20 Things I Hate About the 2007 Red Sox

October 25, 2007 at 6:13 pm | Posted in Sports, Yankees | 10 Comments

redsoxfan.jpgSome readers of this list might conclude that I’m just jealous and this is nothing more than petty, bitter, sour grapes because the Yankees failed miserably in yet another postseason.  Those readers are absolutely, 100 percent correct.

So without further ado…

1.  Curt Schilling’s fat, pasty jowels and face.  I hate it when it’s got that gross 5 o’clock shadow and I hate it when it’s clean shaven.  I hate when he prays at the pitcher’s mound before the game.  I hate when he takes notes in his Mead Trapper Keeper.  I hate his world-weary morning voice when he calls into the Dennis and Callahan show.  I’m sure his breath stinks.

2.  Jacoby Ellsbury.  Holaucast denier.

3.  The relief corps percussion group.  Fox loves showing those guys whack water bottles against the bullpen ceiling.  I hate that.

4.  Maria Stephanos and all other pink-hatted local newsmen and newswomen.  I’m pretty sure this is a unique phenomenon here in Greater Boston, but our baseball team DOMINATES television news coverage when it’s successful.  And the coverage is so friggin’ gay.  Red Sox Nation is gearing up blah blah blah.  Red Sox Nation is celebrating again blah blah blah.  Red Sox Nation still believes blah blah blah. 

I also hate Maria Stephanos for giving me crabs.

5.  Red Sox Nation.  Retards.

6.  Josh Beckett’s smirk when he walks off the mound.  I also hate him for being from Texas.  Because I hate Texas.

maria.jpg7.  Kevin Youkilis’s constipated batting stance.  Especially when it makes baseballs go really far into places where outfielders are not positioned.  I especially hate that.

8.  Dustin Pedroia’s hair and height.  If I saw him out at Game On! sports bar, I’d be like, “Hey Dustin Pedroia.  You may be a World Series champion and rookie of the year and Red Sox Nation hero.  And I may be an underemployed loser with enormous debt and bleak prospects.  But I have a full head of hair and a  good nine inches on you!”  Then he’d cry and I’d ask him for an autograph because my dad loves Dustin Pedroia.  I hate that my dad loves Dustin Pedroia.

9.  Red Sox luck.  No friggin’ midges.  Garrett Anderson’s conjunctivitis.  The bullshit Angels minor league squad.  Carmona and Sebathia crapping the bed.  Lofton held at third.  They’re the worst World Series champs since the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals.

10.  Jason Veritek’s socks.  I also hate the way Jason Veritek sprints to first base when he walks.  And that big C on his chest.

schilling.jpg11.  Wally the Green Monster.  Arsonist.

12.  Sweet Caroline, the Dropkick Murphies, and Tess.  I don’t even know what Tess is.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard it.  But I hate it.  And I hate the Dropkick Murphies for being the unofficial house band at Fenway.  Even though I don’t even know who the Dropkick Murphies are or a single song they play.  I hate anything I don’t understand, like ethnic minorities.

13.  Mike Timlin.  I hate his Bible and I hate his camouflage undershirts.

14.  The ‘Jonathan Papelbon is so wacky’ narrative.  I actually love Papelbon as a pitcher.  He’s badass.  But I hate how Stephanos and her cohorts act like that Papelbon’s soooo quirky and nutty because he dances in his spandex with a case of beer on his head.  What a wacko!  Don’t ya just love him, Boston?  This ‘wacky athlete’ narrative emerges anytime one of these overpaid bores displays even a hint of personality.  The truth is, there’s nothing particularly wacky about Jonathan Papelbon.  In fact, on any given Thirsty Thursday 2 to 3,000 drunk undergrads in Greater Boston are doing the exact same shit.

15.  The rapidly deteriorating ‘JD Drew is a disaster’ narrative.  I loved that one.  But it’s quickly fading.  And I hate that.

16.  Red Sox Nation presidency.  It hurts when your team does some really lame, embarrassing shit.  And I cannot imagine there’s any real Sox fan who doesn’t think this marketing gimmick was anying less than shameful.  Dr. Charles Steinberg and Larry Lucchino are blood-sucking swine.

17.  Coco Crisp and Chris Collins (NECN sports commentator).  There’s no relation between the two except that both their initials are CC and I hate them both for no particular reason. 

chriscollins.jpg18.  Theo.  Self-righteous turd.  Doesn’t support the troops.

19.  The Jimmy Fund.  I hate all charities that help little kids with cancer.

20.  My inability to hate Mike Lowell, David Ortiz, Terry Francona, Dice-K, Papelbon, or Manny Ramirez.

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10 Comments »

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  1. Hilarious! Thank you for the laffs. You can add another: I hate it when they pummel, humiliate and abuse a nice little small-money team like the Colorado Rockies. What brutes!

  2. I hate it when second-rate AAA+ teams make it to The Show only to have their fans whine about salaries. I suppose they hit to their pay grade, huh?

  3. Fair bit of spurned fan ranting.

    Counterpoint: If I hear one more goddamn story about overrated fatty Joba Chamberlain’s wheelchair-bound father, I’m going to roll Chris Connelly onto I-95 in a truck tire.

  4. […] hand threatened to unionize if he didn’t cool it with the Cinemax, so Lucy came back with an uproariously self-pitying post about how Red Sox fans are retards. As if they didn’t […]

  5. It should be noted that a lot of Sox fans hate a good portion of what you wrote (namely most marketing stuff, anything Red Sox Nation-related, and a lot of media coverage of the Sox). Awesome job though.

  6. […] Lucy the Blog is back with a terrific and hate filled diatribe against the Boston Red Sox. A stalwart Yankee lover Lucy’s fur is in a bunch having to watch her hated rivals hoist another trophy from her dog house in Lowell. Here’s a couple reasons: 1. Curt Schilling’s fat, pasty jowels and face. I hate it when it’s got that gross 5 o’clock shadow and I hate it when it’s clean shaven. I hate when he prays at the pitcher’s mound before the game. I hate when he takes notes in his Mead Trapper Keeper. I hate his world-weary morning voice when he calls into the Dennis and Callahan show. I’m sure his breath stinks. 8. Dustin Pedroia’s hair and height. If I saw him out at Game On! sports bar, I’d be like, “Hey Dustin Pedroia. You may be a World Series champion and rookie of the year and Red Sox Nation hero. And I may be an underemployed loser with enormous debt and bleak prospects. But I have a full head of hair and a good nine inches on you!” Then he’d cry and I’d ask him for an autograph because my dad loves Dustin Pedroia. I hate that my dad loves Dustin Pedroia. Let Lucy know what you think, she always loves to get letters. […]

  7. Personally I have no idea how the Dropkick Murphy’s became Boston’s official band and I don’t like it one bit.

  8. Stop picking on bald/balding people, you hirsute dick.

  9. Stop fucking on Boston you nasty skankees fan. I hope a little kid with cancer slaps the shit outta you.

  10. go die in a burning holeand lucys ugly


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