Salacious Valley Patriot Blind Item Is Totally Salacious, Eh

August 8, 2007 at 1:07 am | Posted in Evil Tribune | 8 Comments

While perusing through the August edition of The Valley Patriot, I stumbled upon this titillating shot across the bow from Merrimack Valley tabloid provocateur Tommy Duggan.

In a Notebook item called “Let’s Keep It Clean”, Duggan warns the editorial staff of The Eagle-Tribune to stay out of political candidates’ personal lives, lest their own skeletons be dragged from the closet. 

Duggan writes:

canada.jpg“If you cross the line again by writing about people’s personal lives when it has nothing to do with their abilities to do the job they are running for (or doing), I will unleash a series of stories about the backgrounds and personal lives of certain people at the Eagle Tribune, including arrest records, divorce records and a very unpleasant story about Canada.”

CANADA???  Do tell!

While it’s long been rumored that departed publisher Richard Franks sired a bastard child with Canuk folk singer Gordon Lightfoot*, Franks was kicked to the curb months ago, and Duggan’s item does not mention former employees.  Any Valley Patriot reader knows Duggan is a stickler for precision and accuracy, so surely this would have been noted.

Thus, I am left to wonder.  What could the unpleasant story about Canada be?  I know this Scandanavian doofus who used to traffic pirated DVD’s and fireworks north of the border, but again, he is a former Tribune employee so he would not apply.

For now, we can only speculate.  And we encourage you to join us in reckless, slanderous speculation in the comments section.

But goddamn you, Tommy Duggan, you have done it again.  From the edge of our seats, your readers await.  Breathlessly.

*This rumor was actually started by Lucy the Dog, just this very moment.  To the best of our knowledge, it carries no truth whatsoever.

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8 Comments »

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  1. Uh-huh-huh-huh. He said titillating. Huh-huh-huh.

    I tend to doubt Tommy’s got anything, because as any geography major can tell you, Canada exists outside the ET coverage area. Therefore no high-ranking ET employee has ever been there.

  2. I understand that more than a few current employees are practicing Catholics.

  3. this one time at band camp in Canada I stuck a hot dog up my own ass.

  4. I’m not going to debate Tommy Duggan. I’m going to debate foods that I can stick up my own ass.

  5. First off, Tommy Duggan can write whatever the F he wants about Canada. Canadians don’t give two shits about him. I should know. I am one myself and I can speak on behalf of all Canadians. Secondly, does anyone really give a rats ass about Tommy Duggan? In all honesty, the world is much more interested in the real Duggan…Hacksaw Jim. Now, there’s a true American patriot. Where is that dude anyways? No more thumbs ups and dropping 2x4s on Nikolai Vokoff’s head? Hoooooooooooo!

  6. […] to Comments While the former Abercrombie & Fitch managers at Lucy the Blog breathlessly await details of the salacious insinuations of Canadia-based tomfoolery on the part of […]

  7. You know what’s funny about that? When I confront the little shit-stink lizard at City Hall, he won’t even have the balls to admit he did it. You know what I mean? He’ll act like my best friend. But don’t piss down my back and tell me it’s raining!

  8. I just ignore it. I just ignore it, you know. It’s like, if HE THINKS HE CAN GET A RISE OUT OF ME, HE’S JUST WRONG. So I just ignore it. I don’t even give that guy a second thought. WHAT AN ASSHOLE THAT GUY IS! ARE YOU KIDDING ME, WHAT AN ASSHOLE THAT LITTLE JERK IS. I WILL PUT HIS BALLS IN A BLENDER AND RUN THAT LITTLE SHIT OVER WITH MY CAR, HE’S SUCH A LOSER. I just ignore him. It’s best just to ignore it.


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