Blah Blah Blah Religion Irritates Lucy the Dog Blah Blah Blah

July 10, 2007 at 7:09 pm | Posted in America, Jesus Christ!, Lowell, Lowell Sun | 3 Comments

clintonpray.jpgAccording to a recent Zogby poll, Lucy the Blog receives more than 1,400 hits a day from readers who claim to be “really into God and shit.” 

But at the risk of alienating that segment of our audience, please humor me while I whine yet again about religiosity.  I know it gets old, but I just can’t help it.  This God guy totally gets my goat!

The Lowell Sun recently published a tedious centerpiece on its front page, titled: “Faith and the 5th.”  

Beyond its existence, I guess there’s nothing particularly offensive about the content, aside from the nauseating photo that accompanies the package: a soft-focus shot of a rainbow over a hillside, with headshots of the 5th district Congressional candidates.  (For one of the poor saps, they actually used a picture where his eyes are closed!

The sub-head for the Sun story is a reassuring pat on the back for panicked voters who are worried that Marty Meehan’s replacement might be some heathen <gasp> non-believer. 

For the rest of is, it’s just another kick in the nuts.  “Many backgrounds, but one thing in common: Religion matters.”  Phew!

The article opens like a bad “walk into a bar” joke.

“Protestant, Catholic and Jew alike, they all say faith has shaped them.”  

The next paragraph says, “In the 5th, most candidates cite a home church but say they don’t get there as often as they’d like.” 

What a surprise.  The actual practice of religion can be such an inconvenience – yaknow, following the rules and setting aside life’s complications to actually get to church.  I should know, goddammit; I followed those stupid rules and got dragged to church every Sunday.  And back then, it was a real pain in the ass.  We even had to wear nice clothes!  Nowadays when I get dragged to mass with my in-laws, half the congregation looks like hobos.  God forbid anyone make the effort of finding something in the closet other than a pair of jeans.  You wouldn’t want to actually go out of your way for God.georgejesus.jpg

Anyway, the article goes on to present the requisite quote from each of the 10 candidates.“Faith doesn’t just play a large part in my life,” says Kevin Thompson, a Consitution Party candidate from Brockton. “It defines who I am.”  How cute.

Tom Tierney, a Republican from Framingham calls himself, “a practicing Roman Catholic, but I’m not sure how doctrinal.” 

Tierney says:“The two most important questions are, do you believe in a supreme being and are you your brother’s keeper?  If you can answer those, the rest of the politics fall into place.”  Really?

Again, there is nothing outrageous about any of this.  And I realize I’m beating a dead horse by constantly berating religion.  If it weren’t for the insinuations of that hideous rainbow – fear not reader, God will still guide our next leader; doesn’t this rainbow make you feel happy? – I probably would have ignored the story altogether.

But it seems like you can’t leave the house without someone shoving their Jesus shit down your throat.  The New York Times just ran a story called “Faith Intertwines with Political Life for Clinton” about how Hilary’s God-love will influence her candidacy. 

The Lowell City Council still says their lame prayer

And last night Louisiana senator David Vitter apologized for the “very serious sin” of nailing whores, saying, “Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling.  Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there — with God and them.”

I have no real point to this post.  So in conclusion, I will simply say, on behalf of the downtrodden community who maybe believes in some higher being, but has no real idea of what’s going on, and just tries to live day-to-day doing the right thing: WHO CARES???  YOU ARE ALL FULL OF CRAP!!!

Thank you.

ED. NOTE: I wanted to post a YouTube clip here of Tyra Banks giving her trademark “Who cares!” exclamation, but I couldn’t find one.  So instead, here’s Tyra Banks telling you to kiss her fat ass.



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  1. Tyra is so hot. Jesus is so not.

  2. The Tyra Bank show is a fine program. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I watch it with my parole officer, Steve.

  3. Christopher Hitchens wants you to get your own dead horse. He’s currently beating the last crumpled dollar out of this one’s dead ass.

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