Bush, Obama, Botswana, and Other Things Pondered During a 14-Second Bowel Movement

April 5, 2007 at 11:16 pm | Posted in America, Bush, New Orleans, Video | 8 Comments

obamaclinton.jpgA couple weeks ago, we replaced our tattered and mildewed shower curtain with a new one that has a huge cartoon map of the world.  I initially worried it might look a bit ridiculous, but I was pleasantly surprised to learn that (a) it doesn’t, and (b) it’s a highly-effective learning tool. 

I haven’t traveled much, and my geography knowledge is sadly deficient.  I had no idea that Morocco is in Africa or Argentina is in South America.  I’d always thought of Evita as a European.  And who knew Greenland was so enormous?  I guess that’s why no one dares fuck with them.

Anyway, today I noticed Botswana for the first time, way down at the bottom of Africa.  According to Wikipedia, there is a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Botswana.  And it was the place they shot “The Gods Must Be Crazy.”  But that’s not why it rang a bell with me.  No, my entire frame of reference for the country is President Bush saying, “You may recall, we went to a park in Botswana” with that sly yet brash, ‘I’m about to floor you with my intellect and life experience’ timbre in his voice.

The quote was Number Four on David Letterman’s Top Ten Favorite George W. Bush Moments a while back (must-see YouTube video after the jump).  My favorite is Number Four, Cleaning Glasses, where Bush, as a Late Show guest, casually cleans his specs during a commercial break, using the untucked shirt of a Late Show producer.  It’s as if he’s completely oblivious to the fact that there’s a living, breathing human inside that untucked shirt.  A person who, perhaps, he should seek permission from before using as a cleaning utensil.

It seems an apt metaphor for this “Just Do It” presidency.  For six years, Bush has done his own thing, cleaning his glasses on all our shirts with nary a concern in the world.  And on some masochsitic level, I sort of like it.  For our parents’ generation – though not for all of our parents, of course – Richard Nixon represented the embodiment of evil and corruption, the source of our “long national nightmare.”  That’s pretty bad-ass! 

I used to read about Nixon and think, man that guy was some character.  What a picturesque American villain.  But Bush has him beat, for sure.  Bush is a perfect loser.  On the lighter side, he’s got a mind-boggling highlight reel of bloopers that could fill a feature-length film.  Even when he’s not trying to be funny he’s a riot.  And then there are the political and policy gaffes, so numerous that we tend to forget about them.  I mean, what a fantastically horrible presidency!  And to think, all it cost us was a few thousand soldiers, the middle class, New Orleans, civil liberties, a 1 trillion dollar trade deficit, billions upon billions of dollars on top of that, and our reputation in every country on my shower curtain!  Plus we get to torture people now?  It’s a steal!

Yet having said all that, it’s impossible for me to get excited about what might follow.  Yesterday Barack Obama announced he’d raised $25 million for his presidential campaign.  This is just a tad less than what Hilary has in her ‘war chest.’  (Lamest term ever.) 

bushbrush.jpg$25 million?  Has everyone gone totally insane?  Is this what’s so great about ‘the process’?  Is this the precious jewel of democracy that we must shove down the world’s throats?*  Is this equality?  Where anyone can make it, just so long as your name is Bush or Clinton or you can put a war chest together?  What a crock of shit.

I would love to love Barack Obama, believe me.  And maybe he really is The One.  I hope that’s the case.  For one thing, he seems like a legitimately good dude.  (It worked for Bush, right!)  Secondly, he seems like a legitimately bright and compassionate dude.  And thirdly, it would mean no Hillary.  The added bonus, of course, is that voting for him would help erase my inherent white man’s guilt.  I voted for Obama!  Does that get me off the hook for my forefathers’ transgressions?  If not, I’ll do more!  I swear, I’ll do more!

But it’s impossible for me to maintain my enthusiasm for Obama when I think about what he wasn’t doing while he was raising $25 million.  And this is the case for Hilary and McCain and, in 2004, Edwards, Lieberman, etc.  Isn’t that whole Senator thing a full-time gig?  Are all the country’s problems fixed?  Because if not, it’d be really super if you guys could stay in Washington a little more and try to get something done.  Mitt Romney’s another one.  As our governor, he dipped his toes here in the State House long enough just to check his e-mail, and then he set his sights on the presidency and that was the last we saw of him.  Thanks!

I just don’t get it, that’s all.  And I don’t understand why we put up with it.  But what can ya do?

ridgetaylorbrooke.jpgSorry if this sounds angry.  As I recently told a friend, I try hard not to be angry.  And most of the time it works.  After clicking the “Publish” button, I will make myself a cheeseburger and watch ‘Bold and the Beautiful’ and forget all about this garbage.  Tomorrow I will get small and watch the Yankees.  I will walk the Lucy the Dog and pick up her poop with a plastic bag, and all will be well.  I will spend the weekend with my wife who I love and her parents who I love.  (Don’t tell them.)  And then, in three weeks, New Orleans.

But during that 14-second bowel movement, I lost the battle with anger.  Botswana set off a stream of consciousness that could not be stopped.  I am only human, I guess.  Now please watch this video and squeal with delight.

*NOTE: To those of you who would argue, “It’s still the best country in the world,” I concur.  Enthusiastically.  (Even though I’ve only been to two others.)  But that doesn’t mean a lot of things about it don’t suck. 

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8 Comments »

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  1. PARK in BOTSWANA!!!

  2. […] first started exploring the Hillary-Obama dynamic in this April 5th post, Bush, Obama, Botswana, and Other Things Pondered During a 14-Second Bowel Movement.  (Which, incidentally, won the award for Best Post About a 14-Second Bowel Movement.  That […]

  3. I really enjoyed reading this article. How funny to think that something as simple as changing a shower curtain can lead you to ponder on how our president is such an idiot… botsWANA! (I couldn’t help myself)

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  8. You are just as stupid as George Bush. “I never knew Morocco was in Africa r Argentine in South America” You dumb americains!


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