Lucy the Blog

Dear Lowell Zoning Board:

It takes a bit to get Lucy the Dog to post on the blog these days.  Time is limited and I don’t have much on the brain.  Plus I got knocked up!

But watching your performance during tonight’s meeting, I was inspired to brush the dust off this ol’ clunker.  Because really fellas, I gotta get this off my chest.

ITEM 1:  Please stop qualifying each of your anti-art sentiments with, “Hey, nobody supports the arts more than I do!  I love art!“ 

You do not love art.  And each time you claim to, it’s an insult to those of us who do.  You impede art.  You hardly know what art is.  You do not love art.

ITEM 2:  You are retarded.

Thank you and have a good night,

Lucy the Dog

(Ed. Note: This is one of those posts that will bore our non-Lowell readers.  But that’s your own damn fault for not living in Lowell.)

Last week, City Manager Bernie Lynch told Lowell residents that the city may dump its recycling program in order to cut budget expenditures. 

Apparently, less than 10 percent of the city’s trash gets recycled, and as a result, the program costs us $800K while only bringing in $250K.

This discussion about Lowell’s disinterest in recycling coincided with Lucy the Dog’s own ill-fated initiative to recycle. 

Because we live in a condo complex, we are not eligible for the city’s curbside pick-up.  Therefore, the only things that we generally spare from the trash are cans and bottles that can be turned in at redemption centers.  Recycling paper, newspaper, cardboard, glass, plastic, and non-refundables has been, quite simply, too inconvenient.

But a couple weeks ago, I bought some plastic crates for sorting, and got very excited about creating a home recycling station in our garage.  All I needed was a place to bring this junk.  No problem.

The logical place to start seemed to be the city’s Recycling Department.  I went to its web page, hoping to get information about collection centers.  But if any such information is there, I couldn’t find it.

So instead, I called the department and explained my situation: that I don’t get curbside but I want to bring my stuff somewhere, etc.  The Recycling Coordinator said that rather than read the list of drop-off locales over the phone, I should e-mail him and he’d email me the list.  Easy enough.

I e-mailed him immediately and waited a few days for a response that never came.  Then, on April 13, I e-mailed him a second time, asking if he did indeed receive my first e-mail.  Again, a response never came.

Around the end of last week, I called the Coordinator to confirm whether he’d gotten my e-mails.  He had, he said, but he’d been very busy.  He then ‘promised’ to send me the list before leaving the office that day.  And I am still waiting for the list.

Perhaps I’m being unreasonable here.  And I don’t want to play the disgruntled taxpayer role or toss out the cranky “I pay your salary!” card.  But whoever you are, public sector, private sector, wherever.  If you say you’re going to do something, then do it.  Otherwise, don’t say you’re going to do it.

And if you can’t provide simple information to a resident who is eager to recycle, then it’s no small wonder that your program is failing.  So you might as well dump it and cut your losses.  I bought my own friggin’ plastic crates, for Christ sake!  You can’t even reply to an e-mail?

It’s just so silly and frustrating.

And in related news, I never heard from the Red Cross either.  Fuckers.

A couple weeks ago I considered writing about the Iraq war’s five-year anniversary.

But then I decided not to because it seems futile. I have nothing to say. Even a doped-up grad student who spent most of his time on campus gazing lovingly at the exposed thong-tops of freshmen coeds could’ve predicted this clusterfuck. If you think the war has benefited or will benefit America in any way, shape, or form, then you are a retard. Leave this blog now.

However, while performing a Google image search for Arianna Huffington (SafeSearch set emphatically to OFF), I stumbled upon The $3 Trillion Shopping Spree, a nifty site recently linked to by The Huffington Post, which Lucy the Dog sometimes contributes to under the pen name of “Deepak Chopra”.

The shopping spree gives you a chance to fritter away $3 trill and damn near two hours, filling a shopping cart with the money our president invested in “occupying Iraq and killing over a million people.”

You’d be surprised how far $3 trillion goes. I could only spend $2,239,298,606,460.96 before I ran out of steam. I mean, I could’ve thrown in some debt relief for Liberia or treatment for malaria, but fuck that. I’m not one to spend just because the money’s there. The remainder will do just fine in my ING Orange savings account, thank you kindly.

So here’s the list of what I bought. I encourage you to make your own list and then feel totally annoyed by this colossal waste of dough over the last five years.

B-2 Bomber - 1 purchased for $2,200,000,000

Just because I oppose the Iraq War doesn’t mean I’m some yellow peacenick. Far from it.

With this B-2 bomber, I intend to make Lowell a leading power here in the Merrimack Valley. We will not rule with recklessness. But as Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence, we will hold the rest of the Valley “as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.”

So be on notice, Merrimack Valley. Lucy the Dog has a B-2 bomber, and she will bomb the shit out of you. Continue reading Keep the Change…

Lucy the Dog is by no means immune to celebrity worship. 

And we welcome any exposure or economic and cultural gains brought to our beloved Lowell by the filming of This Side of the Truth.

However, the first frame has yet to be shot and the city is already swooning like starstruck schoolgirls. 

I love Ricky Gervais’s humor as much as anyone.  And if I stumble upon Tina Fey, I will have no choice but to cop a feel of her adorable buttocks.  But we’re not talking about Ridge Forrester or Sanjaya Malakar.  Get it together, people.

Yesterday, a Boston Globe headline proclaimed, “As Lowell prepares for its close-up, locals have stars in their eyes.”

“Merrimack Valley, don your shades:  Lowell is soon to be the location of a film shoot for a major motion picture with a star-studded cast, including Jennifer Garner.

‘Jennifer Garner coming into Lowell - that’s a 10!’ said Mayor Edward “Bud” Caulfield.  ‘We’re really excited about it.  It will certainly put Lowell on the map.’”

Continue reading Act Like You’ve Been There, Lowell…

This is the time of year when Lucy the Dog must decide whether to dip her paws back into the world of academia.

For two years, I’ve spent September through December teaching Intro to College Writing to incoming freshmen who are none too interested in my thoughts on E.B. White’s “Once More to the Lake” or the differences between there, their, and they’re.  

The semester is a 15-week beatdown of failure and humiliation.  Occasionally I say something that gets through.  Occasionally I witness improvement.  But for the most part, they are not very good writing students and I am not a very good writing teacher.  I am also a wicked jackass.

11/16/06
Andy is impossible to please and he can be a wicked jackass.  He writes really mean comments on students papers.  I do not recommend him. Find someone else!!!

That is the first of 14 comments in my RateMyProfessor.com profile.  My overall quality ranking is a whopping 1.9 out of 5.  My Average Easiness is a 2.2; Average Helpfulness is a 1.9; and Average Clarity is a 1.9.  (All of those are out of 5.)

Most disheartening is the fact that not one of my 14 commenters has given me the chili pepper icon to indicate I’m hot.  I’ve seen some of the teachers with the chili pepper, and they’re not all that hot.  Does my hotness not even reach such a low threshold?  According to my Hotness Total of zero, the answer is no.

11/29/06
He does not know how to teach nor does he like he job.  He grades really hard and expects way too much.  Four major papers that he does give you a chance to revise, but most people receive the same grade on the revision and if they are lucky, then they will receive 2 more points.  Nothing is ever good enough for this man.  He gives a written final.

Continue reading Rate My Rate My Professor Ratings…

Dear City Manager, City Councilors, and Office of Special Events:

On February 9th, you threw a party.  Your party made a mess.  And you should clean up that mess.

Lowell Winterfest is not exactly Lucy the Dog’s cup of tea.  We prefer staying indoors and feeling sorry for ourselves during these frigid, depressing months.  Plus, the fireworks frighten us to no end.  They cause us to lose control of our anal sacks and hide in the bathtub, shaking in horror.

But we appreciate that some people enjoy Winterfest.  Lowell hosts a multitude of festivals and cultural events year-round, appealing to folks of all stripes.  There’s something for everyone.  And that’s one thing we love about living in Lowell.

One thing we hate about living in Lowell is the fact that the city often looks like shit.  Whether it’s shopping carts abandoned on the banks of the Merrimack, car batteries and beer cans clogging the canals, or condoms strewn about the sidewalk, littering is an ongoing problem.

There are wonderful volunteer groups, such as the CanalWater Cleaners, who valiantly fight the uphill battle of urban filth.  But those volunteers are outnumbered by the litterbug culture of ‘who cares?’, which is so pervasive in this city. 

I have seen candy wrappers dropped on the street, scratch-off tickets tossed out car windows, and washing machines left in parking lots.  The culprits come in all ages, sexes, and colors.  And they all share that ’who cares?’ mindset that ignores the repercussions of their actions. 

These people do not care about the city.  They do not feel ownership of the city.  Fuck it, it’s not my problem.  That’s their mantra.  It is a disheartening culture that should be addressed.

But when the city government not only fails to address it, but CONTRIBUTES to it…that is unacceptable and infuriating.

Continue reading Winterfest Hangover: An Open Letter to the City of Lowell…

Lucy the Blog has long been a fan of the proofreading gaffes that litter the Lowell Sun.  And it seems the rest of the world is taking notice.

Here’s a great video blog by Ricky Gervais catching a Sun boo-boo in a recent article about his upcoming film “This Side of the Truth,” which will be shot right here in “LA (Lowell Area, that is).”

Every Thursday night, Lowell Sun Editor-in-Chief Jim Campanini tackles the issues of the day on NewsTalk LIVE, an hour-long telephone call-in show with a live video stream.

Judging by the number of callers (last week it was one, a pre-scheduled guest), it seems not everyone is tuning into these discussions. So as a service to the public, every week Lucy the Blog will run an excerpt from the previous Thursday’s NewsTalk.

We hope these illuminating snippets will inspire our readers to support The Sun by watching the full broadcasts in all their glory. (To save time, you can speed up the video by clicking the fast forward button. You’ll still understand what they’re saying; they’ll just be saying it in a higher voice.)

Last week’s subject was Valentine’s Day. Campanini’s in-studio guest was reporter Rachel Briere, who doubles as the oft-drunk and seemingly hornyish* Lowellita, and writes an entertainment blog called The Frosting. In his introduction of Briere, Campanini says The Frosting “has been getting national attention” lately — a claim that Lucy the Blog’s investigative team has been unable to confirm.

Today’s excerpt comes about three-quarters into the show, when Campanini reflects on his days as a swinger. It turns out that he and his twin brother were quite the Lotharios, and often employed a fun bit of tomfoolery to get multiple stanks on their hang-lows for the mere price of one drive-in movie ticket.

“Whenever we went out on dates, we had the double date. And we’d go to the drive-in. And uh…naturally the best part of the evening was when we went to the popcorn stand…or to the concession stand. Because then we’d switch. He’d get in the back seat and I’d get in the front. And uh…well, you know. A couple times it worked out and a couple times it didn’t.”

As Lowellita squirms and avoids eye contact at all costs, Campanini goes on to note that the twin brother eventually married a high school sweetheart named Kathy.

“Let me tell you. She could tell the difference between the two of us. One of the only women who probably could. And uh…and uh….she could tell you some stories about uh…about some times when we went out on double dates and we tried to pull the old uh…uh…sneak-a-roo. Kathy always knew. So, so. It was great. Maybe that’s why she married my brother instead of starting a relationship with me.”

Join us next week for What We Learned on NewsTalk LIVE. And remember, NewsTalk LIVE is brought to you by Lowell Cooperative Bank. They’re not just a bank. They’re your neighbor.

Full Valentine’s Day NewsTalk LIVE broadcast here.

*We mean this in the most flattering way possible.

Sadly, I lack the patience, will, authority, and skill to assess the wreckage of last Tuesday’s Lowell City Council meeting in this space.  I also lack a reading audience that cares.

But for the few who are interested, I direct you to Richard Howe’s spot-on blog post “Cultural Confusion.”

As Howe notes, The Lowell Sun has been slightly schizophrenic in its recent editorial coverage.*  Much as it is with its delivery service. 

In addition to Howe, Left in Lowell has also done a bang-up job of covering the situation.  (That’s one “bang-up” and one “spot-on” for those of you who are counting.

Our official stance on the Cultural Council brou-ha-ha is as follows: 

The editorial board of Lucy the Blog supports the arts, the cultural community of Lowell, and the ordinance as presented by City Manager Bernie Lynch. 

We will not tolerate continued opposition to this ordinance.  And councilors who fail to reverse their current course and tenor will find goose on their faces come election day.

Let it be known that Lucy the Dog was once accused of pouring coffee on an HR manager’s car and jabbing an elbow through an editor’s windshield.  And we just started doing push-ups, 10 a day.  So we are not to be fucked with.

Also, according to Google, Jim Campanini is not a very good editor.  Amen.

(*Ed. Note: In all likelihood, none of those Sun links will work by Wednesday.)

ED. NOTE:  To provide some context, this post was written as Massachusetts, New Jersey, and New York fell.  It was also written in the wake of watching a Lowell City Council hearing that absolutely blew my mind.  The ignorance, ineptitude, and general douchebaggery among this city’s political leaders is staggering.

So I was pretty angry.  And I am pretty angry.  But the Wednesday morning pundits say Obama is hanging in there and I shouldn’t be discouraged.  Unfortunately, I don’t believe them.

Dear America:

I’ve had it. Fuck all of you.

Let me recap things since it doesn’t seem to be getting through your thick-ass skulls.

In 1988, we elected this guy George H.W. Bush to be president. Four years later, we elected another guy, Bill Clinton. He was president for eight years. Then we elected George Bush’s son, George W. Bush. He was president for another eight years.

And now, it looks like we’re angling to elect Bill Clinton’s wife, Hillary.

So in summation, we have gone from the already depressing and limited two-party system to a two-FAMILY system. It’s a stunning development, really. I’m stunned.

And it’s all because of you and your stupid goddamn stupidity, America. I’ve totally fucking had it.

And the worst thing of all, I may well end up voting in November for the FIRST candidate I gave the gooseface to, John McCain. And I can’t fucking STAND John McCain.

But I will not fill in that scantron ballot for a Bush or a Clinton. I’ll vote for Jonothan the Impaler before I support this idiotic, perverse family tradeoff. I don’t care if Hillary can erase the deficit with one swift fart or cure cancer with a fancy song-and-dance number. I cannot be convinced that this is any way for a country to move forward. Enough, already. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN CLINTONS AND BUSHES!!!! ANYTHING WOULD BE BETTER!!! DON’T YOU FUCKING GET IT????

And I will never call this the greatest country on Earth again. I’m sick of trying to make myself believe that. I’ve only been to Canada and Italy, but I’m sure there’s something better out there. There’s just got to be. Maybe I’ll move to New Orleans since America seems to have disowned them.

But I’ve totally had it. Fuck all of you. Especially you Clinton-loving swine in New York and my former home state of New Jersey.  And lest I forget my current home state of Massachusetts, where the election was called about three minutes after polls closed.  Obama got smoked!  Thanks, Fathead Ted.

I never imagined I’d see Southerners display better judgment than those of us in the northeast.  I feel nauseas.

Did I mention fuck you? Well just in case I didn’t, fuck you.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: And don’t tell me it’s not over yet. Take your delegate math and cram it. She’s getting the nomination and that’s that. It’s over, Johnny.

UPDATE: It’s 10:42 PM now, and Obama has picked up a couple more states. But I’m still fucking pissed. I just don’t see him catching her.