Lucy the Blog

We interrupt this hiatus to pour a cold one for Tim Russert. 

The heart breaks on so many levels.  But I’m buoyed by the thought of him joining my grandfather in the great unknown.  Pop-Pop watched Russert every Sunday and taught me to do the same.

I’m prepared to bawl my eyes out tomorrow morning.  I almost lost it on the EZ Ride to North Station yesterday, which definitely would’ve been awkward.  Tomorrow, we let it all flow. 

Then it’s time to get smaller than Eddie House’s son.  Funkier than Rondo’s grill.  

As an unabashed, pink-hatted Celts fan, I can only imagine how rewarding these ”heady times” are in The Beast Lair.  It is a far cry from this.  

So Lucy the Dog offers a premature and hearty congratulations to Perk, Boo Licious, Carl Spackler, the Crack Staff, and the rest of gangrene.  You made us like the NBA again. 

Beast L.A.

Hoosiers and Heels give Hillary the Gooseface.  Yes we can, oh yes we can can.

In honor of today’s holiday, I thought I’d post “I am a Big and Strong Patriot” by Coach Football (pictured, right).

This classic piece of prose was originally published on August 21, 2001 in Dude.  The essay would be honored later that year with a Pulitzer Prize for its searing insights and subtle eroticism.

So please enjoy and have a Happy Patriots Day.  And to all those marathoners out there, don’t forget to grease your nips!

“I am a Big and Strong Patriot” by Coach Football

As every American must, I embarked on a fine excursion to our nation’s home capital last weekend.  And let me tell you, I’m a different man.  For serious.

I started my weekend by taking the big bus down there.  What a great trip!  They showed some movie with Big American Stars, including Harr Ford.  It was some kind of thriller, with drama and murder and sexual in-you-endo. What a way to start it all!

So I get in, take the cab across the streets to my destination site, near the circle.  Get out, go in, the tall boys are ready, crack ‘em open, and sit out on the porch.  People walking down the street, moving to the traffic beats.  Americans!  All of them! 
 
That night I slept on the cold concrete floor.  Waking up, showering, talking.  Taking the subway line down to the place.  Look at the tourists crowding in and panicking and arguing and looking at maps.  On the contrary, I’m prepared!  I know where I’m going!

All of a suddenly, I’m standing in the Art Gallery.  What a place!  Art all around, by Italians, Germans, the Dutch, even Americans.  Many different artsy stylings, techniques, and colors.  The American stuff is not highly regarded though.  So they keep it hidden to the right side.  

They have this whole ‘nother building that was built in the late 1970s by Jimmy Carter.  That gave me pause.  My understanding of the facts goes something along the lines that Carter was made fun of so much that nothing got done during his Term.  During the Energy Nightmare, Americans became increasingly disillusioned with the Southerner.  Then Reagan freed the hostages, sold the arms to Central America, and defined the mid-1980s. Continue reading Patriot’s Day Rerun…

A couple weeks ago I considered writing about the Iraq war’s five-year anniversary.

But then I decided not to because it seems futile. I have nothing to say. Even a doped-up grad student who spent most of his time on campus gazing lovingly at the exposed thong-tops of freshmen coeds could’ve predicted this clusterfuck. If you think the war has benefited or will benefit America in any way, shape, or form, then you are a retard. Leave this blog now.

However, while performing a Google image search for Arianna Huffington (SafeSearch set emphatically to OFF), I stumbled upon The $3 Trillion Shopping Spree, a nifty site recently linked to by The Huffington Post, which Lucy the Dog sometimes contributes to under the pen name of “Deepak Chopra”.

The shopping spree gives you a chance to fritter away $3 trill and damn near two hours, filling a shopping cart with the money our president invested in “occupying Iraq and killing over a million people.”

You’d be surprised how far $3 trillion goes. I could only spend $2,239,298,606,460.96 before I ran out of steam. I mean, I could’ve thrown in some debt relief for Liberia or treatment for malaria, but fuck that. I’m not one to spend just because the money’s there. The remainder will do just fine in my ING Orange savings account, thank you kindly.

So here’s the list of what I bought. I encourage you to make your own list and then feel totally annoyed by this colossal waste of dough over the last five years.

B-2 Bomber - 1 purchased for $2,200,000,000

Just because I oppose the Iraq War doesn’t mean I’m some yellow peacenick. Far from it.

With this B-2 bomber, I intend to make Lowell a leading power here in the Merrimack Valley. We will not rule with recklessness. But as Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence, we will hold the rest of the Valley “as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.”

So be on notice, Merrimack Valley. Lucy the Dog has a B-2 bomber, and she will bomb the shit out of you. Continue reading Keep the Change…

Lucy the Dog is by no means immune to celebrity worship. 

And we welcome any exposure or economic and cultural gains brought to our beloved Lowell by the filming of This Side of the Truth.

However, the first frame has yet to be shot and the city is already swooning like starstruck schoolgirls. 

I love Ricky Gervais’s humor as much as anyone.  And if I stumble upon Tina Fey, I will have no choice but to cop a feel of her adorable buttocks.  But we’re not talking about Ridge Forrester or Sanjaya Malakar.  Get it together, people.

Yesterday, a Boston Globe headline proclaimed, “As Lowell prepares for its close-up, locals have stars in their eyes.”

“Merrimack Valley, don your shades:  Lowell is soon to be the location of a film shoot for a major motion picture with a star-studded cast, including Jennifer Garner.

‘Jennifer Garner coming into Lowell - that’s a 10!’ said Mayor Edward “Bud” Caulfield.  ‘We’re really excited about it.  It will certainly put Lowell on the map.’”

Continue reading Act Like You’ve Been There, Lowell…

Barack Obama is currently on a weeklong bus tour bowling for Pennsylvania voters.

I spent four years in Pennsylvania and learned two things.  One is Hoss’s steakhouse makes a mean, cheap ribeye.  And another is Pennsylvania ain’t votin’ for no brother.  Take that bus to Indiana and North Carolina, Barack.  Trust me.

Hillary may be trailing Obama in delegates, popular votes, and states won.

But according to Lucy the Dog’s calculations, there is not enough time between now and the convention for Obama to catch her in the critical accumulation of lame, cringe-inducing, supporter-created videos.

Therefore, at 10:16 AM on Sunday, March 16, Lucy the Blog scoops the MSM and exclusive calls the YouTube race for Madame Clinton. Suck it, Blitzer!

Frankly, I would rather be endorsed by Jeremiah Wright, Osama Bin Laden, and Jonothan the Impaler than the guy in the clip below. More Clinton yahoos after the jump.

Continue reading Surrogate Douchiness Caught on Tape…

Storm clouds are gathering on this Do What You Feel Friday. 

But at the moment, the sun is shining on Lowell and the weather is ideal for a stroll down memory lane. 

Yesterday marked one full year of soul searchin’ and knowledge-droppin’ at Lucy the Blog headquarters.  And what a year it’s been for the Dog. 

We laughed.  We cried.  We learned 12 things about Tyra Banks’s vagina.  We opened foreign bureaus in Pakistan, Sweden, and Chechnya.  And we licked the interior of our anus.  It was awesome!

So today, please take our paw and join us as we revisit some highlights from the last 365 days.  Or don’t.  It’s Friday, so do whatcha wanna, do whatyalike, and do what you feel.

Cue sappy accoustic Green Day song, and commence nostalgic clip montage.

Continue reading Do What You Feel Friday!: Reflect Reflectively on Year One…

Lucy the Dog has fallen victim to a mysterious ailment.  It required the consumption of an antihistemine last night that made me very, very drowsy.  As a result, I fell asleep at around 10.

Three hours later, I woke up and crawled out of bed to check the Texas results on the worldwide web.  Wearing nothing but my boxer-briefs, I sniffled and shivered and bounced from blog to blog, hoping to find some words of solace.  There were none to be found. 

I kept clicking refresh on sites whose authors had already gone to bed.  All the while, my nose ran until I eventually grew tired of blowing it, and instead let the snot crawl to my upper lip and then fall, pooling up on my bare knee. 

Obama should concede now.  You cannot beat this woman.  She will not relent.  And she will take us down with her. 

I never understand what the kids mean when they say something or someone got “pwned.”  But delegate math be damned, I do believe Hillary Clinton is about to pwn us all.

Spiddle-lipped Chris Matthews was the hit of the Internets and talk radio today, thanks to his skewering of Texas state senator Kirk Watson.  (Video posted below.)

Upon first glance, Watson does indeed look a bit dumb, though I’d argue he looks no dumber than your average Texan.

However, if anyone in this video deserves ridicule, it’s Matthews himself.  Why, you ask?  Well I’m even dumber than said Texan, so I can’t explain.  But I know a guy at the Daily Dish, and he’d be glad to.  So please, take it away, guy at the Daily Dish!

Dear Chris Matthews: Please Do Your Job

(Ed. Note: If I didn’t make it clear with my setup, that thing above these words, in the blue type?  That’s the thing you’re supposed to read.  Yeah.  Click it.)