March Madness: Zebra Junk

March 15, 2007 at 6:43 pm | Posted in Sports, Video | 1 Comment

Like many suburban whiteboys, my teenage years were spent slam-dunking with friends on seven-foot hoops.  My bedroom was a shrine to Michael Jordan, the early 90’s Nets, and Michigan’s Fab Five, with masterfully designed collages and a collection of used game sneakers from such legends as Derrick Coleman, Chris Morris, Mookie Blaylock, and Chris Dudley.  I wept when Drazen Petrovic died.


Basketball no longer holds the place it once did in my life.  MJ has been replaced by Sanjay.  And filling out the NCAA Tourney brackets no longer provides much of a thrill.  In fact, I haven’t even seen them this year.  But I still love watching the tournament – the upsets, the buzzer beaters – and I still get choked up during “One Shining Moment.”  For a fleeting time, March Madness can take me back to a younger state of mind, when such things really mattered.

At Penn State, I was the basketball team manager, so the tournament also makes me nostalgic for Happy Valley.  We only made the Big Dance my sophomore year.  But when I tune in to CBS today, it will send me right back to Dear Old State, pep bands, and withered old cocks.  Ah yes, those were the days.

During home games, it was my responsibility to host the referees and make sure they had everything they needed.  I’d prepare their locker rooms and order them food, and check on them during pregame, postgame, and halftime.  What I learned from that is old basketball refs love to sit around with their nuts hanging out.  It was not a pretty sight.  I quickly became accustomed to working in our team’s locker room, amongst naked dudes who were my friends and contemporaries.  But the shock of seeing refs lounge about buck naked never wore off during the four years.  While they must’ve been in good shape, some of them had the funkiest, lumpiest bodies imaginable.

Most of those guys are still active.  And without fail, when I tune into college hoops, there is a moment when I say to myself, ‘Oh look, there’s Ted Hillary.  I’ve seen his junk.’  Or ‘Wow, Tim Higgins is still alive?  I’ve seen his junk.’  It makes for a unique viewing experience, to be sure.

Anyway, here’s a couple videos to accompany your hoops viewing.

And one more for The Sherpa, master of the Flying Egg Roll:


1 Comment »

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  1. Yes. Yes. Yes.

    Reading this blog is like rubbing one out fastly. I can’t get enough of it.

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