American Idol Recap: You Had Me At Sanjaya

March 21, 2007 at 2:12 pm | Posted in Idol, Muzak, TV, Video | 3 Comments


There is a British Invasion in my pants.  And it’s all because of you, Sanjaya.  You’ve got me so I don’t know what I’m doin’.

Idol pulled out all the stops to celebrate the British Invasion last night.  The special guests were Peter Noone from Hermin’s Hermits and some lady named Lulu – the first two names you think of in 60’s British rock, right after The Beatles, The Kinks, The Rolling Stones, The Yardbirds, Dusty Springfield, The Animals, and The Zombies.  And then another nine or ten bands.  Then you think of Peter Noone and Lulu.  They were the best.

Full recap PLUS video of Sanjaya’s performance after the jump!!!

Haley Scarnato kicked off the night, promising to “be more aggressive” this week.  She sang a randy rendition of “Tell Him,” wearing short shorts and slutting it up real nice.  Randy liked it so much that he danced along in his seat like a white man.  What’s the deal, don’t the dawg got moves?  This was shocking!  Simon digs Haley’s caboose, and shamelessly leered at it like he was getting a lapdance.  Then Haley finished the song with some weird boobie-shaking move.  Afterward, Ryan asked if she was worried about negotiating the stage stairs in such high heels.  “It’s all about prayer,” she replied.  Yes, Haley.  Yes it is.sanjayadance.jpg

Next was Chris Richardson, the Moncheechee-looking boy.  In the pre-song clip, Peter No One didn’t even pretend to be excited about Richardson’s interpretation of “Don’t Let the Sun Catch You Crying.”  He said something to the effect of, “I never even heard the melody.  He doesn’t have a voice.”  Richardson was equally impressed by No One, gushing, “Being able to work with him on this song was great because…he knew that era.”  High praise indeed.

Stephanie Edwards sang “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me.”  An Asian man played the trumpet during the dramatic orchestral intro.  And Randy’s face looked especially smooth throughout the evening.  I bet it’s quite pleasant to the touch.

Blake sang “It’s the Time of the Season.”  He beat boxed.  He breakdanced.  And he wore plaid pants.  What’s not to like?  The song made Paula jump up and down, pumping her fist.  That’s because she’s retarded.

Aside from Sanjaya, LaKisha is the only person I’m interested in, but she was pretty dull last night.  The Dawg “didn’t feel enough LaKisha in it.”  And Lucy the Dog didn’t either.  Is anyone still reading this?

If you are named Phil, you can not be the American Idol.  And if you wear a stained shirt during your performance, you can not be the American Idol.  But if you are named Phil and you are wearing a stained shirt, you can make Paula dance around like a twit until her earring falls off.  That’s because she is retarded.

Jordin Sparks sang some dramatic bullshit, but I was immersed in my pre-Sanjaya routine and paid no attention.  Right before he takes the stage, I like to burn a lemongrass candle, pour myself a tall glass of milk, and take off all my clothes.  Then I let Sanjaya wash over me, in all his glory.sanjayacurly.jpg

Last night, he delivered a version of “You Really Got Me” that bordered on the spiritual.  (See the video below. You have to wait through Seacrest/Noone banter, but it’s well worth it.)

The Kinks and Van Halen can go F themselves, because that song is now officially Sanjaya’s.  He owns it like he owned the Idol stage last night.  Like he owns all of our hearts.  Like he owns a sister with hearty cleavage.  Like he owns a shirt with sleeves that have little holes for your hands to stick out.  Sanjaya was a tour de force.  His performance was so devastating that it left one clearly mentally ill girl in the audience convulsing in tears.  Week after week, he shows himself to be even awesomer than you ever imagined one man could be.  I mean, does anybody wear a strobe light like this guy?  Did you see him stick out his tongue?  If this is a dream, I don’t want to wake up.  Rain on me, Sanjaya.  Rain on me like a Category 5.  Break my levees.  Saturate me.  Annihilate me.

Sanjaya left me woozy.  I’m told that Gina Glockson, Chris Sligh, and Melinda Dolittle followed, but honestly, who cares?  In the wake of Sanjaya, they could’ve brokered a peace agreement between Isreal and Palestine, and it barely would’ve merited notice.  Call off the contest now.  Give Sanjaya the crown.  He is your American Idol.  And I am in love.

TONIGHT’S PREDICTION:  Phil the Bald Guy gets the boot, the mentally ill girl cries again, and a strange smell emerges from under Chris Sligh’s chin.  Take it to the bank!



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  1. […] rest assured that our best men are on the case.  In the meantime, I invite you to enjoy Wednesday’s Idol wrap-up post, which is sure to include no less than three pictures of a braless Sanjaya Malakar.  Expect it by […]

  2. Lucy the blog…now 80 percent gayer.

  3. LMAO…..

    This is the funniest thing ive read so far. To be honest the Kinks SINGING is definitely not a strong point so whats all the hubris about? I luuuuved watching him strut. Eye candy fo sho!

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