Death to America: Yes We Can, My Ass

February 6, 2008 at 8:04 am | Posted in America, Lowell, New Orleans | 17 Comments
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ED. NOTE:  To provide some context, this post was written as Massachusetts, New Jersey, and New York fell.  It was also written in the wake of watching a Lowell City Council hearing that absolutely blew my mind.  The ignorance, ineptitude, and general douchebaggery among this city’s political leaders is staggering.

So I was pretty angry.  And I am pretty angry.  But the Wednesday morning pundits say Obama is hanging in there and I shouldn’t be discouraged.  Unfortunately, I don’t believe them.

headexplodebig.gifDear America:

I’ve had it. Fuck all of you.

Let me recap things since it doesn’t seem to be getting through your thick-ass skulls.

In 1988, we elected this guy George H.W. Bush to be president. Four years later, we elected another guy, Bill Clinton. He was president for eight years. Then we elected George Bush’s son, George W. Bush. He was president for another eight years.

And now, it looks like we’re angling to elect Bill Clinton’s wife, Hillary.

So in summation, we have gone from the already depressing and limited two-party system to a two-FAMILY system. It’s a stunning development, really. I’m stunned.

And it’s all because of you and your stupid goddamn stupidity, America. I’ve totally fucking had it.

And the worst thing of all, I may well end up voting in November for the FIRST candidate I gave the gooseface to, John McCain. And I can’t fucking STAND John McCain.

But I will not fill in that scantron ballot for a Bush or a Clinton. I’ll vote for Jonothan the Impaler before I support this idiotic, perverse family tradeoff. I don’t care if Hillary can erase the deficit with one swift fart or cure cancer with a fancy song-and-dance number. I cannot be convinced that this is any way for a country to move forward. Enough, already. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN CLINTONS AND BUSHES!!!! ANYTHING WOULD BE BETTER!!! DON’T YOU FUCKING GET IT????

And I will never call this the greatest country on Earth again. I’m sick of trying to make myself believe that. I’ve only been to Canada and Italy, but I’m sure there’s something better out there. There’s just got to be. Maybe I’ll move to New Orleans since America seems to have disowned them.

But I’ve totally had it. Fuck all of you. Especially you Clinton-loving swine in New York and my former home state of New Jersey.  And lest I forget my current home state of Massachusetts, where the election was called about three minutes after polls closed.  Obama got smoked!  Thanks, Fathead Ted.

I never imagined I’d see Southerners display better judgment than those of us in the northeast.  I feel nauseas.

Did I mention fuck you? Well just in case I didn’t, fuck you.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: And don’t tell me it’s not over yet. Take your delegate math and cram it. She’s getting the nomination and that’s that. It’s over, Johnny.

UPDATE: It’s 10:42 PM now, and Obama has picked up a couple more states. But I’m still fucking pissed. I just don’t see him catching her.

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17 Comments »

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  1. Not my fault.

    Also, Mass went for Romney as well. So I guess that tells us something. Or not.

  2. That’s a surprisingly inept analysis of last night.

    First of all, Obama won the delegate count.

    Secondly, he won every small state and every state that is not entrenched with traditional democrats.

    Third, Ted Kennedy’s and John Kerry’s endorsements don’t mean anything in Massachusetts. Look, we vote for them but most people in this state hate those guys.

    Fourth, two weeks ago this would have been a resounding victory for Obama. It was supposed to be over last night. Instead we move on to smaller contests where Obama can leverage his grassroots campaign strategy.

    Fifth, it’s currently a tie going into the home stretch. Obama has the fundraising advantage and most of those donors haven’t given the maximum alloted donation. Also, Obama wins all the affluent and educated communities like Wellesley, Cambridge, Brookline, Newton and Lincoln. There’s DEEP pockets in there. Using that money in smaller races Obama can flood the television zone and set up a more aggressive ground campaign.

    Sixth, He will win either Maryland or Virginia.

    Seventh, stop whining like a little bitch. You want to him to win then go out there and volunteer for the guy. This shit ain’t even close to over. In fact, it just started.

    Fuck man.

  3. That was not intended as analysis. We don’t do analysis here.

    And I suppose you think we still have a shot at winning the union election, too.

    News flash: The features department is not a 1. There are no 1’s. And evil and stupidity will always reign supreme.

  4. And furthermore, my frustration is largely due to the fact that she’s even got to this point. It simply boggles my mind that people didn’t acknowledge months ago that four terms of two families is just too much – years ago for that matter, since it’s long been known that she’d run.

    I just can’t comprehend how the system got this fucked that we’re immersed in these two families. I DON’T GET IT.

  5. your pessimism astounds me. you sound more and more like your mother with each passing day. if i wanted to marry ruth, i would’ve asked her. get it together eyore.

  6. and lastly…

    as for volunteering, i DID personally contact people i knew in the states that voted yesterday. but i’m not going to go to a phone bank or hold a sign because i fail to see how that’s effective. and i’m not giving money because i don’t have any.

    if you’re not pessimistic, you’re not paying attention.

  7. “your pessimism astounds me.”

    this is precious coming from someone who was bemoaning how cold canada is last night.

  8. THEY WERE 1’s….They signed cards. How does that not make them 1’s?

  9. Hillary Clinton is one of the toughest politicians in the business man. She was never going to go quietly into that good night. Never. Never. Never. Obama has to make his play in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Wisconsin, Washington state and Indiana.

  10. Why are you watching Lowell city council meetings? Is this what happens when you quit getting small and don’t have cable? I’m scared. Shouldn’t you be editing certain sure fire television hits?

  11. I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!

  12. if you vote for McCain, i’ll punch you in the throat. i agree with yourwife, if i wanted to marry Ruth, i would’ve asked her too.

  13. I feel your pain. If Clinton is nominated I am moving to Canada.

  14. thank you, eyore. you are my only friend.

  15. I think your dad would make a terrible president.

  16. […] started with my online meltdown on Mediocre Tuesday, where I exposed myself as too dumb to even understand if Obama or Hillary were winning.  Or if anyone was winning.  On […]

  17. […] Most Embarrassing Post in Hindsight:  Death to America: Yes We Can, My Ass  […]


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