websites that I just wasted 20 minutes sifting through.  Having fallen out of favor with the WWE, Savage became the leading spokesman for Slim Jim beef jerky and released a rap album called “Be a Man” in 2003.

(5)  Koko B. Ware – The wrestling world is filled with tragic stories of athletes dying young.  Koko B. Ware was a fun-loving, high-flying wrestler who was accompanied to the ring by his pet macaw named Frankie.  Sadly, Frankie died in a house fire in 2001 while Koko was at church.  Thanks a lot, Jesus.  Sometimes you can be a real dick.

(4)  Kamala the Ugandan Giant – Believe it or not, of all the Ugandan giants, Kamala is the only one to have his own website that sells childproof spears, jungle skirts, and an album of R&B hits titled “The Best of Kamala Vol. 1”.  We call this progress?

(3)  George “The Animal” Steele – This guy was the best.  He used to lumber around the ring like a mental patient, eating turnbuckles and stalking Miss Elizabeth with his green tongue.  Now he’s a Christian motivational speaker.  Make of that what you will.

(2)  Rikishi aka Junior Fatu – This Samoan warrior fulfills the latent homoerotic fantasies of wrestling fans worldwide by polishing off his opponents with the Stink Face, whereby he smothers his foe using his sizable buttocks.  The Stink Face is arguably the gayest finishing move ever, second perhaps only to the Bronco Buster, in which you dry hump your opponent’s face.

(1)  The Iron Sheik – It’s a long road from WWF Heavyweight Champion to Howard Stern Wack Packer.  But few have walked that road with more grace, dignity, anti-semitism, and ass-fucking than the Sheik.  “Besides that, everything was great.”

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6 Comments »

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  1. WTF? Andy Kaufman is 11th on your precious little list? (Note to Pax: That’s definition #3). Kaufman is the world’s all-time greatest pro wrestler, who took the “sport” to it’s greatest limits. Any assertion otherwise is the rankest form of crazy-ass silly, you stupid dog.

  2. i should’ve mentioned they were in no particular order. kaufman would definitely rank higher than 11.

  3. My personal favorite: Akeem the African Dream. When they introduced him, they made sure he was referred to as being from “the deepest darkest jungles of Africa.” He strutted into the ring like the cock of the walk.

    Oh, yeah. And he was white.

  4. Andy Kaufman was great as Balki Bartokomus.

  5. What about tag teams? This is the kind of shit I love reading. Barry O was the best. He never won. He never, ever won. Me and my brother would always do the “Barry-O” announcement with the ring announcer.

    And what about:

    Rowdy Roddy Piper – spastic and best post wrestling movie ever — they live.
    Jake The Snake — Best closing move ever.The DDT.
    Brutus the Barber Beefcake — he shaved heads and the sleeper hold
    Superfly Snuka — high flying..

    And managers:
    Slick
    Bobby the Brain
    Jimmy Hart
    Freddie Blassie…

    Give me more dude. More.

  6. […] Lucy the Blog started this with a kick ass retrospective on her fifteen favorite wrestlers, including the great Barry-O. […]


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