Republican Primary Debate Report Card

June 6, 2007 at 6:41 pm | Posted in America | 2 Comments

It’s tough to get too worked up about the presidential race.  But when you only have five television channels, your viewing options are limited.  Thus I found myself settling on the Republican presidential debate last night.

Wolf Blitzer moderated, opening with an interminable explanation of the rules for the event, which was held at St. Anselem’s in Manchester, NH.  Then he asked each candidate to briefly introduce themselves, and gave a sample intro of: “I’m Wolf Blitzer and I’m with CNN.” 

So, much like we did with our I-Man Report Cards, here’s a grade for all ten candidates, along with their intro and an assessment of their performance.  (Ed. Note: All grades are based on a generous curve.  And I only watched the first 15 minutes.)



Rep. Tom Tancredo:  Hi.  I’m Tom Tancredo. I’m a member of Congress, have been for 10 years. Thank you for letting me join you here this evening.  

Rep. Tancredo was first in line, and by the time Wolf returned to him, even the sound guy had forgotten he was there, neglecting to turn on his microphone.  He might as well have left it off, as Tancredo proceeded to condemn the Iraqis for bungling this lovely gift we’ve handed them.

“We have given you this,” he said of their newfound independence. “We bought it with our blood and sweat.  It is now up to you to keep it.”

Seriously, what the fuck, Iraqis?  We invade your country for no good reason with no good plan.  We unleash chaos and violence that will last for decades.  And all you can do is complain?!?  Look at this ungrateful little girl with the stitches all over her face.  Doesn’t she know Saddam is gone?  Buck up, kiddo, those stitches are the seeds of democracy!  And check out that pile of rubble!  American children would love to play in a pile of rubble like that.  Yet all this girl can do is mope.  Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth! 

iraqigirl.jpgEven though I’d long tuned out by then, Tancredo gets the highest grade for saying that in a Tancredo administration, Bush will “never darken the doorstep” of the White House.  I’m pretty sure Bush has nothing to worry about there, as the Tancredo campaign has yet to set the nation on fire.


Rep. Duncan Hunter:  I’m Duncan Hunter, four years chairman of the Armed Services Committee and in Congress 26 years. And I stand for a strong national defense, an enforceable border, bringing back American jobs. 

Jim Gilmore:  I’m Jim Gilmore, the former governor of the Commonwealth of Virginia, former chairman of the National Commission for the United States Government on Terrorism and Weapons of Mass Destruction.

Mike Huckabee:  I’m Mike Huckabee. For 10 and a half years, I was governor of Arkansas. I’m from the small town of Hope. You may have heard of it. All I ask you is, give us one more chance.

Jim, Mike, and Duncan.  Three average white guys.  You could’ve pulled any screaming Dad off the sidelines of a soccer field and I wouldn’t have known the difference.  And average white guys deserve the most average of grades, a fat round C.  (By the way, I can make fun of average white guys because I am one.  It’s different when we use it.  You wouldn’t understand.  You haven’t lived our pain.)

I’ve always thought I supported opening political races to as many people as possible.  But maybe I’m not.  What’s the play for these non-descript wannabes?  What’s their motivation?  It seems like an awfully big waste of money.

But we did get one moment of clairvoyance, courtesy of Gilmore, who gave the kind of insight enjoyed only by high-level Chairmen of the National Commission for the United States Government on Terrorism and Weapons of Mass Destruction.  (You  probably know it better as NCUSGTWS.) 

“There is a giant danger of the Middle East becoming an unstable place,” he said.  Provocative, you say?  Indeed.  But Lucy the Dog will not be duped, and I intend to scour the search engines this morning to see if there’s really any truth to this prediction.  So stay tuned, readers.


Tommy Thompson:  My name is Thompson, Tommy.  I’m the candidate, not the actor.  I was governor for 14 years and secretary for Health and Human Services in Bush’s Cabinet.

thompson.jpgThompson is the candidate who makes me most happy that I can’t afford a fancy television with HD.  Not only is he totally fugly, but what’s he so pissed about?  He was yelling the whole time and seemed quite imbalanced.  Hardly someone I’d want in control of health and human services.  I feel like he’d yell at me and send me to the back of the class if I told him I had a tummy ache.  Unimpressive.

As a sidenote, he alluded to Fred Thompson in his intro.  I don’t get the fascination with this old coot.  It reminds me of the way we Yankee fans have pinned our hopes on the arrival of Roger Clemens, another pudgy, past-his-prime blowhard with a hot wife who is unlikely to right a fast-sinking ship.  It’s tough times in the GOP and the Bronx.

(Thompson pictured at right, though noticing this may turn viewer to stone.) 


Sen. Sam Brownback:  I’m Sam Brownback. I was raised on a farm near Parker, Kansas. My wife, Mary, and I have five children. We live in Topeka. I’m a U.S. senator in my third term.  

Brownback winces a lot, like he smells one o’ them queers nearby.  He is very dull.  But he has a plan for Iraq that will fix everything.  So huddle up.  Here’s what we’re gonna do.

“We’ve got to put forward a political plan.  And that’s something I’m going to introduce tomorrow, a political plan to create a three-state solution in Iraq — a Kurdish state, a Sunni state, a Shi’a state — because Iraq is more three groups held together by exterior forces.”

How has no one thought of this yet?  Anyone can nation build.  But we’re not just anyone.  We’re America!  And Americans should set our sights higher.  We should nations build.  Instead of constructing one functional, peaceful, stable country, we’ll construct three!  It’s so crazy it just…might…work.

But it probably won’t.

Rep. Ron Paul: I’m Ron Paul. I’m a congressman from Texas, serving in my 10th term. I am the champion of the Constitution.

I vaguely follow professional basketball, and for months I kept hearing about this Chris Paul guy before I ever saw who he was.  Likewise, I vaguely follow R&B and hip-hop, and for months I kept hearing about Sean Paul before I ever heard him.

There must be something about these Pauls with monosyllabic first names.  Because I vaguely follow politics and I’ve been hearing about Ron Paul for a while, mostly from Andrew Sullivan.  But I had no idea who he was until yesterday. 

While I was impressed by his concrete objections to the war, I was way turned off by his proclamation that he’s “the champion of the Constitution.”  A champion, maybe.  But the champion?  This little nut? 

The champion of the Constitution should be able to fly or at least karate chop through a stack of wooden boards.  And I seriously doubt Ron Paul can do either of those things.  As a true champion of the Constitution, Yogi Berra, once said, “It ain’t the heat, it’s the humility.”  Learn it, Ron Paul.


Mitt Romney:  My name is Mitt Romney. I’m a husband, a father, a grandfather, a neighbor and formerly governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts transparent himbo who stands for nothing.

romney.jpgIf you vote for this man, I hope someone punches you in the face.

Sen. John McCain:  I’m John McCain. I’ve had the honor of serving my country all of my life.

After about five candidates delivered their intros, they got to McCain and you could tell he had a well thought out answer squared up on the tee.  It was succinct.  It was humble.  And he was gonna knock it out of the park.  Then just as he spoke, a loud ZAP sound disrupted everything, startingly him and kinda blowing the whole thing.

I feel badly speaking ill of McCain, but enough already.  In an extremely tired-looking group, he looks exhausted.  Lifeless.  And enough of these ‘for example’ people thrown into speeches.  Al Gore used to make me nuts with that.  For any issue, he had a real-life example of someone he’d just befriended on the campaign trail.  Gore would’ve had you believe he knew every American by name.  Watching him debate, I half-expected to hear, “There’s a 24-year-old friend of mine sitting in Brighton, Massachusetts.  He’s watching right now until WWF Raw comes back from a commercial break.  And he just consumed three bong hits and a bag of Funyuns.  Tonight that young man will masturbate before going to bed.  And if I’m elected president, he will enjoy universal health coverage like every other American!”

Anyway, McCain answered his first question by saying, “This morning I was with the family of [looks at notes on podium] Matthew Stanley of Wolfeboro, who sacrificed his life, and our hearts and our sympathy goes out to all those who have sacrificed their lives in this conflict.”

I’m not saying McCain doesn’t feel for these people.  I’m sure he does.  But how about a mortatorium on direct references to real Americans?  We know you guys don’t talk to any real Americans.  You’re not fooling anyone.


Rudy Giuliani:  I’m Rudy Giuliani. I agree with the motto of your state, “Live free or die.” And I think it would be a pretty good one for our time.

At first I thought this was a really cool intro line.  But the more he talks, it sounds like Rudy would feel comfortable ending lots of sentences with “or die.”  Like, “Honey, put Goonies at the top of our Netflix queue or die.”  Or “Please put a lemon in my water or die.”

Giuliani is one scary dude.  He sounds ready to kill just about anyone who looks at us sideways.  And after eight years of Captain Stupid, I’m a little wary of someone with such an itchy trigger finger.  By the end of his second answer, I was pretty convinced we’ll all be dead in a week.  With that in mind, I figured I better stop wasting time in front of the television, and I left the debate early.

So that’s that.  You get an F, Rudy Giuliani.  For Fucking Frightening as all Fuck.



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  1. “There’s a 24-year-old friend of mine sitting in Brighton, Massachusetts. He’s watching right now until WWF Raw comes back from a commercial break. And he just consumed three bong hits and a bag of Funyuns. Tonight that young man will masturbate before going to bed. And if I’m elected president, he will enjoy universal health coverage like every other American!”

    Wha? Are you spying on me?

  2. […] the only thing I know with certainty is what I knew with certainty on June 6 when I wrote of Republican presidential candidate Fred […]

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