Totally Uninspired American Idol Recap: Tubthumping with Sanjaya

March 28, 2007 at 7:45 am | Posted in Idol | 5 Comments

sanjaya_ponyhawk.jpgMuch has been made of this site, which has been rallying support for Sanjaya Malakar to win American Idol, falsely claiming him to be the worst.  Of course, it is widely known and scientifically proven that Sanjaya is, in fact, the best.

But as General Tso famously wrote, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”  And our mutual enemy in this case is anyone who dares wrong Sanjaya by denying him his rightful place as your American Idol.

Each week it becomes clearer that Sanjaya is the only thing this show has going for it.  Did the contestants suck this hard every other season?  Or has the competition simply withered in the shadow of Sanjaya’s awesomeness.  It is quite possible that a young Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, or Marvin Gaye would have shared this struggle to keep pace with Malakar week after week.  It is a daunting task to be sure.  

The other-rans have little to offer.  I spent the first couple acts pondering the enormity of LaKisha’s boobs.  What would it be like to see those bad larries unleashed in the private confines of the boudoir?  To be smothered in all their wonder?  Nothing I’ve experienced to this point has prepared me for such a moment.  A chicken hawk floats over, looking for home.  I have wasted my life.

In the midst of these thoughts, Sanjaya took the stage and blew the doors off the joint with some No Doubt song about sitting in the bathwater.  What is it about this demure Indian boy that sets my loins aflame?  By now, you’ve probably heard about his mohawk, which was truly something to behold.  It looked like seven My Little Ponies marching ass-up along the crown of his head. 

sanjayasmooth.jpgAnd indeed, I would not be the least bit surprised to tune in next week and see seven such ponies actually march ass-up along the crown of his head.  Because Sanjaya has rewritten the rules and expanded the horizons of possibility.  There is nothing this man-child can not achieve.  He has left “The Dawg” speechless.  He has neutered Simon Cowell, who all but admitted that Sanjaya’s star has eclipsed anything the Idol audience has ever seen.  He has upstaged his peers, diminishing the show by making the non-Sanjaya time utterly irrelevant. 

As this lame-o post might indicate, I barely paid attention to the rest of the show.  Once you’ve seen such vivid brilliance, it’s difficult for the eyes to adjust to the dull blur of Bald Phil, Neckless Melissa, and I’ve-Got-The-Second-Biggest-Jugs-On-The-Show Chris Sligh.  Bore bore bore.

This is Sanjaya’s bathtub now.  And Sanjaya’s bathwater.  Everyone else get out of the bathroom.  And pass me the soap on your way out.  I’ve got his back.

TONIGHT’S PREDICTION:  Sligh goes home, the gang laughs together about the good times they shared while shooting that gay Pontiac commercial, and Lucy The Blog sets a new record for daily blog hits thanks to the pervs Googling Lakisha’s boobs.  Thanks, pervs! 



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