The Case For Pessimism

November 22, 2007 at 1:50 am | Posted in America, Sports, TV, Video | 5 Comments

bluth.jpgAs I continue to enjoy the third issue of Rolling Stone’s 40th anniversary, I’m amazed by how many of the interview subjects claim to be “optimistic” about the future. 

My only optimism for the future lies in the fact that I’m quite certain the world will end in the next 40 years.  And that certainty allows me to feel OK about the fact that I’ve made minimal progress in my life.  Nothing I do will matter much in the long run or even the medium run.  So I can pretty much just sit around licking my crotch and smoking dope with my headphones on.  And that’s obviously something to be optimistic about.

But as for a ‘positive’ future for the world, I’m pessimistic.  Among RS’s self-proclaimed optimists are Al Gore, Craig Venter (genetics pioneer, duh), Dave Matthews, Jon Stewart, Dave Eggers, Jane Goodall, and Bill Gates.  Bono gives an inconclusive answer, and Kanye West claims to be “optimistic about everything,” saying he sometimes even ventures from “optimistic” to the stratosphere of “borderline delusional.”

Eli Pariser, executive director of had this to say:

“My optimism is based on the idea that we can act together intelligently.”

That quote jumped off the page for me, since I would suggest that basing optimism or anything on mankind’s intelligence is a risky proposition.

Perhaps Eli Pariser is not aware that since 8 o’clock this morning (it’s 3 p.m. right now), nearly 200 Red Sox fans have gone out of their way to post gushing, ball-washing thanks to Mike Lowell for graciously aggreeing to a three-year $37 million contract.  How big of him to settle for a modest $37 mill and pass up a potential four-year deal elsewhere.  The over-the-top thanks and praise is well deserved.

Exhibit A:  Morons thank Lowell on Captain Jowel’s web site

Is Eli Pariser also unaware that America isn’t even smart enough to watch “Arrested Development”?  How many years of Bluth hilarity did the doltish majority take from us, just so they could watch “The Bachelor” or “Everybody Loves Raymond”?  If we can’t even have enough sense to keep AD on the air, how will we ever solve global warming?

Exhibit B:  The cancellation of “Arrested Development”

And finally, has Eli Pariser ever ventured to his local Wal-Mart on Black Friday?  I suspect he has, knowing how much that communist move-on crowd loves the big box stores. 

But if not, and if he’s reading, I suggest that Pariser take a trip this Friday.  There, he’ll surely see some real folks acting together intelligently.  And if he can still be optimistic about our future as he’s trampled by the masses, then all power to him. 

Exhibit C:  Happy Thanksgiving:



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  1. Great. My turkey just killed itself thanks to you. Happy Thanksgiving.

  2. I am optimistic. Optimistic for the getaway in December.

    Davin’s doctor just called. Davin has Gonorrhea of the Face.

  3. From all the face fucking, no doubt.

  4. More troubling is news that Davin’s turkey was also diagnosed with gonorrhea. Let us hope that this time, at least, he removed the giblets.

    I like posting five days late. I feel strangely superior.

  5. Nothing better than bag-baked giblets.

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